Saturday, December 22, 2012
Yesterday I had my presurgical testing appointment so left the house at 8:00 AM to get there by 9:00. Got done by 11:30 and then ate lunch in the cafe there with my dad....and then he took me grocery shopping...which was mostly shopping for our Christmas dinner.
On the way home I was talking to my dad about my attempts to, failure at, and frustration with losing weight. He thinks it must be due to the Enbrel because of the time at which I began to pack it on. He said to me, "I go grocery shopping with you. I see what you buy and there is NOTHING BAD....nothing that would account for your difficulty in losing weight." That was good to hear that. Very affirming. I personally don't think it's Enbrel but I think it is due to my psych meds. And also all the steroid weight that I put on and never took off. So I guess I just must be extremely cautious in my eating (as I have been) and exercise when I can (which I mostly do) just to avoid gaining any more.
I think back to a mere three years ago when I lost seventy pounds in about six months with effort yes: but my efforts were rewarded with weight loss. NOw I put in the effort and nothing happens!!
I just got a new video. It's a Leslie Sansone video of five different one mile workouts for a week's worth of working out. I will be optimistic and keep it.....even though I was seriously thinking of giving it to my daughter for Christmas. Maybe what I'll do is go through my videos and take out all the ones I KNOW I will never have the ability to do again (due to health issues) and wrap them up and give them to her. Maybe I'll give her my dumbbells also because my shoulders are unable to pick them up now and even if I have surgery on my arms,I will not be ALLOWED to use them following the surgery....So yeah. That's what I'll do. I already gave her my yoga mat which I kind of regret. But I do have a rug I can lay on when I need to get on the ground....and I think my yoga days are over, honestly.
It feels so sad to pack away parts of my life and give them away and move on. I gave my daughter all of my art supplies and moved on. Now I only work on a cyber tablet. I have, little by little, given up and given away most of the things that are important to me....except my books. I HAVE given away some of my heavy duty study books, like my Greek concordance and my heavier theology books as my days of intense reading and study are largely passed also.
The facts of aging and disability are hitting home and I'm trying to deal with them and keep up to my body's diminishing abilities. It's a fine line to walk between "giving up" and "acknowledgement"....between "copping out" and "honestly assessing strengths and weaknesses."
Part of me is still standing , dressed in workout clothes, on a curb with my jaw dropped to my chest thinking, "What? REALLY?? I really cannot run these two miles anymore?" And no. NO I can't. In fact, I cannot walk for longer than five minutes anymore. And I find that really hard to believe. And really harder to accept.