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Lovin' the Fattie

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

2-11-15 Diet and Such
Today’s food list:
Smoothie with some juice , assorted frozen fruit. One frozen banana, plain homemade soy yogurt, and almond milk.
Some pastries from Starbucks. UGH
Lunch …..a salad some bacon pieces and bleu cheese (Probably undid all the good in the salad)
A naval orange
Collard greens steamed with grated carrots steamed. Sauce made of cashews, balsamic vinegar and raisins. With slices of cucumber seeded and all arranged in a ww wrap. I ate two of them.

My meals are generally not the problem. I’m going to tell my daughters boyfriend that the next time he brings pastries we are sending him home WITH THE PASTRIES.

I read a bit of ETL (Eat to Live) yesterday …it quickened my weak motivation which lies flat out on the table and gave it a slight heart beat…but I think it may be comatose. OK Cyn , remind me of why it is you are doing t his.

I was mortified to be seen so fat yesterday so that people didn’t even recognize me. But the people were so lovely and gracious I didn’t mind too much. There has to be a deeper “want to” than merely the embarrassment of being seen as fat by my friends. Honestly my spark is weakening. I keep telling myself, “If this is all it is: I have clothes that fit. If I die sooner –that’s okay. With the condition of my joints…it’s not like I’m going to take up running.” I feel guilty even considering throwing in the towel. And maybe that’s as it should be. Or maybe I just need to get to the point where I accept myself and can be kind to myself…..fat or not. Maybe these are things that do not belong at the end of the road….when I ‘m skinny etc. Maybe they need to come first. I’m fat. Yes. What else is there? Wellllll. I’m fat. COME ON “Fat” is not all you are.

I have nice skin…everyone tells me that. I have pretty blue eyes. I’m intelligent. I have a sense of humor although it has been on sabbatical. I’m loving, and I return good for evil. I’m patient with everyone but myself. I have an illness and much of my limitation comes from that. Why do I want to be thin? So that I can look young again. So I can enjoy my clothes. To be attractive to my husband. That’s a biggie. But face it, just being attractive again may not resurrect this marriage.

Remember that video of that REALLY overweight young woman who had that disease that made her fat? And she DANCED unashamedly on the street and city sidewalks. And people didn’t make fun of her. Her joy was contagious. People danced with her and smiled at her smile. Could I do that? No. I couldn’t …even if my pain was gone, I don’t think I could do that. Could I do a photo shoot? I don’t know. Maybe.

Where does all this self hatred come from? For 20 years I was an anorexic and weighed 85 lbs. Did I feel any better about myself then? No. I did not. I hated myself….my life was ruled by the scale. I felt fat and unattractive even though I was very pretty (I feel like I can say that because now, looking back at the pics of me I can see how pretty I was….but I didn’t feel or enjoy an ounce of that then.) Am I going to waste my entire life hating myself? There is nothing much I can do about these meds that are making it impossible to lose weight. There is nothing I can do about how sedentary I am. But there is one thing that IS in my control. And that is : how I talk to myself. I call myself names that if I ever heard someone else call another person, I would have to smack them upside the head. So why do I allow myself to call myself those names?

I am going to undertake a project. It is a week of self-kindness. I will do things to make myself feel special and treasured. (what? I have no idea) ….I will be journaling and having some long overdue conversations with myself. I don’t want to approach “self love” just as a means of sneaking around the back door and trying to lose weight. I need…for now….for weight to be irrelevant. I need for me to really love and appreciate myself. NO matter what I weigh. Maybe if I just put all that aside and just try, as a means of loving myself, to get healthy – at least as much as is in my power. No scales. DO YOU HEAR ME???? NO SCALES!! Just research every possible means of loving and respecting yourself. And then take it from there. It may be that I can get to the point of not needing to pursue weight loss. It may be that weight naturally comes off as I am being kind to myself. There was a book I used to have by Leo Buscaglia called “Love” (I think – I could be wrong on the title.) but that might be a good book to order on Kindle.
So here goes nothing. Or here goes something….that should have happened a loooong time ago.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    i empathize with you. i look back on photos when i thought i was fat, and it shows how skewed my self view was. we can hate ourselves if we're thin, and we can hate ourselves when we're not. changing how we think about ourselves, and how we treat ourselves is the MOST important thing. from that, it becomes easier to do what is best for us. emoticon
    2047 days ago
    I think your plan of a week of self kindness is a very good one. Your challenges do not define you, but the way to approach and embrace life does. Let us know how your week of kindness goes. We want to support you.
    2048 days ago
  • _LINDA
    Finally, you have seen the light my friend. It was never about the scale. It was all about hating yourself no matter what you looked like. And being anorexic, you would not be drop dead gorgeous I am afraid, you would look like a cancer victim. I read early on in a Spark article that until you could learn to love yourself you would not be a success at weight loss or really anything much else you wanted to do. For what ever reason you were punishing yourself, hating yourself, I hope you dig deep and find the reason and can fight it. What someone else thinks of you and says to you means squat. Its what you really think that counts. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and your monkey brain needs to catch up with that. We all have self doubts and insecurities. I sure had to battle up from the lowest point of the beaten down, ignored, bullied, worthless type of the lowest class of person of my young years. It will not be easy, fighting the naysayers, the haters, the scars that have made you hate yourself. But it is possible. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can find it and escape. Be the butterfly! You can do it!! I was able to in spite of being called ugly most of my life..
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    2048 days ago
  • JUDITH316
    Cynthia, you are BEAUTIFUL inside and out, full of kindness and love, emoticon For your friendship and for the blessing you have been to me, let's keep sparking on together, cheering you on for the best week ever... emoticon
    2048 days ago
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    I can tell from reading your blogs that you are a lovely woman.

    Be kind to yourself everyday ...you deserve it.
    2048 days ago
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