Calling all Sparkers!!! Fat girl fighting depression & needing support.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Hello fellow Sparkly friends,
Once again, I have been pretty much almost completely inactive on Spark as of late.
To be completely straight up honest with you, I got bit by the depression bug BAD. Until today, I have been spending all my free time sleeping on the couch, falling asleep without brushing my teeth, and as gross as this is (and hard to admit), I went three days without taking a shower. I was in a terrible state mentally. The urge to smoke was absolutely overwhelming, but I am proud to say, that now that it is after midnight, I am at day 13 of being smoke free. The worst has passed. It has been hard, and it still is hard, but if I was going to relapse on the smoking front, I feel pretty confident I would have already done so by now.
I was so upset, because being diagnosed as bi-polar and for the first time in my life, being prescribed the right medicine, has been life changing. The last time I was in a depression funk, it was because I was missing some doses of my meds, which I need to take twice a day. Well that was 2 weeks ago, and then I made sure to buy and fill, two days of the week pill organizers, 1 for home and one for my purse, so I can take my pills in the morning at school/work, if I forget to take them before I leave (which is often). I am one of those people that always seem to oversleep, or snooze too many times, and end up rushing out the door, being good just to end up being 8 to 10 minutes later.
Anyway, like I said, I finally got back on track with my bi-polar meds, and was feeling back on track. I had every intention of writing a blog, which I have been talking about doing for weeks now), but of course I never did....and here goes the list of reasons why, and the month from hell.
I had been in a depression for 4 days, about 2 weeks ago, due to forgetting several doses of my bi-polar meds. I finally got regulated on them, and the veil of depression was lifting, and the fog was finally starting to disperse. I had to catch up on so many things I had neglected during the darkness that was engulfing me, like lean the litter box, do laundry, do the dishes that were piling up in the sink, pay my bills, spend time with my son, etc.
Well, after I got caught up on everything, and after taking all required doses of my bi-polar meds, I fell into ANOTHER state of depression. A BAD one. Worse than the one I just mentioned. I did not know why I was so depressed, since I was being very careful not to miss any doses of my bi-polar medication. Well, it turns out that I was so concerned about that, it turns out I had gone over TWO WHOLE WEEKS, without taking my thyroid medicine. I have HYPER-thyroidism, which according to the research I have done, only 1% of the population have. Most people that have thyroid issues, have HYPO-thyroidism and not HYPER-thyroidism, like I do.
The thyroid affects so many parts of the body. These are symptoms of un-medicated people who have hyper-thyroidism, which I have been exhibiting about 3/4ths of, since I went over half a month, of taking my thyroid pills.
Nervousness or irritability
Muscle weakness (in particular, the upper arms and thighs, making it difficult to lift heavy items or climb stairs)
Rapid heart rate
Irregular heartbeat (atrial fibrillation)
An intolerance for hot weather
Weight loss despite a normal or increased appetite, although some people with an overactive thyroid do gain weight due to the increase in appetite
Swelling around the eyes or within the whites of the eyes (only seen in people with Graves' disease)
A goiter, which is an enlarged thyroid that may cause the neck to look swollen.
Other symptoms can include:
Frequent bowel movements
An overactive bladder
Lighter or no menstrual flow
Erectile dysfunction (impotence)
Enlarged or tender breasts in men (gynecomastia)
Shortness of breath
Decreased ability to exercise.
Anyhoo, I had my appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. When I went to get my meds filled the CVS pharmacy said I was overdue on picking up my Levothyroxine, and did I want to go ahead and get that too while I was waiting for my other meds to get filled? I was like, "Oh crap, no wonder I have been feeling so freaking depressed"! So NOW. I am finally taking ALL pills as prescribed (both bi-polar AND thyroid pills), and I finally feel like I am coming back to my normal self again.
This has been such a rough month for me. I have been struggling so bad mentally, fighting depression (even though it was self caused by no staying on top of my meds). Couple that with hanging on to the skin of my teeth when it comes to staying off the cigs, and just about coming unglued when I saw that less than a month since my divorce papers were signed, I discovered that my ex husband was in a new relationship with some lady named Catherine who goes by the nickname Kitty (vomit), and they are all cutesy and have their facebook accounts linked. I know I should not have been trolling his FB, but I was, and when I saw he was in a relationship, it took the wind out of my sails.
Meanwhile, the two month relationship I have had in the 1.5 years I was separated from my ex husband, went south, and I was again, heartbroken by another man who almost broke my spirit, and had put my heart in a paper shredder. Well he did your typical douc*e canoe guy things, where he would go a month or 2, acting as if I did not even exist, then ask to come over for a booty call). This has happened twice since our breakup in August, and weakling that I am, as much as he hurt me and as crappy as he treated me, I was puddy in his hands and never was able to have the strength to tell him not to come over.
