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Pain Pain here to Stay

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Right now I'm in the midst of re-assessing pain meds. I would like to go off of them....I'm sick of explaining myself to people as to the severity of my pain and why I am kowtowing to pain management doctors. I am tired of explaining my pain. I am tired of worrying about whether or not my pain meds will be available when I need them in the future. Is there something inherently more noble in those who refuse pain meds? Or are they just surfing in on a wave of pain and are they more strong? Would I really be more independent if I didn't take narcs? I remember long tearful nights in the days just prior to going on to constant morphine...No sleep. Nothing accomplished in the day.....just getting through one moment at a time. Is that noble? Or just stupid? Some people are so much holier than thou if I use pain meds and they don't. Is suffering when you don't have to, noble?

I'll tell you what. If I could get rid of my PM guy I would be very happy. Maybe that alone is benefit enough to warrant a serious detox. It would make it much clearer as to how well the biologic is working also. I don't need narcs muddying the waters. So yeah..I think I do need to get off them. I have an appointment with the PM guy next week. Do I keep the appointment and tell him my plans? There was some kind of med he can use to reduce the pain of detox. I think I will check that out.

Is there something inherently dignified and admirable in suffering? Is there something admirable in refusing tried and true means of reducing pain? Does it make you a "warrior?" It DOES give you wrinkles and gray hair. And according to that pain doc whose site I once read on here...Pain shortens your life. it is a life shortening , life threatening process....It brings on heart disease and wear and tear on all the organs. I used to be all proud and cocky about my unmitigated pain...But really. I think when I'm weighing this out for myself, Pain is not inherently good. Suffering pain is not inherently noble. So there must be some other motive for quitting the meds.

I would have to say that just the ability to get rid of one more doctor, can only be a good thing. It will save me $40 a month....Plus the cost of gas and food. And too , I need not worry about not having meds available to me in the chaos of the new healthcare package when every thing becomes a cause for concern and when the same people who seek to take guns out of the arena will also be hell bent on ridding the world of narcotics (even those used for medicinal purposes...) I do not want to have any area of dependency....I do not want to empower ANYONE to make me miserable.. If I'm miserable it will be a misery of my own making....One that I can manage and control. It's for this reason that I drink decaf coffee..... I do not want anyone to have the power to give me a headache.Therefore. I will not yield to a caffeine addiction.

With pain drugs however, the picture changes. It's not because of the limitations put on me by the drug that makes me miserable (although it certainly can)....It is the limitation of the pain itself that limits me. So there is a subtle , yet profound difference here. Where lies your greatest limits? Is it the pain or the drug to treat the pain that we trip over in our quest for independence? That question must be answered on a case by case basis. If it is pain that keeps you bound, then it makes sense to put up with some difficulty and annoyance that being medically dependent on a drug can bring. If it is your efforts to procure meds that keeps you running in circles and not performing at your best and at odds with your doctors....Then honey, you need to get off those drugs and invest in life.

I am medically dependent on a very powerful narcotic. However,other than trying to remember to take it twice a day, I do not think about the drug again until my next dose. I do not enjoy it. It does NOTHING to me or for me except to make my pain more tolerable. I am not a junkie. Or a "user" or a "seeker" I would be very happy to be rid of this drug...however if it must be then it must be that I take it in order to participate in life on any level whatsoever.

Two things P*** me off. 1) is some organization , law, or mindset that dictates that because I use this drug I am then "a user"....they are using two very different meanings of the same word to make an invalid point.
2) Some person with chronic pain---whether to a small or great degree--who thinks that because they forgo the drug, they are somehow more noble than I. I"ll see your pain and raise you four. Pain is not a
competition. It is an unholy hell of a condition that must be dealt with in any manner we can find effective. The decision about how to fight your personal battle with pain, is a personal one. And NO one has any right to comment on your method of war, unless you truly ARE a user....in which case, you belong in a rehab.

