Here I am
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
It's 2015. The last blog I wrote was in August 2014 and it all went downhill from there. I read that blog now and wish we could go back in time to that moment. But here we are, and here I am.
November 21, 2014. My mom went back into the hospital because she kept falling and couldn't feel her legs. The doctor says it is nerve damage from the radiation.
November 28, 2014. I receive a phone call from my sister (who has now flown home to Vancouver from Ontario) who says that the doctor just told my mom she has 1-2 months to live. I phone my boss immediately and tell him I am taking a leave of absence.
December 1, 2014. I get on a plane to Vancouver and take a one way flight home to be with my mom.
December 9, 2014. My oma dies. I attend the funeral and go straight to the hospital to be with my mom afterwards.
My sister and I spent two months with my mom, in and out of the hospital, watching my mom fight a losing battle with cancer. It spread from her lungs to her spine, her sternum, her shoulder, her bones, her throat and her brain. Over those two months we had some amazing laughs, took some wonderful pictures, and cried harder than ever before. I got to know my mom better in those two months than I had my entire life.
January 6, 2015. My boyfriend came to Vancouver to be with me for support after I realized that I couldn't be strong anymore.
January 30th, 2015. My mom passed away. And the grief, the depression, the anger, the sadness, the hurt and the pain begin.
February 7, we have the celebration of life. We released balloons into the air and it felt like a final goodbye. After two months of running on adrenaline, I am exhausted. Not just exhausted in the way I've used that word before, but so mentally and physically drained that I do not know how to move forward from here.
February 14, mom's first birthday in heaven. Happy Valentines day, I want nothing to do with it.
I moved in with my boyfriend as soon as we got home. I am not sure how to return to my normal life. I am taking a short term disability leave from work because working in bankruptcy, my job is depressing and I cannot bear to return. I can't even get out of bed in the morning, yet I cannot fall asleep at night.
February 25, 2015. We have to put our dog down. After finding out that she was severely aenemic and unable to produce her own blood, we had taken her to Calgary to do a blood transfusion. The blood tranfusion was the first step, the next step was surgery which we chose not to do. She was supposed to be with us for 2-3 weeks before we could do another tranfusion. After a week of watching her energy levels drop, her gums turn back to white, and her appetite deminish, we decided that it was her time.
And here I am now. I look at myself and I don't recognize myself. I've gained so much weight that I hate what I see in the mirror. I am struggling to fight this depression that keeps creeping on. I am sabotaging my relationship with petty fights over nothing, just pushing him away. I need to make a change. I never thought I would be 200 lbs. But here I am at 208, after a year of hell, starting again. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but I look back at my "BEFORE" pictures and realize that they are "before I got fat" pictures. I can't live like this anymore. I have never lost anyone close to me, so I had no idea what to expect when grieving. It's worse than I ever imagined.
I received a new fitbit in the mail today because my old one was defective. I bought a day planner to track my food because I know that I am not ready to commit to logging it online every day. Small changes, one step at a time. At least writing down what I am eating will help me be more aware and make changes. I tried to go to the gym for two weeks when I first got home and it was too much for me, but I am going to start slowly and get moving. I know that exercise is a natural anti depressant, so I need to start running again. Fruits and veggies will boost my mood too, so I need to start eating more of those instead of chips, wine and mini eggs. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.