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Ok, I'll write a blog.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Some of you have asked me to write an update blog.... I haven't written a blog in a long time, quite simply because I am mortified at how far I've let myself go.

My mom was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer on March 13, 2014. Every day after that was a blur. Struggling to make it through each day. I had no idea it was a blur at the time. My eating habits went to sh*t, as well as my motivation and exercise habits. I had no determination, no motivation, and was essentially giving up on everything at that point. I went to see her with my boyfriend in June, and was extremely relieved when I saw her doing better. I had visited her in April as well, when she was depressed and wouldn't leave her room, wouldn't eat and had no strength to push through this. I needed that June trip to see her doing better. However, during those three months (March, April and May) I was a disaster. I ballooned from 170 lbs to a mortifying 195 lbs. Finally in July, upon my return home from Vancouver, I started doing something about it.

I started wearing my Fit Bit again in July and tracked my food from the 14th to the 28th with no problem. When my boyfriend came home from July 28-Aug 18 I didn't track my food but I was still biking to and from work everyday and being conscious about my steps and my food. I find that when he is home I focus more on life than on weight loss. I realize I shouldn't do this but when I only have a few days with him I don't want to spend those days saying "no, I can't have a bottle of wine with you" or "sorry, thanks for making dinner but I can't eat that". That, to me, is not living. When he left again on Aug 18th I started tracking my calories again and am still wearing my Fit Bit. Unfortunately from Aug 9-18 I was extremely busy organizing a huge charity garage sale and then organizing a charity bbq so I was unable to bike to work and didn't have much time to work out.

I haven't blogged because I am embarrassed. I look at old pictures of when I thought I was fat and wish that I looked like that now. In hindsight, I shouldn't have complained then. None of my clothes fit, I just had to go buy a bigger size of jeans so I have something to wear until I lose some of this weight and can fit back into all of my clothes. I never thought I'd let myself get this huge. I am 5'1" and should never weigh this much. I am disgusted with myself. I don't want to blog, because I don't want everyone to know what a failure I have been this year. I was registered for a run in May and did not complete it. I was registered for a run in June and did not complete that either (mostly because my race package never showed up and it was in another city where you couldn't pick up a registration package on the day of).

July and August have been better months in terms of exercising. I have been running between 2-4km every few days, biking to and from work which is about 5km round trip, eating extremely healthily (except for one brownie in a mug on Monday due to a TOM craving). I have been tracking everything. Back on my Body By Vi shakes and feeling great. I have faith that this weight will come off in no time now that I have a routine again. I am turning 26 on Sept 13th and am excited to start a new year and a new "27 before 27 goal list". I registered for a 5km ElectroDash run for my birthday with my boyfriend and I am NOT backing out of that one. That will be age 26 going out with a bang.

Everything aside from weight loss is going fantastic. Boyfriend and I just celebrated one year since our first date and he bought me a diamond necklace. Mom is doing better and is almost done brain radiation. Her cancer is gone. Work is going fantastic and I have "hit my stride". Love where I am living right now. Being president of the Kinette Club is going fantastic so far and I am really confident that I will have a great year. I see lots of good things in my future career wise, relationship wise, etc. Now I just need my weight to fall back into place so I can complete that package.

There you have it.... an update blog. Hopefully many more POSITIVE blogs to follow.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Chica, don't beat yourself up... what is done is done! Life has a way of completely slamming us at times and it's hard to know right from wrong, healthy from unhealthy... eventually though, we all must make a conscious choice: allow ourselves to keep sliding downwards or dig deep, find your support and get back IN CONTROL of our life!!!

    You can do it! I know you can, you have an amazing spirit!!!!
    2154 days ago
    2158 days ago
    Glad to hear your mom is doing better! You sound like you are ready to get back on the wagon! emoticon
    2159 days ago
    Oh my goodness, I got to the bottom of your blog and saw "her cancer is gone" and honestly forgot all about how much you said you weighed. That sentence right there, that is where your heart lies and I'm so glad to hear your mom is on the mend. Please be gentle on yourself for your weight. You had MUCH more important things to occupy your mind. We go through these phases to teach us life lessons and it sounds like you're getting to a point where you can look back and learn something. Please don't be embarrassed! We ALL slip up, we ALL have those bigger pairs of jeans. And we're all still here because we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try again. I have been on spark over three years and have yet to find someone call me fat. You're not! You're a gorgeous person inside and out and only YOU have the power to be who you want to be, how you want to be it, and nobody else should take you down on that! Welcome back, we're here for you, and you CAN do it!!!!!!
    2173 days ago
    I'm happy you geathered the courage to blog. Looking up on past mistakes is difficult, mostly when we've been doing so good. It's hard to admit we can fail too. I know how it feels BUT that should never prevent us from being the awesome person we are and want to be. Your weight doesn't define you as a person nor your "failures". You are still trying and still fighting and the news you received back in March is difficult to swallow! So imagine to deal with it. You did the best you could, right? So, yes you went back up but let's focus on NOW.
    Now, you're here. Now, you're back to exercising and eating right. Now.
    Have a wonderful day & keep pushing, you're so worth all the efforts
    Isabelle ☼
    2173 days ago
  • NICOLES0305
    Stop beating yourself up! Let go of the past. Focus on the now. I read your post and I sense that you don't like some things about yourself and how you look and feel. So start focusing on loving yourself exactly the way you are RIGHT NOW. Work on focusing on everything you do like about yourself and your body instead of what you don't like. I'm finding on my own journey that LOVING YOURSELF first, in the here and now, exactly the way you are now, is so so important. So start writing those things down that you love about yourself. When you feel down, or discouraged, and need a pick me up, read that list. You are AMAZING right now. You are BEAUTIFUL right now. You will get there if you just love yourself first. :)
    2173 days ago
    The future certainly sounds bright for you. Stumbles happen, but you can pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move forward stronger than you were before. I often have to tell myself "Don't look backwards, you're not going that way!" Onwards and upwards!! Good luck. emoticon

    I wish your mother all the best in her battle.
    2173 days ago
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