My hibernation: As a lot of you know- my childrens' baby brother was murdered 3 years ago, September 13th, 2010 (my ex-husband's son). Last month, the monster who killed him was released from custody, because she was deemed incompetent to stand trial.
As my blog followers know, my youngest daughter (19) has a mental illness and around the anniversary of anything tragic in her life she acts out (and their life has not been easy). This year was no different. I will not go into details- but I found out that she dabbled in prostitution.
My oldest daughter has chronic depression, like me, and just stops taking care of herself. Which is dangerous because of her medical issues- so I end up harping on her all the time.
I am still reeling from all of this, plus the normal load on my plate. Hence the disappearing.
My facebook status yesterday was this (and I realize that I should have posted it on Sparkpeople too):
I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to hold this much anger, sadness, loneliness, hurt, frustration, and weakness inside. These are days that the mask just falls off. Not slips, falls all the way to the ground. If I feel like this, how am I supposed to be there for my girls?(Don't worry, they can't see this post). How am I going to put on a happy face and pretend that I can do anything? Yes, I know- this should be a diary entry, not a Facebook status. But maybe after reading this, people will stop asking me if I am mad at them. I am only mad at one person today, and it isn't anyone that I have contact with. It is the person that has made this day mean something SO FAR from what it should mean. So, if I am quiet and withdrawn- I am just trying to function on a less than humiliating basis. I am trying to keep from crying in public. I am trying to move forward toward goals that don't feel as important to me as they will again when this passes. I am just trying to survive. Please don't take it personally. And if you can't give me this one week of not doing my best to make your life/mood/attitude better- then maybe we aren't friends after all. . .
So now the day is over, things were done that needed to be done- and the guilt kicks in because I let it all happen again.
Time to take stock and see what needs to be done:
I will make it to the gym a 3rd time this week- in about 5 hours. I will finish my squats for the day, and continue with the September squat challenge (I started with 30 on the 1st of September and added 5 more every day. Today I do 95 squats).
I will try to let go of my childrens' lives a little bit. Their choices are not my choices, and it is really about time I let natural consequences have more of an effect. They are 20 and 19 for crying out loud.
I will figure out my financial situation, at least at a baseline.
I will get through today (I am having a problem with looking forward more than 24 hours at the moment).
I will check in with my teams and be very grateful that so many of you have put up with me for so many years and not all of you have unfriended me or given up on me yet. I really appreciate you.
I will not give up.
I will be DETERMINED!