Need some help
Friday, May 17, 2013
I'm feeling pretty terrible at the moment. I've been through some trauma today--mostly dealing with my husband. I'm not going to husband bash here but suffice it to say that the situation has left me feeling very shaky ....and like going out for a burger fries, and milkshake. I know that if I did that it would be a purely self-destructive thing to do...it would be an evidence of just not giving a crap anymore. Which is basically the path my husband is taking....so what sense is it that I would go and do the very thing I'm mad at him for doing? It makes no sense. But there it is. I kind of feel like, "Well if he doesn't care about his life or about me enough to take care of himself, then why should I give a flying crap about me either?
But I know that that is a negative, self destructive way of showing lack of concern about myself. And that is NOT really what I want. I want someone to care about me. To want to take care of me and protect me. I want someone to care about themselves alongside of me caring about MYself. I have to be tough here. I have to say, "Do what you want to destroy yourself, but I am worth more. I am worth taking care of. I am worth making a fighting effort to save." The only problem is that I don't really believe that at the moment. At the moment I feel like throwing in the towel and going belly up.
I really just feel like going to bed....and not getting up for several days. Tonight's dinner that my daughter chose will take some effort to make and I don't want to make any effort. I want to order pizza and lose myself in the greasy cheese.
Needless to say I need some support here. I need something from you readers. I'm not sure what I want you to say but I want you to Make it Better somehow. Good luck with that.