WARNING; THIS IS A RANT!!
Oh ...... how I'd love to post a fun blog - where I took a fabulous trip - and hiked to the top of a peak with a magnificent view (as I've done before) --- or experienced the pure joy of walking over the Brooklyn Bridge and perused the Wall Street area where I spent 15 years of my professional life-- or met a group of friends for a play and dinner on Broadway...or write that I just took a 2 hour walk around my beautiful park with Lucy and sat under a tree watching the world go by. ..things that were just facts of my life; Never gave them a second thought.
Now --- even with potent pain meds - I can barely stand up from a sitting position - and if I walk more than a block it's a victory - even tho' every step is sooo painful. More often or not I stumble into my apt building - and struggle up the six steps to the elevator - with the doorman looking nervously on, praying I don't fall on his watch. It's been years; and countless doctors and countless 'procedures' and countless medications - years. I'm tired of it.
I don't know why I'm writing this now - maybe it's because I just ate about 4 tablespoons of peanut butter and a glass of milk- and it's going on 11pm. I feel out of control - so I sat down at the computer to keep me from doing any more damage. Food fills the holes - provides solace - and momentarily makes me forget now much I hurt.
Does anyone reading this suffer from a chronic condition ? One that actually prevents them from enjoying life - from relating normally to people? I'd sure love to study your coping skills.
Yes - I'm depressed and I take antipdepressants. The doctors pay lip service to me - but in reality - my situation is too complicated and they don't want to take the time to fully investigate ALL the symptoms, all the complications....connect the dots........everyone's a specialist! They only study the space between freckles!!!!! (the NYTimes had a wonderful article about 'specialists' in Sunday's paper.....worth a read.)
Sorry to let this all out. I don't even feel embarrassed -- just tired. I'd gladly settle for a life with restrictions ---- I'd gladly settle for a life!!! Right now, all I want to do is sleep - I'm so tired all the time. So unmotivated........
OK.....Please don't commiserate.....the last thing I want is pity. I'm not having a pity party - I'm just trying to think it through in writing ----- what the next steps should be. Among friends. I've becoming too passive- and I'm all 'doctored out'. The last thing I want to do is see another doctor --- although some of my conditions need monitoring. I tend to let things ride these days........
I NEED so much to lose weight - but how can I when the only thing that provides comfort is food? What a conundrum! Again ---- if anyone has a chronic, debilitating condition - and has developed good coping skills ---- I'd surely love to hear from you! You might help more than you can know.
If you're still reading this rant - my heartfelt thanks. I'd hate to think what's cathartic for me - is a burden for someone else.
I battle every day ----- but I'm never giving up!! I so want to write a happy, sparkling blog....that's a goal.....a big one!!!
Hugs to all......Libby