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Where is my Spark?

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Yes, here I am once more: in the hospital struggling to breath. I have severe asthma and have been admitted once more for at least a week of IV steroids (Solule Medrol). This drug causes me intense hunger and can usually be counted on for at least a twenty pound weight gain. I want to cry. Honestly this struggle with my health and with my weight make me want to give up. I know if I quit the battle, it won't be long until I'm in the 300's or more. For the past year my health has made it really impossible to do much in the way of exercise. And my severe fatigue has made cooking impossible as well.

So here I am in a darkened hospital room at 3:22 feeling like my world is ending. Then I think back to January of 2010 when Ii was in this same hospital, fatter and weaker than I'd ever been. And I began to read the website we all know so well: SparkPeople .com. I asked a friend to bring me oak tag and some glue and a bunch of health magazines. There in my hospital room I cut out numerous inspiring photos and phrases and designed and created my first (of two) collages of inspiration. I could not even walk across the room but something was lit in me. A Spark. I was determined to do this. On the day of my discharged I spoke to my pulmonologist/GP and I asked him :"Dr D. what kind of exercise can I do?" He answered quickly. "NONE.. Your body cannot tolerate any exercise, you lungs will stop functioning and you will die." I was deflated but still hopeful. "What about walking? Can I walk?" He smiled at me. "I think if you take it slowly, you could walk. Walking just might save your life." so that is what I did. Each day I went just a little bit farther than the day before. It is true that my body is in worse shape than it was back then. But really---can I not go a little further each day? If I'm too embarassed to trot this chuncky, overewight body around my neighborhood, maybe I can go up and down my basement stairs? I know that it will take some time before I can manage that. Maybe some simple strengthening work. Stuff that does not strain my lungs but which will help me to walk. Squats. bridges. Some chair exercises. I think the area that most needs work is my hope. My spark. And that can be worked on no matter what your surroundings or health.

It is true that right now I want to quit. I've worked so hard for so long just to end up worse than where I've started. My friends--you have kept me going. You have inspired me and made me smile. Your prayers have been immensely helpful. Together, we can do this. Some of us slower and more painfully than others....but there MUST be a way. I am determined to make it...to find it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry to see you have been hospitalized. Your blog started off with being discouraged. At the end you seem more hopeful. I left this sight for a year or so. I came back with a different attitude. We need to remain optimistic. We need to give it all to God. He is in control of our lives and we must remember "with God all things are possible." I will be keeping you as well as your doctors and nurses in my prayers.
    Please take care and hurry and get well.
    1916 days ago
  • _LINDA
    Oh no :-((( So very sorry to hear you are in the hospital again :-(( So discouraging :-(( I am almost beginning to wonder if holistic healing would help you since modern medicine can't seem to help.
    Stairs are out of the question, too hard on the lungs (they are really challenging) and you are too frail to safely hold on if you lost your balance. One small step at a time, just like before. You have seen this road before and have taken the challenge. You are not a quitter for sure. I feel your frustration and despair and know what its like, eternally starting over and over. But that is all we can do. We have to do the best we can for our failing bodies as we don't want to contemplate the alternative..
    Sending healing, soothing thoughts and prayers.
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    1921 days ago
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    Oh my dear Cynthia, I'm thinking of you so much. You need to just let them take care of you and make you feel the best that they can. Love and hugs to you, Karen emoticon
    1921 days ago
    So sorry you are so distressed. I'm not hearing "quitting" by the time I got to the end of your blog, I hear determination. Praying that you will feel better, and find your way. --Pam
    1921 days ago
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    1921 days ago
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    1921 days ago
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