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A Word from my "Other" blog

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

As I have mentioned in the past Sparkpeople.com has been a big part of my life in my attempts to lose weight and regain strength. IN the past several months it has been all I can do to drop in on the RAD team (Rheumatoid Autoimmune Disease) where I am one of the leaders...and just update them on my current status and trying to encourage those there who are struggling. It used to be a really active team with posts appearing every hour at least. Lately though...it's been dead. AS dead as my own attempts at a healthy lifestyle....And yesterday one of the members of that team wrote me an honest letter - the "tough love" approach. She said that I am feeling self pity and that if I don' t get my act together I will die. And to that statement I said something like "That would be okay with me:"

Unfortunately that statement was looked upon as though it were a suicidal threat. Which it was not. Not in any way shape or form. AFter my last suicide attempt (you will have to read it in my book....I'm not going to explain it here.) I learned that my life belongs to the Lord....he holds the calendar for my life and until he beckons me....I'm stuck here. I look forward to heaven more than anyone I know does. I cannot wait to see my beloved Lord and get into that new body. I'm READY. But I am not going to try to take my life out of God's hands. I am His.

But the issue of self pity stuck to me....I do not feel like I am pitying myself. I do what I have to do everyday with the little bit of strength I have. I am in pain. I have accepted the fact that for as long as I live, I will have daily pain....and sometimes that pain is excruciating. It's a fact. It is what it is.

I have asthma which sends me into bronchospasm merely by walking across the living room.,,,I cannot exercise. My pulmonologist told me if I exercise, I will die. I'm not making that up. it's a fact. But I can do some stretches which I did today following a Richard Simmons ancient VCR tape. So I will try to do things like that. Lifting arm weights although with two messed up elbows and two painful shoulders...that will not be easy But I promised I would try it. So that's on for tomorrow.

I do not want to be thought of as someone who has given up and who pities themselves. How do I avoid that/ Do i just stop talking about pain and how lousy I feel? Just "suck it up"?In my life, I do not talk about pain unless someone specifically asks me. I do what I can and what i have to do. I don't walk around moaning and kvetching. Maybe in my writing on this team....because I look at it as a safe environment where I will not be derided or given a hard time. It's a place where we can support each other. But maybe some people think it's a place to spread cheer and positive thinking. Maybe we are just approaching the team from different directions.

Right now I'm in bad shape. Maybe from the stretches today? It's the only thing different. I will keep plugging at it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • _LINDA
    This is a team where we all suffer. Some people choose not to write one word about it, while others will. It is whatever you choose to do. What help and support you feel you need. You my friend, need lots. You are in a bad place. Releasing it here is where you will find people who at least can understand. Some would rather focus on the positives. Should be a place for all expressions.
    I feel chair yoga would help you more than Tai Chi. I tried Tai Chi and found it very hard on the knees with the deep bends, not to mention the broad sweeping motions (hello shoulders!). In chair yoga the first part of the class is spent sitting there relaxing, breathing and stretching and moving every part of your body from the individual toes to your head. Its meant to put you in a relaxed state of mind, dumping out any garbage and just being. Its something I sorely needed, to get away from what my life is, the stress, the pain, the negative thoughts. Of course there were some movements I couldn't perform, and you just modify. The key is to focus on the breathing and feeling and let go. Usually the instructor leads you on a visualization to help. Any time you can find a way to escape from your body is a good thing.
    Keep on expressing yourself however you need!
    {{{gentle hugs}}}
    2168 days ago
    Dear Cynthia, try your best to stay healthy and take care of yourself. Don't give up on yourself. Keep trying to find ways to eat/move/stretch/breathe that are good for you.

    Here's a thought... maybe you could do tai chi. I like it a lot. It is very slow, smooth, fluid movement. E.g. tai chi walking is like walking in slow motion. It is taught at many senior centers and there are many DVDs, such as Tai Chi for Arthritis. In my class at the Y there was a woman who used a walker who would do what she could and sit down as needed. It's very good for the joints.

    I love Laurel's suggestion about finding joy where you can.
    God bless you.
    2168 days ago
    You are trying what you can. Find joy where you can. You deserve it! emoticon
    2168 days ago
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