I've Had ENOUGH
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Well , following my hip dislocation two weeks ago, I had the normal period of extreme caution and lack of mobility while the hip muscles recover from the damage they suffered. On Thursday I am going to see my Ortho surgeon. I"m gonna ask him to get me into home PT once again. I'm going to really try to get a workout going that I can feel secure about...one that I'm not wondering every minute, "Is my hip gonna pop out?"
I think maybe later this morning, once I officially get up (right now it's 2:15 and I can't sleep), I will try to resume my recumbent bike riding. It's been so long since I've done any exercise, I don't know how it will feel but I need to do SOMEthing.
The other thing I really need to do is to get serious about eating in moderation. It's gotten to the point where my husband is lecturing me on the amount of food I'm packing in. ...and when I go into the kitchen at night for food, he just looks at me with --okay--disgust. Honestly, this makes me want to cry. Because he is totally right. I am eating way too much and I am going to pay the price health-wise if I don't do something NOW to change it.
I've actually invested in some plus sized clothing which is a sign that I'm feeling hopeless about my weight. Feeling like there's nothing I can do to reverse the tide. And feeling like, "Well I'm fat and I'm gonna stay fat, so I might as well have clothes that fit me." Wouldn't it be great to have to shelve this clothing--cuz it's too big?
I've gotten to feel like it's too impossible. Like I can't exercise and I can't keep my mouth shut instead of stuffing it with food. Is it impossible? I mean right now, I feel like even if I didn'teat. Even if I did workout.....the weight wouldn't come off. I know that's irrational but that's how defeated I am feeling. I need some success to get me going. So I'll tell you what...
I will write down everything I eat. For one week. I will measure food. I will eat three meals...not four. I will eat no more than two very small snacks per day. And I will walk in my driveway every day until I can't walk anymore. I will do this for one week. And then I will weigh myself and see if my fear is right...AM I beyond hope? Am I too far gone to be helped?
I'm tired of hauling the equivalent of another small person around with me. Tired of huffing and puffing on the stairs and when I bend to put on my shoes. Tired of the looks of disgust. Tired of being a fat woman.