Well, about a month ago, he asked to come over again (which would make this the 3rd time I have seen him since August). Like a fool, I said yes, and did my 3 to 4 hour ritual of getting ready for him. I proceeded to begin the process of cleaning my house, bathing with my lilac scented bathtub body skin softening stuff, shaving (and I mean shaving EVERYTHING, sorry for the TMI), fixing my hair, fixing my makeup, putting clean sheets on the bed, putting lotion all over my body, putting on perfume and mascara, 2 things I almost never apply, and as I waited nervously and excitedly on the couch, waiting for him to show, checking the time on my phone every 5 minutes and looking out the window every time I heard an approaching car to see if it was him.....AND he never showed.
Here I was, the girl who felt so fat and worried I was going to disappoint him, but had done everything in my power to look amazing for him, and have my house look nice for him, and the as*hat did not even show up. Even worse, after the three days of unanswered hate texts I sent him, about standing me up, I started to get worried he might have gotten a DUI, (yep, he is a functioning alcoholic, I really know hows to pick 'em), or had gotten into a car accident, so I started texting him to PLEASE just text me ONE LINE to let me know he was okay. That he was not hurt. That he was alive. NO RESPONSE. After a few weeks, I texted him begging him to text me even just ONE measly WORD (to just type "okay" if he was safe, and not hurt) because I was really worried about him, which I told him. NO RESPONSE. At that point I started praying for his safety, in case something horrible had happened to him. STILL, NO RESPONSE....until.....about 12 days ago, I got a text from him saying, "You got plans tonight?"
I was OUTRAGED. I literally became unglued at this point. I could not believe that jerk face could be so cruel and heartless, that he would let me go through all that worrying and fear for him for nothing, ON PURPOSE! He knowingly, willingly, and deliberately put me through 5 to 6 weeks of concern/fear for him, for no other reason that to be cruel. I think that is probably an all time new low, from just about any man I have ever dated, and this from a man, I was once absolutely over the moon for and in love with.
I guess it was a blessing in disguise though, because it was the wake up call I needed. It forced me to take off the love goggles, and see him for the cruel, selfish, self absorbed, narcissistic, heartless man that he is. I had to face the fact that I had reached an all new low myself before this wake up call, because I had previously agreed to see him again, even after he had treated me so badly. It was very hard to face the fact that I had dropped my dignity on the floor right next to my panties (again, sorry for the TMI), whenever it came to this man. So here I am, battling depression, fighting to resist temptation from smoking, and barely making ends meet financially, (I had to pay my $88 cell phone bill, with 4 different credit cards, that is how bad it has gotten). So needless to say, I have had a very, very, very rough month.
However, I am proud to say, that for the first time ever, not only did I not answer Rob's text when he asked me if I had plans, I ignored him. That was a week ago, and then yesterday, I did something I have NEVER EVER EVER done in my life. As a desperate measure and final attempt to get over this man that I could not resist. I called AT&T, paid $36 bucks, and got my phone number changed.
I have had the same phone number for almost 5 years, so this is going to be one of the biggest pains in the arse, because I am going to have to contact both a crap ton of both personal, and professional people, to notify them about my number change. I am so very proud of myself though. After the breakup with Rob in August, I spent a full 2 months, texting him, drunk dialing him, emailing him stupid, lame, love videos from YouTube. It was DISGUSTING. I was literally THROWING myself at a man who had broken my heart and my spirit, and treated me like crap, but as humiliating as it is, I simply could NOT get over him.
I remember how proud I was when I managed to go a whole month without sending Rob a single unsolicited text. At 32 days of zero contact from me, I was contacted by HIM. I think his ego needed to be stroked. I think it bugged him that I was finally getting over him and moving on with my life. Narcissist that he is, missed all the attention I was slathering him with, even though I knew in my heart, he was not really missing me. It was one thing to finally have enough self discipline and control to not initiate contact with him, but I was not strong enough to resist him, when he would contact me.
I guess, since we are all on a weight loss journey, you will understand this analogy. My situation with Rob, after the breakup, was kind of like us having enough self control to not BUY our unhealthy food of choice, but if it is IN our fridge or pantry, it becomes sooooo much more difficult to not cave in and end up eating that food. Does that make sense?
The one thing I know 1000%, is that now that I have changed my number, I will be Rob free for life, because he would never email me, and he would never do an unannounced drive by (he lives almost 1.5 hours away), so he will never again be able to initiate contact with me. Not to mention I will not undo something like changing my number, which is going to result in me spending weeks giving everyone my new number, and probably cost me a ton of sub jobs, because I have given every teacher I have ever subbed for, my phone number so they could call me if they ever needs a sub. I am talking too many teachers to even count, so a lot of them I won't be able to contact, because I have forgotten their names.
