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Anxiety Laden

Thursday, January 17, 2013

I had my first at home PT today....She assigned me exercises to be done twice daily. She assessed me and said that I am weak however when she saw me walk and do some of the exercises she couldn't believe that I'm two weeks post surg. She feels I'm doing really well...and when she read through my medical history she couldn't believe it, looking at me that I'd been through so much and had so many problems. So that was nice to hear.

IT will be tough to make myself do the exercises twice a day. But I know I need to in order to progress to where I want to be.

I've been having a huge problem with anxiety. Just general free floating stuff. I know that my husband's cardiac illness is part of it. But in general I just feel terrified of problems erupting that I or we do not have the resources with which to cope. My husband has been really terrible to me...acting like it's my fault he's sick and he wants no part of helping me in any way because he feels like he's got all he can deal with with his own illness. I understand that but where does that leave me? I have a chronic illness...actually three chronic illnesses and they aren't going away any time soon. I cannot just pretend they are not here. PLUS he now has me needing to cook these complex meals and to do the shopping for them. I'm really struggling to do that. Many nights I'm hurting too much to think about standing at the stove and even on a good day my legs go completely numb when I stand to cook.

I don't know. I don't know whether to hope he divorces me or whether to fear that. It's definitely a lose/lose situation.

My daughter is going home tomorrow. We will both miss her terribly. And I know that he will really start treating me badly once she is no longer here to referee.
Anyway....dreading it isn't going to help.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • _LINDA
    So very sorry to hear all this :(( Your husband needs special, complex meals? Bull. He just needs to get off the fat and carbs and eat his fruits and veggies!! You two should be on the same wavelength for eating healthy fare actually. You shouldn't have to spend hours in the kitchen with prep. Check out Spark's fast, healthy recipes. Buy frozen or canned (remember to rinse the salt off) veggies so you don't have to wash/cut them up and they are as good as fresh. If you do have a grocery store where you can order online and have groceries delivered, that would be ideal. I have to admit being a vegetarian is fast and easy not having to cook much at all (just egg whites, sweet potato and parsnips and they are super fast in the microwave) In fact I would recommend cooking anything you can in the microwave as its just so fast. I have cooked spaghetti squash (at Mom's as I didn't have a container big enough to fit it) in there and its just as good as baking it for an hour in the oven. Takes 15 min depending on size. And you don't have to wait around watching it either.
    Men have a hard time dealing with any illness, they don't want to believe they have lost their strength and have a weakness -its going to be a special kind of Hell for you when you daughter leaves :(( Just try to keep out of his way. Anything could set him off -its not surprising a Type A personality like him got something like this..
    My thoughts are with you, wishing for a solution to reveal itself..
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2791 days ago
    Sounds like it's time to considersome care for your mental well-being. I've started doing this and while it won't change the people around me it helps me know how to cope and react.
    It sounds like you are both a bit scared the other is not well.
    2800 days ago
    There's nothing I can add to this that others haven't already, Cynthia...

    I'm really proud of you for progressing with the physical therapy, especially as the PT is surprised at where you are and how well you're doing! Keep up the good work, hon. You'll feel the better for it, no matter what lies ahead.
    p.s. While I think of it - are there any supermarkets or groceries in your area that deliver? It might not solve the entire problem, but at least if there are heavy or non-perishable items (canned goods, detergents, etc) that can be delivered, you wouldn't have to worry about shopping for them and getting them home.]
    2800 days ago
  • MEME102
    You certainly don't need that stress on top of trying to recover from surgery. So I take it there's 'no talking/reasoning with him??' Plan meals that are easier on you and just do the best you can....you have the right to tell him -- I can't do it ALL and you can't expect me to!! Prayers go up for you!!
    2801 days ago
    Sweetie, mental and emotional abuse are still forms of abuse. Please talk to someone about getting some help. A pastor, a women's shelter, your Physician even. There is help available and there are programs. Please make use of them. I do not believe that God ever intended for women to stay shackled to abusive men. If your daughter is not aware of the abuse, please tell her. See if there is help for you available nearer to her, where you would be safer and cared for. I will be praying for your safety and continued well-being. emoticon
    2801 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10895053
    Oh my dear, dear Cynthia, I am so sorry that you are laden with anxiety! Are you on disability or in the midst of getting it? You definitely are a candidate I know. I've always thought that about you, you precious friend! emoticon If you are or soon will be, you could have assistance to help you in your time of need. Taht's what they're there for! Housecleaning, meals, etc. If you would one day be on your own, you could be at a place where the meals would be right in your dining room or your own room. Those places aren't always filled with old people. There are younger ones too, who have to be there for different reasons. I know that my sister would've ended up in an assistance living place, but she died before she could get there. She was only 54 and laden with diabetes that took her in the end. Good luck to you with whatever you do. I know that your daughter would help you if you lived closer to her. I'll be thinking of you with lots of love and hugs! Karen emoticon
    2801 days ago
    Cynthia, I honestly wish there was some good advice that I could offer you that would actually help. You know how I feel about your DB husband already. Are there any social services that could help you if you were alone? Surely your taxes pay for something? I honestly believe divorcing the DB would take away a lot of your anxiety. I can't see that he is contributing anything useful to your relationship. I think you need to make a pro and con list of life with him and life without and make your decision based on that. Yeah, boohoo, he's sick too. But he has never taken care of you before he got sick so why should you take care of him. And, if you decide to keep him then you have to decide that it's okay to coddle him and not yourself. Right there would be my answer. Could you move closer to your daughter's house and get some assistance from her?

    By the way, emoticon on impressing your PT! You impress all of us with your determination every day. As far as I can tell, your physical condition (which you can't do too much about) and your husband are the only two things that are making your life miserable. One of these you can do something about. Guess which one?

    2801 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/17/2013 3:37:42 PM
    Do I need to come up there and teach your husband what abuse really is? I can understand him having issues dealing with his "new found" heart disease, but that does not excuse being an ass and he can't take that out on anyone but himself. You haven't been cramming crappy food down his throat his whole life.

    I have always told my mother to have a major "menopause" moment where she just goes off on my dad and tells him or anyone else everything that has been bothering her for years... no matter how tiny or nit-picky it sounds.

    Maybe that will help you feel more in control and get your thoughts out into the open. Just a thought.

    Oh, and cast iron is a wonderful "peacemaker".

    Hugs to you, doll. I do hope you are able to make it through your PT so you can move forward... no matter what that may mean, as forward is usually a better place to be than where we are now.

    Peace, Angela
    2801 days ago
    I am so sorry that you are in this situation just reading your post breaks my heart. Do you have any other family/Friends near by to help you once your daughter goes home. I am thinking of you. You got to focus on taking care of you though, even though your husband also has illness and I don't know the full details of course but he should want to try to help you in any way he can. emoticon
    2801 days ago
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