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I,'M NOT QUITE SURE I KNOW WHO I AM !!!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I found out today that my maternal grandfather is not who I always thought he was. My ancestry is very different. I'm not quite who I thought I was, and I don't believe my mother ever knew who her real father was. Another branch of the family has held the secret for years, and those in my mom's immediate branch are all dead. I am clueless! And I want to know. I feel angry because this was not revealed when answers could have been given while life was still had by those who knew the answers to the questions I now have.

I am who I was yesterday. That has not changed, nor will it tomorrow. I am still me, but with a very different set of genetics.

I think for the first time I had an inkling this afternoon of what it most feel like to just learn you have been adopted quite late in your upbringing, and suddenly feeling you don't quite know who you are or where you came from. Not meaning to sound melodramatic here; yet BIG shock all the same.

Beyond this above, I am still struggling to get the food under control, but I will not throw in the towel. Each day is a new beginning, and tomorrow I have another chance to do it better!

Blessings, All,

Mary
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FLGIRL1234
    Wow, I can imagine how shocked and unsettled you must feel. I hope you can find some answers you're looking for. Now for the eating part, just work on it a little bit everyday. It's all we can do. Then maybe we will get this down for good. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3187 days ago
  • KEIPONY
    I can't imagine hearing news like this. All I can say is God has a way of making it work out. I truly believe that, especially with things that have happened in my life.

    Don't get discouraged about the food tracking, just keep going whether you track all day, skip a day, whatever....eventually it will become part of your day. This journey is not a quick stop, it's a life changing style so it will take time. Don't set your expectations too high, make small goals and keep getting on the website.

    I'm sorry to hear about your family situation and I hope you will find the answers you are looking for.

    Take care emoticon
    3196 days ago
  • QUILTPUPS
    Thanks for your encouragement everyone. I do appreciate the kindness of your thoughts! Sometimes, we can really have things come out of the woodwork, or a skeleton is released from some dark closet when we least suspect it.

    Rawhide64, thanks for keeping in touch, and sharing your experience.

    Mugglemum, you really do understand. What a mess for your family all through those years...and finding out as you did your own background.

    For me, I don't know if I will ever know, but I'm going to do all I can to try. It truly has messed with my head abit ... and so many thoughts and emotions and questions have been springing up inside of me.

    I will be fine, however. It is just such a startling shock and takes a bit of getting used to ...

    Thanks again each of you for responding!
    3196 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/20/2012 3:50:23 PM
  • no profile photo CD12200206
    I know exactly how you feel.

    My mother died when I was 13, and the person I believe to be my grandfather (her father) died a month later. This totally messed up my teenager years, but my Dad is extremely loving and stable got me through it.

    So, one day when I was about 30, my hairdresser was commenting on my strange hair. It's blond, but it's course. She said I look like a blond Italian! I made this comment to my older sister, later. She said, "Well, duh---you are!" Turns out my Mother was the product of my teenage grandma (1st generation German immigrant farmers) and ...ahem...the Mailman (who was not only Italian, but Catholic). Of course, this was all taboo back in the 30s. The two were kept apart, and my mother was raised by her grandparents. That is, until my grandmother married the man I thought was my Grandfather. When my mom moved in with them at the age of 12, my Grandfather began sexually abusing her. My mother moved back to the farm for a year, and then when her grandparents' health declined, was forced, 16, to move back with my Grandmother and "Grandfather." He tried, one more time, to come on to my mother, and she ran away the next morning. She moved to CA (for Illinois), got a job as a Nanny to the stars (interesting stories there!), and met and married my Dad five years later.

    My Mom met her bio dad once as a young adult. He had married and had five kids, and he showed some interest in building a relationship with her. It never happened. After my Mom died, this man called my Dad, and sent a large memorial donation to the American Cancer Society. But, no one has "met" him.

    Double this with the fact that the Grandpa that I knew and loved was a pedophile. That answers so many quirky behaviors---like my Mom wouldn't ever let my sister and I stay alone with him. He was always kind and loving to me, and I remember him fondly, but I lost my Grandpa that day. The rug was pulled out from under me. Twice.

    Hugs. I understand.
    3197 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11477432
    I won't pretend to know how you feel with news like that. I do know what it's like to have questions about my biological father because my parents divorced when I was very young and I never knew the man nor was much ever said about him. That knowledge passed with my mother over 12 years ago. All we can do is accept who we are and move on with our lives. This probably sounds corny but I use the Serenity Prayer in times like you're going through. emoticon

    Lew
    3197 days ago
  • 2ABBYNORMAL
    Wow...that's quite shocking. I hope you find all the answers you're looking for.
    3197 days ago
  • EBURGITE
    each and every step you take towards health is great. give yourself grace to process, and trust that you won't go alone. emoticon
    3197 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12367305
    Wow...it must be hard to process. Secrets like these can be momentarily shocking.

    Keep working on your healthy living and don't give up.

    emoticon
    3197 days ago
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