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Diminishing Returns

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Yesterday I had my presurgical testing appointment so left the house at 8:00 AM to get there by 9:00. Got done by 11:30 and then ate lunch in the cafe there with my dad....and then he took me grocery shopping...which was mostly shopping for our Christmas dinner.
On the way home I was talking to my dad about my attempts to, failure at, and frustration with losing weight. He thinks it must be due to the Enbrel because of the time at which I began to pack it on. He said to me, "I go grocery shopping with you. I see what you buy and there is NOTHING BAD....nothing that would account for your difficulty in losing weight." That was good to hear that. Very affirming. I personally don't think it's Enbrel but I think it is due to my psych meds. And also all the steroid weight that I put on and never took off. So I guess I just must be extremely cautious in my eating (as I have been) and exercise when I can (which I mostly do) just to avoid gaining any more.

I think back to a mere three years ago when I lost seventy pounds in about six months with effort yes: but my efforts were rewarded with weight loss. NOw I put in the effort and nothing happens!!

I just got a new video. It's a Leslie Sansone video of five different one mile workouts for a week's worth of working out. I will be optimistic and keep it.....even though I was seriously thinking of giving it to my daughter for Christmas. Maybe what I'll do is go through my videos and take out all the ones I KNOW I will never have the ability to do again (due to health issues) and wrap them up and give them to her. Maybe I'll give her my dumbbells also because my shoulders are unable to pick them up now and even if I have surgery on my arms,I will not be ALLOWED to use them following the surgery....So yeah. That's what I'll do. I already gave her my yoga mat which I kind of regret. But I do have a rug I can lay on when I need to get on the ground....and I think my yoga days are over, honestly.

It feels so sad to pack away parts of my life and give them away and move on. I gave my daughter all of my art supplies and moved on. Now I only work on a cyber tablet. I have, little by little, given up and given away most of the things that are important to me....except my books. I HAVE given away some of my heavy duty study books, like my Greek concordance and my heavier theology books as my days of intense reading and study are largely passed also.

The facts of aging and disability are hitting home and I'm trying to deal with them and keep up to my body's diminishing abilities. It's a fine line to walk between "giving up" and "acknowledgement"....between "copping out" and "honestly assessing strengths and weaknesses."

Part of me is still standing , dressed in workout clothes, on a curb with my jaw dropped to my chest thinking, "What? REALLY?? I really cannot run these two miles anymore?" And no. NO I can't. In fact, I cannot walk for longer than five minutes anymore. And I find that really hard to believe. And really harder to accept.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    it is hard to let go of the things of our youth and strength. i'm praying that God will reveal to you the things He has planned for you, a future and a hope, so you can rest assured that you will have blessed replacements to take the place of the things you have been forced to release. emoticon
    2823 days ago
    My dear friend, I am excited that you want to try and exercise and eat right. I think your over analyzing this. Millions of people use Sparkpeople and other sights to lose excess weight by only managing food intake and small amounts (if any ) of working out.. Sad but true.. What also is sad but true is most of them are in better shape then even I am.. physically no pain for working out except the minor pulls n what not. My point is do not let yourself get down and if your on steroids expect to gain a couple of pounds. Eat right and sleep as much as possible you will be fine. You have enough stress without this food thing to keep you down girl. I agree with your Pop's that your food intake is most likely great and this is something that your doing great in. emoticon
    2826 days ago
    I look forward to hearing that once your hip surgery is successful that you start taking small steps to improving. All the things you have to deal with are not very uplifting and surely don't help you have the stamina you need to take a walk.

    Steroid weight can stick around from what I have heard. Also, like me, maybe you have plenty of healthy food but end up having a bit too much of a good thing?

    Thinking good thoughts for you.

    2826 days ago
    I am sorry you are facing this. I don't know what else to say, but I will be thinking of you and including you in my prayers. I know those days will face all of us sometime, or eventually. I hope I have as much courage and grace as you when my time comes.
    2827 days ago
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