Week TWO: Stop Going in Circles
Friday, February 27, 2015
I'll tell y'all right now. This has been a ROUGH week! Last week I shared a short summary of stats, but this week I'm sharing from the heart. It's been a tumultuous ride.
I wasn't able to track daily and a couple times I shot over my calorie limit. I felt emotional at times, which sometimes caused me to choose higher calorie choices. But I managed to get in some exercise (even in freezing temps) and I lost a pound since my last weigh-in (5.8lb since rejoining).
But in a way, this has also been a great week. Some of my negative behavior patterns have come to the surface. Things I need to deal with that have held me back a long time. This just isn't about weight. It's about fear which causes me to run in circles instead of moving on to better things. Avoiding good things --- like relationships and opportunities to network and advance my art career. Or finally working on some of those dreams and projects I say I'll get around to SOMEDAY.
Things came to a head yesterday emotionally. My husband was frustrated, as he is also affected by my behaviors and choices (and vice versa). He's tired of these cycles where nothing changes. It's true in marriage that you tend to fight about the same things over and over again.
This has been building up for a few days now...well actually much further back if you consider how often we go around the same merry-go-round. The past few years I've avoided a lot of responsibility, including contributing to the household financially. What money I do make is sporadic...we can't really count on it. Shannan's pulled the full weight for a long time.
For the most part, he's been supportive of my choice to stay home and even encouraged it. The past few years I've dealt with chronic health issues, full-time caregiving for my mom, etc. But my mom passed away two years ago this March, and in this time I have allowed fear to keep me from flourishing or leading a full life. I've had a few successes, but for the most part I've been in retreat mode.
I am an artist. That is what I was born to do.
Having said that, I still have long stretches where little is being produced, mostly due to depression or allowing myself to get sidetracked. I know this is common among artists. We don't churn out artwork like robots, and there are sometimes dry times. But that doesn't change who we are at the core.
Being an artist sometimes means that you don't have a stable income. My husband understand this and supports me. What upsets him the most is when I shove my talent to the sidelines or allow fear to have such a foothold that I'm even too fearful to produce (a creative block of my own making). I lack the faith sometimes to even believe I can make a full-time living at art...yet all the while knowing that I possess the talent and skills to do so.
Maybe you wrestle with something similar in your life. You may not be an artist, but you feel like you're not tapping into your full potential. It remains unlocked or inaccessible because of stuff you're dealing with.
I feel like as I start this month as I started to care about my health again, some of these buried issues are coming to the surface. I'm burning accumulated fat cells, but I'm also burning away old mindsets and negative patterns. These things do not represent my authentic self.
My husband knows who I am. 15+ years of marriage and you learn a thing or two about a person. You learn how they deal with pain and frustration. You learn their little tricks for getting their own way. You know their weaknesses as well their strengths.
He saw my patterns, and he knows that this isn't helping either of us for me to continue in the same destructive cycle. (By the same token, I can help him work through his own baggage, too).
I cried on my pillow, took a shower and cried some more. I cried out to God in the shower, my tears mixing with the streams of water. My head pressed against the corner of the shower walls. I felt like I reached the end of something, that I couldn't go any further until I let this stuff go.
I heard a scripture in my head as I prayed:
Deuteronomy 2:3a "You have gone around the mountain long enough!..."
This was God speaking to Moses and the Israelites wandering in the wilderness. He was preparing to give them fresh, new direction. Another version say "you've been going around circles in the hill country long enough."
I know in my heart that 2015 is a year of change. I'm only beginning to see what that change looks like. My husband and I will be moving sometime soon, but the timing isn't right yet. And of course, I'm moving forward in this weight loss journey, too. Some of this extra baggage just isn't going to cut it for the next phase of the journey. I need to let it fall away in the desert and start advancing in the land.