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Saturday, October 25, 2014

In the military I was taught never to present or bring up a problem unless I also had a solution. So I'm working on solutions for my beliefs about myself.

1. My ideal weight will draw too much attention. For this I need to rationalize that I draw just as much attention being this overweight. People are going to stare and look at the fat lady, just like they would if I was skinny.

2. My ideal weight will set me free, solve all my problems. Again I need to rationalize that I had all these problems when I was at my ideal weight, so why would they go away this time? Hard work and a lot of therapy and training my mind is what is going to help me with my problems. Lots of support and love and courage.

3. I believe I don't deserve to have nice things. I've started on this. I bought myself new clothes, brightly colored clothes. I'm about to buy a new bed set, pretty deep, rich brown that I love. I bought myself some shoes yesterday. Instead of living like a monk, I need to buy what I need and not skimp on clothes, it is going to take a while for this weight to come off, there is no need for me to have frumpy clothes while I'm working on it. Take care of myself. I used to take Loooong showers and use face masks and really take care of my body, I stopped doing that when I gained the weight, time to start taking care of me again.

4. I believe my weight holds me back, that I can't do the things I want. I need to put myself out there and do it. I'm sure I'll find some things that I can't do at my weight and fitness level, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of them I'll be able to do.

5. I believe I can't do a lot of things due to my anxiety/bipolar. Again, I'll never know unless I try. I'm not going to do anything reckless like try to drive in Atlanta traffic, but maybe go to a park I dont' know or a new grocery store or something like that. I'm sure I can find someone to go with me and that will help me.

6. I believe I am unable. Take lessons, learn more on youtube. Those teaching video's that I swore I was certain I'd never understand, watch them, take notes, work along with them, I'm smarter than I think I am, I can do it!

It all sounds so easy, but I know how hard it is going to be. But I know where hiding at home gets me. It will turn me into a recluse, afraid to leave my home and that will be a huge burden on my family and I don't want that. I could easily see this happening to me. I want to get better. I know it will be a tough journey, and I can't tackle it all at once. Baby steps. Somewhere I saw a motivational picture that said "You don't have to go fast, just go". So true.

I'm not going to jump into the deep end and assume I'll learn how to swim. No, I'm going to go splash in the kiddy pool and see how I adjust to the water. Maybe go to a pumpkin patch this week. Or an apple orchard. I've got appointments I have to go to. One of them is at 8 in the morning. I have anxiety about driving in the dark. I'm sure I can do this. Surely I can.
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