Into the future
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
I have been down this road before. My life is splayed out before my like some animal's rotting carcass that was run over by a mack truck. It still sucks, and its not easier. Turning to food was like walking into a blanket fresh out of the dryer, warm and smelling of goodness. The problem is, that feeling of comfort is only fleeting. It lasts just a few moments, and while they were nearly spectacular, they are still over before you realise it.
The blanket is cold now, and i sit in the stillness of my life and reflect upon the thirty pounds and the newly sprouted grays upon my haid, I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin. There is no end to this discomfort for as the pounds heave themselves onto my five foot five frame, the frame begins to weaken and the joints begin to hurt. Standing becomes an obstacle, and effort. And running from my own pain is not even in the picture.
This internal struggle to be free of this fatness- is really and internal struggle with emotions that I am working so hard to hide from. Being slighted, or hurt by anyone else is only compounded by my inabliity to love myself. Despite the fact that I am so good at helping others to heal and to grow and to be better people.
So I am reminded of the advice that I so freely give to others, but have to adopt into my heart. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Today, as I move through the day, and embrace the once daunting future I sought to run from, I will say it again. Be kind to yourself.