I've been to hell and back. I've experienced more pain in the past 30 years than anyone should have to. I've fought with the narcotics...I've fought without reprieve. I have had morphine pumps implanted in my abdomen and found even there, that the relief is short lived. Once more I am in a place where i'm reconsidering my tactics....But that is up to me. And I think that when I arrive at a conclusion...I will not be discussing it with anyone. It just is nobody's biz.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I got off pain meds for the reasons you listed my doc would snear at me and asking for a refill was like asking for his left arm.. I as well got nothing but some relief from the meds.. They actually made me grumpier to be honest. I ended up taking 1/2 doses and saving up as to avoid seeing him.. Sure enough I went in and he told me I needed to see a "pain specialist'. I said no thanks I have saved enough pills to last me 6 months(this was a few years back) and I use the pills to help with pain not stop it entirely. Funny thing was then he said oh your not a user or something and wrote me a larger script...
    I think it is also a Ego thing for the docs sometimes as well.

    I am off the meds entirely but when I hurt enough, (4 or more of 10) I bitch until they give me what I need. Since I take the meds less they work much better and my lil stash is still good for a bit.

    Your blog is well written as always and I could relate and be in your shoes is what writing is all about. Your VERY good at it!

    I am so sorry for your pain my friend and look

    forward to long chats in Heaven with you one day.
    2493 days ago
    Thank you for this well-written and insightful blog. Doctors and medical staff can be so very blind to the way their patients suffer. They appear to have a blind spot to that. There are even times when I wonder if they are afraid to feel anything because in their mind it's unprofessional.

    I too live with chronic pain. How would I describe chronic pain--a parasite that sucks all the life out of you. Over the years I have been doing a lot of research on pain. I have personally found diet does and can help. Plus I now found an excellent diet program call the Gerson--Dr. Gerson has had excellent success with help people. So I am going to give it a try.

    I so much hope you will find an answer to either naturally coping with you chronic pain, or, getting rid of it. Again, thank you for this blog.
    2493 days ago
    it's easy to be dogmatic and make blanket statements about things....until you live through it. people are sometimes ignorant, and say things from that place. there is no inherent goodness in suffering.
    keep making decisions based on what you know about who you are. when people behave badly, i consider their unawareness, thank God they DON'T understand, and move on. i would never wish pain on someone, but there are times i come close....thinking, if only you knew!
    hang in there, sister!
    2493 days ago
    Dear Cynthia, Thank you for your blog.
    I hope your biologic will help to get at the source of your RA and give you some relief. Mine did. It took 3 - 4 months to start working and then got better for a couple more months. With it, I am not miserable, just annoyed, by pain and stiffness for the first time since my RA started.
    Pain is truly life-changing and affects everything in your life. It can be derpessing too. I wish you success in eliminating or curing it.
    I'll keep you in my prayers.
    2494 days ago
  • _LINDA
    I am a firm believer in no one should have to suffer for no reason. Here in Canada, they really restrict access to stronger drugs to younger patients for worry of addiction. But fortunately for me, my family Dr., who has know me since age 16, knows I am not an addictive personality and would just as soon as be off drugs then on them. She has only prescribed the heavier stuff when I am going through really bad times. She always starts cautiously, at the lowest level and just works my way up until I feel I have some kind of control over the pain. She trusts me that I will take the barest minimum to get by. I certainly don't like to suffer and I will complain when its not being controlled. Right now its not being controlled all that well as I am getting very little sleep due to waking up in pain. I always wonder how on Earth do you ever get any sleep when you are in such horrible pain?? Lack of rest also increases the pain, making you less able to deal with it.
    Your pain specialist should be working hard at finding any kind of way to control your pain then just heavy narcotics (or find something with less effects) One poor woman at my bridge club was on high doses of morphine for having all her vertebrae column broken. It didn't control her pain and made her feel worse as it kept her awake. So she switched Dr.'s and got a different medicine entirely which worked way better and made her feel better. She is 95 and lives alone as she doesn't qualify for a nursing home because she can still walk even though with great pain. She also has bowel cancer and had most of her colon removed. At least one thing here, you are allowed to switch Dr.'s if you are not happy with the one you have.
    I hope you can find something that works for you,
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2494 days ago
    emoticon Very well written blog. I live with chronic pain also, and I can relate to so much of what you wrote about.
    2494 days ago
  • PGHP31CK
    You're right. Pain is NOT a competition. It's pain, whether physical, mental, or emotional.

    Praying that you will make the right decision for YOU.

    2494 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/20/2013 2:13:13 PM
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