Where is my Spark?
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Yes, here I am once more: in the hospital struggling to breath. I have severe asthma and have been admitted once more for at least a week of IV steroids (Solule Medrol). This drug causes me intense hunger and can usually be counted on for at least a twenty pound weight gain. I want to cry. Honestly this struggle with my health and with my weight make me want to give up. I know if I quit the battle, it won't be long until I'm in the 300's or more. For the past year my health has made it really impossible to do much in the way of exercise. And my severe fatigue has made cooking impossible as well.
So here I am in a darkened hospital room at 3:22 feeling like my world is ending. Then I think back to January of 2010 when Ii was in this same hospital, fatter and weaker than I'd ever been. And I began to read the website we all know so well: SparkPeople .com. I asked a friend to bring me oak tag and some glue and a bunch of health magazines. There in my hospital room I cut out numerous inspiring photos and phrases and designed and created my first (of two) collages of inspiration. I could not even walk across the room but something was lit in me. A Spark. I was determined to do this. On the day of my discharged I spoke to my pulmonologist/GP and I asked him :"Dr D. what kind of exercise can I do?" He answered quickly. "NONE.. Your body cannot tolerate any exercise, you lungs will stop functioning and you will die." I was deflated but still hopeful. "What about walking? Can I walk?" He smiled at me. "I think if you take it slowly, you could walk. Walking just might save your life." so that is what I did. Each day I went just a little bit farther than the day before. It is true that my body is in worse shape than it was back then. But really---can I not go a little further each day? If I'm too embarassed to trot this chuncky, overewight body around my neighborhood, maybe I can go up and down my basement stairs? I know that it will take some time before I can manage that. Maybe some simple strengthening work. Stuff that does not strain my lungs but which will help me to walk. Squats. bridges. Some chair exercises. I think the area that most needs work is my hope. My spark. And that can be worked on no matter what your surroundings or health.
It is true that right now I want to quit. I've worked so hard for so long just to end up worse than where I've started. My friends--you have kept me going. You have inspired me and made me smile. Your prayers have been immensely helpful. Together, we can do this. Some of us slower and more painfully than others....but there MUST be a way. I am determined to make it...to find it.