Inside my head at the gym
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Oh no that steroid-sucking cretin did NOT just take my parking spot! The nerve of these people; they're twelve years old, for God's sake, and they can't walk across a parking lot to go to the gym?
I can't believe I have to walk across the parking lot AGAIN!
So, OK. I'm here. What do I do... hmmm... there's my old buddy the treadmill. I could knock off a half hour on that. But if I set the incline any higher, I'll need ropes and pitons, and my knees won't let me run yet, and I'm not making it out of fat-burning range into cardio, dammit. There's gotta be something wrong with the sensors. My heart was racing like a jackrabbit's just a few months ago, and that was with the treadmill set flat! Do you suppose I broke it? Nahhh... I couldn't have broken all of them. Could I?? Good thing that old geezer of a janitor thinks I'm cute, I guess. He won't rat me out. I hope.
I'd probably better hit the elliptical, then. Oh gawd.... I hate that thing! I'll bet they have ellipticals in the interrogation rooms at Guantanamo! That's why that place is offshore. Those damned machines are a violation of the Geneva Convention, I just know they are. Crap! Here we go! Yep, it's been five seconds. We're definitely in cardio. How in H3LL am I going to be able to keep this up for twenty more minutes?
WHOA!!! What is THAT on the machine in front of me? And where are my dollar bills? Oh lord, that's nice! And he's sweating, too. Be still, my heart! No, seriously, I've got to stay in range! I wonder how old he is? Thirty? Twenty? Do you suppose he'd know I'm sixty? Crap, he'd probably call me ma'am, and I'd have to drown my sorrows in fitness water. What a racket THAT is, by the way! I should have thought of that one. They don't pay me enough. Seriously. Whoaaaaa.... he's speeding up! Work it, baby! Give this old broad something to live for! Damn, that's pretty! I could keep this up all day. I could... hold it. Thirty minutes? Are you kidding?? I just did thirty minutes?
I suppose I'd better hit the machines, then! Adios, studmuffin! Thanks for the memories! Mama's got some muscles to rip now. Like I haven't ripped enough already. The MTs at the massage place are all telling me I have the tightest traps they've ever worked on. I need a massage! I want my traps loosened. My traps hurt! Hold it, lemme jimmy the weight up a little bit here... can't believe the last person on this machine was a DUDE, for God's sake! What a wuss! He ought to slip the pin a little farther down when he's done, just to fake people out and save himself some embarrassment... nine... ten... eleven... omigodomigodomigod TWELVE! Seventeen machines to go. I don't wanna! Yes I do. No I don't. Yes I DO. No one stands between a hot flashing Italian girl and what she doesn't want! Not even me. Do it, woman!
Oh God. Where did THAT muscle come from? I didn't know I had a muscle there! I'm sweating. My grandmother told me ladies weren't supposed to sweat. Ladies glow, she said. I am glowing like a freaking PIG. How come I don't look like studmuffin does when I glow? That doesn't seem fair! I'd better wipe this machine down, it looks like I wet myself. I hope I didn't wet myself. Nahhh, I would have noticed that.... wouldn't I? I just finished thirty-two ounces of water. I guess I might've. That stuff has got to go somewhere. Oh wait... I'm glowing. Right.
WHOAAA.... girlie, that big old rhinestone you've got in your navel is going to tear when you do the recumbent leg curls, you know that, right? God, a person could put an eye out with one of those! And what was your mama thinking, letting you out of the house in a get up like that? No wonder this place smells like testosterone! Man, I can't wait to lose enough weight to be able to wear spandex two piece workout clothes! I've got some ma'am for ya, right here!
Oh no that old fool is NOT wearing a toupee! I'd pay my dues twice to see it slide off... nine... ten... eleven... oh oh oh oh twelve, this thing is a BEAST!
Wha.....? I've done the whole circuit already?? Yow! I suppose I should put in ten minutes on the bike before I go home. Get the heart pumping again. What a freaking bore! Might as well see what's on the gruntovision, then. Nice touch, putting those TVs on the equipment. Wish I'd thought of that. I might even be making some real money, then. They don't pay me enough.
WHOAAAA.... a vampire movie! Cooooooool! And he's hot, too! Oh yeah, this'll work! Those ten minutes will go by in no time! I'll bet anything that vamp works out. Too bad it isn't here! Of course, he'd probably call me ma'am too, and I'd have to stake him.
Hold it. Losing track here. Thirty-five minutes?? No way! I couldn't have done over an hour of cardio today! I guess I'd better go home, then. Bummer.
Now, where was it that I parked my car???