The big nasty "C" word.
Monday, May 05, 2014
I can't believe I haven't blogged since November! I was spending lots of time with Ben and loving life and enjoying every minute of it until two things happened.
1) My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer on March 13th. She isn't very hopeful. This has been an extremely hard journey since that date, trying not to let myself fall into the depression that keeps knocking at my door, and trying to remain positive while figuring out what I need to do. My mom is in Vancouver and I am in Lethbridge which means a 12 hour drive each way to see her. This means approx $400 in gas, or a $500-600 flight (which still includes a 2 hour drive to Calgary to get on a plane). A huge financial strain I cannot handle. I don't have any savings stashed away for stuff like this. Ugh. My mom has been for numerous tests and is going in for "heavy chemo and radiation" which means chemo once every three weeks for 5 days, plus radiation 5x per week for 3 weeks on her lung, plus 5x a week for 2 weeks on her brain to prevent any cancer that may have spread to her brain. Hugely scary process for her. She doesn't want to eat, she is scared to death and is hardly remaining hopeful. As you can imagine, this has been a really hard time for me and my family.
2) My boyfriend left for school in March, for two months. Thank goodness he was just in Calgary and I could see him on weekends with only a 2 hour drive. He was able to come home as soon as I found out about my mom, and has completely been my rock throughout this process. He was home for one week but unfortunately he got a job 3.5 hours away in Saskatchewan for the next week weeks, and then 16 hours away for the 6-8 weeks after that. UGH. It's going to be extremely hard without him. It already has been and he's only been gone for 4 days! I am going to take advantage of him only being 3.5 hours away this weekend, and go stay with him in the new camper he bought last week. It really sucks, but this was his goal and I am glad he is achieving it. We have been Skyping every day and texting throughout the day. I wish he was here.
During this whole thing I have managed to gain like 12 pounds. I am totally not impressed. I realize how unmotivated and disorganized I have been, just dragging my ass through the days. I have been sick since April 7th. I have been eating like crap and just not even caring. I am signed up for a 10k run in 20 days but haven't run since March 6th. I have been eating a bag of chips a day. Just destroying myself. I realized this when I came home from my trip home to Vancouver. Today is really my first day "getting my sh*t together". I printed a guide for 8 weeks to 5k, since I can barely motivate myself to walk around the block. Hell, I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed. I printed my 3 week meal plan and spent the day portioning everything out and doing meal prep yesterday. I need to stay organized and focused. Just because my mom is sick doesn't mean I can let myself become sick. I need to be strong and healthy for her so that I can be in my right mind and well enough to take care of her when she needs me. I am starting again today, right back where I started (ok, 6 lbs less but still it feels like square 1).
So, that's where I'm at. I'm trying REALLY hard to keep a smile on and pretend it's all ok. Just praying I am strong enough to make it through all of this.