Introducing myself to my Body
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Not feeling my greatest, yesterday and today. I took my MTX (methotrexate- a chemo drug also used for autoimmune disease) yesterday and it made me SO sick...Similarly, the Actemra (and IV infused medicine for the same purpose) made me terribly sick this past time. I had taken MTX two other times in years past and it never made me sick before, although it DID make my hair fall out. So I guess I'm finally going through what so many of my friends on the RAD team have gone through. I always felt guilty for not having any side effects --so I guess I asked for it and now I"ve got it.
I will be staying close to home today...it's Sunday but we had a snowfall over night with some ice so I don't know if we will be having church. Regardless, I'm not going. I am still having diarrhea and nausea today so will just rest.
On Thursday I see the eye doctor again. He wants to do laser surgery on my eyes. I guess I will be in the ten percent of people with glaucoma who need surgery. I hope he does it this week as it will be free for me if I get it done this year. I'm kind of nervous about it. The thought of cutting into my eyes grosses me out. I"ve been told that it is no big deal and not painful. Hopefully that is accurate.
I know that I need to get my body moving again. I get so winded even after just walking up one flight of stairs. I know I need to do something easy, something that won't send me into an asthma attack or cause horrible pain. I so much wish I lived on level ground. My house is at the top of a steep hill so no matter what direction I go, I will have to end my walk by climbing up that mountain...and I know I can't do it. Besides I can't walk through the snow and ice. Probably my best bet would be to get back on that recumbent bike and see how long I can stand to do it. When your body hurts even at rest it is so hard to convince it to move. I know that is no excuse but it is true. Add to that the risk of becoming too breathless and kicking off asthma, well, exercise looks scary.
So maybe I need to start REALLY SMALL. (all this talk about "baby steps") In the week to come I will try to do five minutes on the bike three times. Does that sound manageable? It does and at the same time looks scary. I will have to do a nebulizer treatment before exercising so that the risk of an asthma attack is smaller. Yes, baby steps. When a person is ill and spends a lot of time sitting or laying down....you become a stranger to your body. Your body is the source of a lot of misery. It is hard to befriend that stranger and get it to work for you. It is hard to own it and harder yet to change it. I need to somehow do that. There were three times in my life when I was in great shape and felt good being in my body. Three times where I went from being sick and weak, to becoming strong and thin. I know it can be done and I know it eventually will feel great. But starting out is SO hard...and SO intimidating. Especially when I am unable to use my arms ( I am facing a total shoulder replacement very soon).
Well this week I will do my five minutes. And who knows maybe I can sneak it up to ten.