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Can I tell you a secret?

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Even though I've been unable to update my status for some reason, I wanted to let you guys know that I am still here!

A lot has happened since I last posted! I got divorced. Moved in to a place of my own for the first time ever. Took a job as a care giver with an incredible lady and some amazing co-workers. Supported my family entirely on my own. Fell in love with best man for me and got engaged. Quit my job and moved half way across the world for a year. :)

Fitness wise.. I spent a little over a year in maintenance mode after my big loss. I bounced all around the 150's. When I'd get close to 160, I'd start to buckle down again to get my weight back down. Because of the demands of my work schedule and the hours I had to work, my free time was very little. I did not spend as much time in the gym as I should have or even working outside of it. I was still eating whatever I wanted within reason and then working really hard for a few weeks to stay at a place I was comfortable.

.. and then...

On the way to pick up my son from school with my client, we got hit by a drunk driver. During the day. Luckily, the only one that was hurt was me and they were able to catch him shortly after. My back was messed up for a little while. Because I couldn't afford insurance and I had to work, I could only take a few days off to rest (unpaid no less..) . My job was physically demanding to do various lifting all day and by the end of the day, I was usually just done. A few months after that my S.O moved in with us.

I am sure you can see where this is going.

I kept eating like I was eating when I was an athlete.. although I wasn't really watching my portions anymore. When my body finally felt better, I stopped taking out the time to exercise and do the things that I knew were good for me.

As a result.. the weight started coming back on. I didn't realize how much weight crept on, until one day I had to go to the doctor. When I looked down at the scale, I was shocked to see the number that registered. It was close to 200 pounds! You'd think this would have been a big wake up call for me. One to fill me with all kinds of dread. While it did. There was so much else going on, I let myself be swept up by it. Telling myself that I would re-commit and get through it.

Before our big move, we stayed with my SO's mother for about a month. Which meant that we ate out nearly every day. By this time, none of my clothes were fitting.. or if they did, they did not fit well at all. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I knew I needed to do something. I was too ashamed to come back here to spark under my original name. How could I come back? How could I admit that after losing 110 pounds, I put 65 pounds back on? How could I tell you guys that I was a failure? That I had slipped up so badly?

I lost 15 pounds before we left. I put 15 of those pounds back on once we moved here. I was thrown into a completely different world. One in which only a hand full of people spoke my language and my eating choices now were so much different.

The break for me came when I had my sister send me clothes from the states. I ordered them in the largest size before having to go to a specialty store... thinking that I'd have enough room and they'd be baggy. I was horrified when they arrived that they were all tight. I wanted to cry. I didn't cry. I decided to try to do something about it.

I decided to stop eating like I didn't care and now and again, I'd do exercise when I could.

After several months, I was 30 pounds down.. but still in a holding pattern. I had been sparking other another name.. but still didn't feel like I could come back here. What if I couldn't get back to where I was?

As of this morning, I am down nearly 40 pounds. It means I have over 20 to go still, and a long journey ahead if I want to get my fitness back. But I figured, if I am going to start reclaiming my life.. I need to be brave and reclaim all of it. Not just the good but the bad too.

Get knocked down 9 times.. get up 10. You know?

I want to go the distance.

I hope you all can forgive me and welcome me back.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    Thanks for your comment!

    So many of us have seemed to have gotten to this place for a similar reason. Being injury of some kind. Sometimes due to an accident or just plan over training. I know I was guilty of that a few years back. How do you help prepare yourself for that? To judge when you should push yourself and when you shouldn't.. even if you feel okay for the moment?

    I think a lot of us get so used to our lifestyle changes, we fall into a pattern. And when the pattern gets interrupted.. (like not being able to exercise!), it can be hard to remember that we need to change it too.

    Sounds like you also have a lot of fire and you've got it figured out!

    You can do this. I hope I get to see an awesome update from you soon!
    2283 days ago
  • no profile photo FROGNYC
    Hey, it happens to most (if not all) of us at some point. It takes guts to write the update you did and I want to congratulate you both for sharing your story and turning it around.

    I have had a similar experience (although without the good excuse of a car accident). I lost almost 40 pounds about 4 years ago and kept most of it off until about 16 months ago. Then I started having recurring injuries as I tried to train for a marathon. I spent a lot of time on the couch eating ice cream. And then I decided to switch to a vegan-ish diet and make the transition easier, said to myself I could eat whatever I wanted as long as it wasn't an animal. Hello junk food and hello 20 pounds (in the past year or so).

    I hit the reset button after Christmas, and I'm working on eating a healthy vegan diet and getting back into training.

    We'll get there ...
    2288 days ago
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