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LIBBYG7

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Would that I Could!!!

Monday, January 20, 2014

WARNING; THIS IS A RANT!!

Oh ...... how I'd love to post a fun blog - where I took a fabulous trip - and hiked to the top of a peak with a magnificent view (as I've done before) --- or experienced the pure joy of walking over the Brooklyn Bridge and perused the Wall Street area where I spent 15 years of my professional life-- or met a group of friends for a play and dinner on Broadway...or write that I just took a 2 hour walk around my beautiful park with Lucy and sat under a tree watching the world go by. ..things that were just facts of my life; Never gave them a second thought.

Now --- even with potent pain meds - I can barely stand up from a sitting position - and if I walk more than a block it's a victory - even tho' every step is sooo painful. More often or not I stumble into my apt building - and struggle up the six steps to the elevator - with the doorman looking nervously on, praying I don't fall on his watch. It's been years; and countless doctors and countless 'procedures' and countless medications - years. I'm tired of it.

I don't know why I'm writing this now - maybe it's because I just ate about 4 tablespoons of peanut butter and a glass of milk- and it's going on 11pm. I feel out of control - so I sat down at the computer to keep me from doing any more damage. Food fills the holes - provides solace - and momentarily makes me forget now much I hurt.

Does anyone reading this suffer from a chronic condition ? One that actually prevents them from enjoying life - from relating normally to people? I'd sure love to study your coping skills.
Yes - I'm depressed and I take antipdepressants. The doctors pay lip service to me - but in reality - my situation is too complicated and they don't want to take the time to fully investigate ALL the symptoms, all the complications....connect the dots........everyone's a specialist! They only study the space between freckles!!!!! (the NYTimes had a wonderful article about 'specialists' in Sunday's paper.....worth a read.)

Sorry to let this all out. I don't even feel embarrassed -- just tired. I'd gladly settle for a life with restrictions ---- I'd gladly settle for a life!!! Right now, all I want to do is sleep - I'm so tired all the time. So unmotivated........

OK.....Please don't commiserate.....the last thing I want is pity. I'm not having a pity party - I'm just trying to think it through in writing ----- what the next steps should be. Among friends. I've becoming too passive- and I'm all 'doctored out'. The last thing I want to do is see another doctor --- although some of my conditions need monitoring. I tend to let things ride these days........

I NEED so much to lose weight - but how can I when the only thing that provides comfort is food? What a conundrum! Again ---- if anyone has a chronic, debilitating condition - and has developed good coping skills ---- I'd surely love to hear from you! You might help more than you can know.

If you're still reading this rant - my heartfelt thanks. I'd hate to think what's cathartic for me - is a burden for someone else.

I battle every day ----- but I'm never giving up!! I so want to write a happy, sparkling blog....that's a goal.....a big one!!!

Hugs to all......Libby
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SWDESERTLOVER
    Libby, I cannot say that I understand what you're going through as the few problems I have are minor compared to yours. I can only imagine, and your writing confirms, the level of frustration you have to be feeling with seeing so many doctors and not getting the answers and help you need. I have been off here a while and just saw that you are having a procedure today. My thoughts and prayers are with you dear and I truly hope that you can find some relief and reclaim your life.

    Your blog put things into perspective for me. I was just sitting here dreading a very minor foot surgery coming up on Tuesday and hating the fact that I will be in a cast for three weeks. Now I realize, after reading this, how fortunate I am that this is all I am dealing with right now. I cannot imagine being in pain every day as you are. I know it's easy for me to sit here from the comfort of my home, not facing what you are, and tell you it will be okay, but I really, really hope that you do find a solution to your condition and get some relief from the pain.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2454 days ago
  • KRISKAY1962
    HANG IN THERE. LIFE IS JUST LIFE. NOTHING EASY ABOUT IT. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU. I WORK AS A CNA IN THE HOSPITAL AND PAIN IS NEVER AN EASY THING TO DEAL WITH. AND IT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE IT IS BRINGING YOU DOWN TREMENDOUSLY. I FOUND A NEW QUOTE TODAY. "DON'T GIVE UP! FOR YOU WILL ONLY TRULY LOSE IF YOU ABANDON HOPE".
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2462 days ago
  • MILLIE-MILOU
    I too suffer with depression but have found the right meds, I think. Finally.
    Sparking helps me, as does cycling (which isn't helpful at all in your situation I guess).

    I don't think that you are having a rant, I think that you are just letting it out and thats what we Sparkies are here for, to listen and to support. I will pray for you. Living several thousand miles from you, its the only practical thing that I can do for you. I will keep praying for you.

    God bless you
    R
    2463 days ago
  • KAYDE53
    Sometimes, it just helps to talk it out!! We're here to listen, that's what friends are for! Just keep on hanging in there! Hugs to both you & Lucy!!
    2463 days ago
  • MILLISMA
    Libby, don't call this a rant. Sometimes you just need to let things out and this is a great place to do it....with friends!!!!

    I agree that LESLIEJEAN43 had some great things to add. If I lived close, I stop in to visit with you and Lucy and we could go and share a cup of coffee or something.. Don't ever give up. Stay positive. Maybe one of these days the right doctor will come along and ease your pain. I always keep you in my prayers.

    hugs to you and Lucy.......Mary Anne
    2463 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    LESLIEJEAN43 has some very good advice and after checking her weight loss ticker, it is working for her. Take care.
    2464 days ago
  • LESLIEJEAN43
    Libby, I do understand. I used to be a ballet dancer and a track star, and walked so fast that people had trouble keeping up. Now I don't think I could walk a block, except maybe with my walker - I haven't tried it. I too have trouble getting up, and when I walk around in my apartment, I'm always holding on to, or at least touching, things so I don't lose my balance. My arthritis is steadily getting worse and I have to take a lot of pain pills. Thank goodness I have my car so I can get around to meetings and appointments!
    I do still find a lot of joy in life. I spend a good deal of time on the computer, and keep up regular correspondence with several people. I have friends whom I call, and they call me. I read, write and knit; there aren't enough hours in the day for me to do all I would like to do.
    I have a cat I adore, though it's hard for me to keep his litter box clean. I know you have Lucy, but can't imagine how you walk her!
    I try to focus on what I can do, rather than what I can't. I remain grateful for what I have.
    I don't know if this helps at all, but I'm cheering you on.
    I hope you have a wonderful day!

    Hugs, Leslie emoticon
    2464 days ago
  • MARYANN2323
    Never a burden, Libs. And if a rant is what you need, by all means, go ahead! I hope you can connect with someone who knows what you're going through. Their insights may help. And know that I'm sending you big hugs! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2464 days ago
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