Monday, April 14, 2014
I didn't weigh myself today. Every time I weighed myself in the past week or so, I gained a pound with every weigh in. I am really seeing how fat I am ---feeling heavy and fitting in to only my biggest clothes. But I have been making some positive steps. I have been doing some strength exercises (asthma is acting up so no cardio) and I have been signing in to Spark as well as tracking once again. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself. I also should take a "before" picture soon because last time I was this heavy I was so disgusted by myself I didn't weigh, measure or photograph myself so I never really did have an accurate comparison. I feel like my baby steps will soon start to be visible so I want to take a picture soon. I wish my daughter were here to do it but she's away for a few days. I can't ask my husband....so it's up to me to do a "selfie." I haven't measured myself for a long time, so it really is like starting over.
my husband does not want me to cook him dinner. I can just eat fruit and home made soy yogurt. Or I can heat up a freezer meal. I'm considering using the menus prepared by Spark....I will have to give that some thought. For tonight I'm going to have a frozen meal and also prepare some asparagus tips I bought . That sounds good.
It's going to be a very lonely week with my daughter gone til Thursday. On Thursday I have my infusion for the RA/PsA meds....and then on Friday I have to go to the eye doctor to see if my glaucoma is progressing. Tomorrow a friend is coming over. and Wednesday I have PT....so I guess the week is not a complete bust....there is something happening each day.
My daughter has been on her own weight loss journey--she has had greater success than I thus far. For her, as well as for me, there is a danger whenever we attempt to lose weight as both of us are recovered eating disordered patients. For me, there has been some years since I was dangerously thin....but those thoughts and fears still play with my mind. I cannot grasp how big I've gotten. My body image is skewed and I cannot perceive myself accurately. I can see someone who weighs in the 300's and I will think I am bigger than they....and yet too, somewhere in my head is this skinny little thing and it is with disbelief that I read the scale. It's an odd thing....I still struggle with the urge just to stop eating all together. It would be easier and less complicated than dealing with the dangers of calories and fats and carbs. It is kind of frightening to even talk about that stuff now....even though it is years away. My daughter hates it when I'm on a weight-loss effort because I become so focused and obsessed that I do not have time or attention for anything else. It's the only way I know how to do it. Even a couple years ago, here at spark....when I lost 70 lbs. I was consumed. I wish there was another way for me to do it. But it's the only way I know how..