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Ruminations

Monday, April 14, 2014

I didn't weigh myself today. Every time I weighed myself in the past week or so, I gained a pound with every weigh in. I am really seeing how fat I am ---feeling heavy and fitting in to only my biggest clothes. But I have been making some positive steps. I have been doing some strength exercises (asthma is acting up so no cardio) and I have been signing in to Spark as well as tracking once again. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself. I also should take a "before" picture soon because last time I was this heavy I was so disgusted by myself I didn't weigh, measure or photograph myself so I never really did have an accurate comparison. I feel like my baby steps will soon start to be visible so I want to take a picture soon. I wish my daughter were here to do it but she's away for a few days. I can't ask my husband....so it's up to me to do a "selfie." I haven't measured myself for a long time, so it really is like starting over.

my husband does not want me to cook him dinner. I can just eat fruit and home made soy yogurt. Or I can heat up a freezer meal. I'm considering using the menus prepared by Spark....I will have to give that some thought. For tonight I'm going to have a frozen meal and also prepare some asparagus tips I bought . That sounds good.

It's going to be a very lonely week with my daughter gone til Thursday. On Thursday I have my infusion for the RA/PsA meds....and then on Friday I have to go to the eye doctor to see if my glaucoma is progressing. Tomorrow a friend is coming over. and Wednesday I have PT....so I guess the week is not a complete bust....there is something happening each day.

My daughter has been on her own weight loss journey--she has had greater success than I thus far. For her, as well as for me, there is a danger whenever we attempt to lose weight as both of us are recovered eating disordered patients. For me, there has been some years since I was dangerously thin....but those thoughts and fears still play with my mind. I cannot grasp how big I've gotten. My body image is skewed and I cannot perceive myself accurately. I can see someone who weighs in the 300's and I will think I am bigger than they....and yet too, somewhere in my head is this skinny little thing and it is with disbelief that I read the scale. It's an odd thing....I still struggle with the urge just to stop eating all together. It would be easier and less complicated than dealing with the dangers of calories and fats and carbs. It is kind of frightening to even talk about that stuff now....even though it is years away. My daughter hates it when I'm on a weight-loss effort because I become so focused and obsessed that I do not have time or attention for anything else. It's the only way I know how to do it. Even a couple years ago, here at spark....when I lost 70 lbs. I was consumed. I wish there was another way for me to do it. But it's the only way I know how..
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JANISMKW
    Dear Cynthia,

    "A hammer is not a spiritual tool." It doesn't help to beat yourself up or indulge in negative thoughts about yourself. Baby steps are good, I think, because that's the way to really change your habits. You can't change everything all at once.

    This is your life, each day is precious, you are precious. Strive for health and self-love. I think that's hard for all of us who have been overweight. Having RA is a huge challenge too, in many ways. Lots of us, me included, can identify with that.

    I'd suggest changing one habit... eat 5 fruits and vegs a day or track everything you eat or just drink 8 glasses of water. You have been exercising and tracking that very consistently... kudos for that. I've read that it takes 30 days to solidify a new habit. So maybe keep exercising at least 5 days a week until that's been 30 days, then add another baby step. What's that Chinese saying? "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Just keep moving toward health and happiness. You deserve it!

    Thank you again for all you do as one of the leaders of the RAD Team. The team means a great deal to me.

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    2349 days ago
  • _LINDA
    Looks like you need to do all things in moderation. Those baby steps apply to training the mind not just the body. Can't really do one without the other. A healthy mind set will go a long way to producing a healthy body. You need to be stable to make it last for the long term. Its the long term that counts. As long as on average, you are doing most things right, you can get this. I have had some serious snacking binges, but because all my meals are healthy and I love to exercise this has saved me. But when I can't exercise then it becomes critical to watch the food. I haven't done such a great job with that so I have regained weight. But I can't blame anyone but me.
    Lets keep banging our heads against the wall. Sooner or later we are going to bust through! Hang in there!
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    2349 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10895053
    Baby steps are truly a way to get there. Remember how we started out with just little minutes of exercise to a whole day? That counts for something and really a lot too, when one hasn't been doing much with having RA. I know so much how RA can affect our exercise routine and we just do what we can do. I'm having a bad day with pain, etc., and it feels so good to lay low today. We just do what we can do. There, I said it again, but it's so true. emoticon Karen
    2349 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    Sweetheart, You know what to do .. Use the spark tracker .. It's their for you .. Start by tracking everything you put in your mouth .. Check out their recipes ... Eat fresh fruit and veggies .. If you can't be bothered to cook... try juicing your veggies .. Make sure you do include a quarter of the pulp back into your juice .. Just baby steps darling ... Know that you are loved... Hugs Susie xx emoticon emoticon
    2349 days ago
  • GOOSIEMOON
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    2349 days ago
  • ROSEOFSHARON87
    Baby steps are okay. They lead to big results. Don't beat yourself up because that won't get you anywhere. You can't change the past, but you can change today and tomorrow, and so on. emoticon
    2349 days ago
  • ROCKPORT9
    Using the spark food tracker is a good way to eat real food and stay in calorie range. You can do this....baby steps.
    2349 days ago
  • BABY_GIRL69
    Learn to do it but take time with your family, friends & hobbies. I know exactly what you mean, I trying to pull back but gaining weight as I do. I need to be more focused on fitness & then food. This equation for me equals success but if I become focused people ask me to stop losing....ugh! It's frustrating and both ends....you can do it & emoticon emoticon

    God bless, emoticon

    Dee
    2349 days ago
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