After going through such great lengths just to get over a guy who took me for granted, did not deserve me, made me cry, and treated me like dog poo, it will NOT be all for naught. I will never initiate contact with Rob again, (which for the last couple of months I was doing a fairly decent job of), and I will never again have to worry about having the strength to ignore his infrequent, out of the blue advances, which I have never been able to do with the exception of this last time he texted me.
So ladies and gents, getting my phone number was like the equivalent of me not buying a cheesecake or a box of Crispy Creme glazed donuts, because if I did, I would eat the entire box of donuts in a 24 hour period, and I would eat an entire cheesecake in 48 to 72 hours. So, as you can see, even with everything I have been going through....financial insecurity, depression, smoking withdrawal, and the pain of knowing my ex boyfriend was so cruel that he let me go over a month worrying he was injured, dead, or in jail.
Not to mention, learning about my ex husband's relationship (which of course, he had every right to do so, after all we have been legally divorced since Dec. 3rd, been separated since August of 2013, and I had the relationship with Rob, despise hypocrisy), but it hurt like hell seeing how he had moved on, fallen for another woman, and was in a monogamous relationship with someone that apparently saw something in someone else that he did not see in me, while I sat here feeling fat, lonely, unlovable, and pathetic at 42 years of age, trying not to think of the beautiful engagement ring tucked away in my underwear drawer, that I had to wait until I was 41 years old to finally get, only to get to wear for 7 weeks (since we got married 5 weeks after the engagement, and he asked for a divorce 2 weeks after the honeymoon).
I have rarely had so much on my plate at one time (except for the last time I went to an all you can eat buffet bar.....bahahaha, a little weight loss humor there), so I hope you understand why I have been so inactive. I am proud of the fact that through it all, I managed to get my meds worked out, watched what I ate so I could still lose weight during the BLC challenge (even though I have not been tracking my food or exercising), gone 13 days without even a puff of a cigarette, and changed the phone number I had for almost half a decade, to ween myself off a man that I was almost as addicted to as cigarettes.
Although I've been crying for the majority of this ridiculously long post that has taken me almost 4 hours to write, (which most of you will probably not even read on account of how long it is), and have been feeling more than a bit sorry for myself, due to the fact that I am currently jobless, friendless, single, broke, and back in the obese category at 218 lbs, I still have managed to have enough self worth, self love, and self esteem to do what I needed to do to take care of me, both physically (losing weight), mentally (getting regulated on my meds), and emotionally (changing my phone number so I can't let an ex-boyfriend hurt me anymore). I think that exhibits a lot of strength for someone who has had the kind of month I have had.
So again, forgive me for being MIA. Not replying to posts on my wall, or thanking frineds for the goodies and kind notes they have sent my way. It was not done out of laziness or thoughtlessness. I need you guys more than ever, and hope you will not bail on me for my inactivity and unresponsiveness to your previous kindness when I first expressed some of the difficult thing I was experienceing in my life. I have felt like I was drowning for quite some time, barely keeping my head above water, and you guys are kind of like my life jacket, helping to keep me from going completely under water. I don't mean I am suicidal or anything like that. I have never been that bad. I simply mean anyone who has ever struggled with severe depression, experienced the pain of divorce, and is filled with fear and anxiety of losing a house, when you are a single mom, with an 11 year old child, who is completely dependent on you.
I hope you can understand how easy it is to let the wave of darkness engulf me, and that I am constantly battling being immersed in ookie feelings of self loathing, worthlessness, loneliness, broken hearted, broken spirited, feeling fat, feeling ugly, feeling like a failure, while having lost my sense of dignity and all of my self confidence.
I am grateful for my health, my child, my home, my cat, my education, my family, being able to substitute teach, finding the right psychiatrist, and getting on the right meds. I have enough of an attitude of gratitutde to thank God for all he has given me, as I know there are hundreds of thousands of people who do not have all that I have been blessed with. However, despite all of that, I never thought at the age of 42, I would be broke, single, fat, jobless, and friendless.
Therefore, although I have not met y'all in real life and most likely never will, other than my one friend and best friend who lives miles away, you the only friends that I have. I lost all of you once before (my own undoing because I left spark), and the result was a 60 lb weight gain after a 100 lb weight loss, so it is crucial that you guys forgive me, please don't shut me out, and don't give up on me. I need you guys more than ever. I am trying so hard to pull myself up by my big girl panties, and do what I need to do to get back to being my best.
If you made it all the way thorugh this blog, I sincerely thank you for reading. I am very proud of myself though, that I am still maintaining a total weight loss of 9.6 lbs since BLC 27 started, WHILE I have gone 13 days without smoking. To lose weight and quit smoking at the same time is quite a feat, if I do say so myself.
Love, hugs, and blessings to you all.