Maxine on 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Maxine wishes all a good year
As we progress onto 2014, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the knob or lemon peel.
I can't sit on a hotel bedspread. I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. (Just look around while waiting at traffic lights.)
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip. Imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any other woman's handbag. Because she may have placed it on the floor in a public restroom.
I must send my special thanks for the emails I've received about rat-poo in the glue on envelopes. Now I have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
I also have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward your e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't sneak into the back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room. I learned in an e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…