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Here I am

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

It's 2015. The last blog I wrote was in August 2014 and it all went downhill from there. I read that blog now and wish we could go back in time to that moment. But here we are, and here I am.

November 21, 2014. My mom went back into the hospital because she kept falling and couldn't feel her legs. The doctor says it is nerve damage from the radiation.

November 28, 2014. I receive a phone call from my sister (who has now flown home to Vancouver from Ontario) who says that the doctor just told my mom she has 1-2 months to live. I phone my boss immediately and tell him I am taking a leave of absence.

December 1, 2014. I get on a plane to Vancouver and take a one way flight home to be with my mom.

December 9, 2014. My oma dies. I attend the funeral and go straight to the hospital to be with my mom afterwards.

My sister and I spent two months with my mom, in and out of the hospital, watching my mom fight a losing battle with cancer. It spread from her lungs to her spine, her sternum, her shoulder, her bones, her throat and her brain. Over those two months we had some amazing laughs, took some wonderful pictures, and cried harder than ever before. I got to know my mom better in those two months than I had my entire life.

January 6, 2015. My boyfriend came to Vancouver to be with me for support after I realized that I couldn't be strong anymore.

January 30th, 2015. My mom passed away. And the grief, the depression, the anger, the sadness, the hurt and the pain begin.

February 7, we have the celebration of life. We released balloons into the air and it felt like a final goodbye. After two months of running on adrenaline, I am exhausted. Not just exhausted in the way I've used that word before, but so mentally and physically drained that I do not know how to move forward from here.

February 14, mom's first birthday in heaven. Happy Valentines day, I want nothing to do with it.

I moved in with my boyfriend as soon as we got home. I am not sure how to return to my normal life. I am taking a short term disability leave from work because working in bankruptcy, my job is depressing and I cannot bear to return. I can't even get out of bed in the morning, yet I cannot fall asleep at night.

February 25, 2015. We have to put our dog down. After finding out that she was severely aenemic and unable to produce her own blood, we had taken her to Calgary to do a blood transfusion. The blood tranfusion was the first step, the next step was surgery which we chose not to do. She was supposed to be with us for 2-3 weeks before we could do another tranfusion. After a week of watching her energy levels drop, her gums turn back to white, and her appetite deminish, we decided that it was her time.

And here I am now. I look at myself and I don't recognize myself. I've gained so much weight that I hate what I see in the mirror. I am struggling to fight this depression that keeps creeping on. I am sabotaging my relationship with petty fights over nothing, just pushing him away. I need to make a change. I never thought I would be 200 lbs. But here I am at 208, after a year of hell, starting again. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but I look back at my "BEFORE" pictures and realize that they are "before I got fat" pictures. I can't live like this anymore. I have never lost anyone close to me, so I had no idea what to expect when grieving. It's worse than I ever imagined.

I received a new fitbit in the mail today because my old one was defective. I bought a day planner to track my food because I know that I am not ready to commit to logging it online every day. Small changes, one step at a time. At least writing down what I am eating will help me be more aware and make changes. I tried to go to the gym for two weeks when I first got home and it was too much for me, but I am going to start slowly and get moving. I know that exercise is a natural anti depressant, so I need to start running again. Fruits and veggies will boost my mood too, so I need to start eating more of those instead of chips, wine and mini eggs. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm really really sorry to hear about what you are going through. Your pain reminds me so much of a really good friend of mine (in fact I shared your blog with her). She lost her mom a couple of years ago to Pancreatic cancer (mom died in a matter of months from the diagnosis). My friend also happened to be pregnant at the time, and had her baby one week before her mother died. She still deals with the pain and sorrow that comes from such a loss, and still gets angry that her mom was taken away too soon.

    Death is not an easy thing for anyone and it is hard for anyone to know exactly what you are going through. I'm not sure of what you believe in, but I will definitely say some prayers for you. No one should ever go through something like this alone and I hope you have a strong support system.

