What's the REAL reason?
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
What's the REAL reason behind me wanting to get fit? I didn't say 'lose weight'. I really mean "get fit". I can give all of the expected answers - to play with my kids, to live to see my grandkids, to be able to go shopping in the "normal" size areas of the store - and all of those are true, but is it really what drives me?
I grew up "the smart, fat girl". I never felt like I fit in because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. In 2005 I had a health scare (PE) and I decided the only way to prevent another one was to get moving. I started walking - not to lose weight, but to keep my blood pumping through my veins. After several months of walking, it was no longer enough. Wait - let me back up... I went walking at 2:00 in the morning on the treadmill at the gym. I was too embarrassed to be seen during "normal" hours so I went in the middle of the night. I did my workout, went home, showered and went back to bed until it was time to go to work. Pretty soon walking wasn't enough so I started jogging and weight lifting. The pounds started coming off - not that I knew though. I didn't step on a scale after I left the hospital from my appendectomy (that was 3 months after my PE). But my clothes fit different. I was eating healthier. I was feeling better. Eventually I lost 76 pounds.
Now to today. I put 35 of those pounds back on. Health is no longer the motivator it used to be. I have started eating right and lifting weights again. Not because of my health, but because I want to wear my fun clothes again. I don't want to be 'frumpy girl' again. I used to hide behind my clothes. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again - not self conscious about the muffin top. I don't want to feel jiggly. I don't want my daughter to be embarrassed by me (my looks). I want to fit in. I want to be 'normal'. I know in my head that size doesn't make someone normal or abnormal, but in my heart - that's another story. The greatest distance these days is the distance between my head and my heart.
Time to close the gap. Time to accept myself as 'normal' as I am right now. Time to realize size doesn't dictate acceptance. Time to realize I'm a worthy person because I am, not because I wear the right size clothes. Time to love myself for myself as I am. Not that I will give up the fight of working toward a healthier me - not a chance. But it is time to love myself. My dad used to say "we are spiritual beings have a human experience". What that means to me is I need to accept my spirit. My human body is what it is. I want to take care of it so it can house my spirit more capably.
So, why do I want to REALLY lose weight? I want my spirit carrier to be around long enough to truly enjoy life.