Thursday, January 29, 2015
Should our lifestyle change be thought of as self discipline? I don't want to feel like I'm punishing myself into good health? I feel like saying "discipline" is like saying ok you had your fun getting fat, time to get real and make the rest of your life work. I guess that's kind of why we go with "lifestyle change" instead of diet. So we don't feel restricted and we feel good about our choices. It is a lifestyle change. It's a new way of living. You actually live.
I never truly realized how much of my life I've spent on my butt until right now. 3 month bursts of fitness does not undo all the years spent sitting. I get a burst of desire to get fit and then after a few months I'm like 'eh, I don't have to go today.. eh I don't have to go tomorrow.. eh I can skip my walk today.. It won't affect me too much if I don't get to the gym after work.. I'm still sore from last weeks workout...' and then I stop. It's every day, to every other day, to twice a week, once a week, whenever I can.. so like once a month.. and then it stops. I gain 20lbs back and I'm sitting there shaking my head at myself. Blaming myself. My situation. I think about where I could have been had I kept up when I started a year ago.. two years ago.. three years ago.. 10 years ago.. 18 years ago.
I feel like I keep cheating myself with my desire to quit all the time. It's too hard. I'm too tired. I don't feel like it. I don't want to. I know I should, I'll do it later.. tomorrow.. tomorrow.. eventually. Bleh. All of us have the tools and ability to change ourselves. It's up to us to WANT to do it enough to work hard for it. Whether it's an attitude adjustment, to stop being scared, to lose weight, to get stronger, to be a better person.. it's all inside us. It's why they say we are the only people who can unlock our potential. I want to do that. I want to find that part of me that just goes 'AH HA!' and *click*. That I just get it and I never go back. That I'll just move forward from that point on. After watching so many tv shows and life changing stories, I thought I needed some type of complete meltdown for me to realize I needed to change. Well those have since come and gone and have only boosted me into doing it a couple months. I want to stay committed, but I'm afraid to commit myself in writing or words. Because I want the option of failing. I want the cushion of "I don't feel like it today". So as of right now I am committing. It's in writing. I'm saying it out loud as I write this:
"I commit myself to a complete lifestyle change that I can stick with from now til the end. I will stay active and eat healthy. The only person I ever let down is myself and I'm done with letting myself down. I deserve better than the way I treat myself inside and out; I AM better than I have previously been treating myself. The only thing I will allow to keep me from being active is serious injury and illness. Without those factors I have no excuses. Foul mood or not. No excuses. I will keep my chin up whether the numbers on the scale move down or not. I will keep moving forward from now until forever."
I'm changing the way I have been living, I don't need discipline, I just don't need excuses.