    You have the right idea though...all you can do is take it one day at a time.
    1939 days ago
    1955 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12765175
    Again, thanks for sharing. I can 100% relate to everything regarding the death of a parent as all of this just was word for word my experience when my dad passed away & it actually brought me to tears as I felt like I was reliving it through you.
    I can also relate to the sick pet as my cat was my only buddy through my tough time & I had to put him down shortly after due to illness on top of it I was going through a longterm relationship breakup (good timing, life). I went into a downward spiral of depression, anxiety and was really reckless.
    I'd be lying if I told you that the emotions attached to losing a parent gets easier, I still burst into tears sporadically 6 years later but you just have to know that your mom would want to see you rise above it & be happy and thats the exact thought I that got me through it all.
    It really is one step at a time & sometimes it does feel like there will never be light at the end but do this for you.
    Your man sounds like a great guy & I really wish I had someone like that when I was going through it all. I met my boyfriend 2 years after yet he still has helped me through the remnants (I experienced PTSD). Just know that your man gets that you're not just crazy, but you had to deal with alot all at once & you are strong beyond belief.
    I'm not a religious person but I truly believe that you are only dealt things you are strong enough to deal with.
    Don't be ashamed to try therapy (Canada is amazing cause its covered!!),it helped me SO much get beyond what I was feeling.I also wish I had found yoga/meditation sooner but I cannot praise it more for making me get to where I am now emotionally/mentally.

    You are amazing & you have this, One day at a time.if you ever need to chat, don't hesitate.
    1958 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/25/2015 9:57:20 PM
    Vanessa - Like many others, this blog really brought me to tears. I am so sorry to hear of all of the things that you have went through since your last blog. I wish I could say some magic words to help the pain disappear but I know that I can't. I am happy to see you back on Spark and blogging about all of your feelings. That is a huge step in the grieving process. Please know that if there is ever anything I can do to let me know. You have my full support and I'm sending you many hugs! emoticon
    1959 days ago
    Girl, I had no idea you were going through all of that since the last time we heard from you. I am so, so, so, so very sorry! I can feel the hurt and brokenness in your words and I am sure that right now it seems like life will never get back to any kind of "normal". It sounds like your guy is a true gem!

    I am glad that you are starting to get some workouts going. I hear those help with healing. But it is one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

    Please know I am here for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1959 days ago
    Oh my goodness hon, I started crying reading this. I am so so so so sorry. They say taking care of yourself goes a long way in the healing process and any small steps you are taking to be gentle and help yourself will start to add up. I wish I could give you a big gigantic hug and please do not feel guilty for your absence, you had to focus outside yourself for a while. Stay strong and we're all here for you, gigantic hugs!
    1959 days ago
  • BUTTERFLY-1976
    omg..you've been through sooo much! emoticon

    1959 days ago
    I am in tears at my desk as I read this... OMG!
    I want to be there for you! I can ONLY imagine the heartache and utter disorientation to life that you must be experiencing right now! (I have only ever felt that way when I was dealing with a cheating husband... but none the less it felt like a terminal loss in mmy mind, and I was also fighting the same depression you are experiencing now... it was a battle to not let myself slip too far into it! You might find it important and pivotal to go see a counsellor during this time! It could change the outcome of the next year for you!!!!!

    Put on an audio book (or a couple of Ted Talks) and go for a walk! (Don't stress about running, you might just do more damage to your poor knees then they need right now! Walking is amazing cardio and you can reconnect with nature while listening to something other then your own thoughts, which right now are not in the best place!)

    Girl, it DOES get better... but right now, it's going to hurt... and hurt a lot!!! Let yourself deal with the hurt when it overflows, but be concious about all the other aspects of your life that need your attention too!!!

    I just read the book, "Wild" in which she too watches her mother die of cancer... and like you, she too spirals out of control deeply into depression until she finally gets some guts and just decided to THRUST herself into life again!!! You can and WILL get there too... but be patient with yourself, life doesn't have to be a marathon!

    If you ever want to talk, I am totally open to chatting!!!! emoticon
    1959 days ago
    Welcome back!
    1959 days ago
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