Update o' Rama: Well! I am back in the US again! We've been back since April and while I was pretty good when we first moved back, I have managed to put back on nearly 30 pounds since
I feel like John Cusack in High Fidelity, when he screams "When is this cycle going to end?!"
The answer is, it ends when I want it to end. It ends when I stop treating this like I am a tourist in someone else's life and get serious about my own. Actions have consequences.
I got married
last weekend, and while I am pretty happy about it, I definitely allowed my stress to influence my eating habits. The sick part is, I know better. I am aware that it doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse.. and yet, there I was. Mindlessly over eating, with a glazed look over my eyes as if I were not really present. Allowing myself to sink down further into the hole that I've been steadily digging these past months.
What's worse, is until this past weekend I didn't even realize that I had been DIGGING myself a hole. That little moment of clarity came in one of my "ah ha" moments. When I noticed I was avoiding cameras like the plague.. on my wedding day. When I looked in the mirror after trying on the first pair of shorts in three years and seeing my legs being covered in cellulite. When my best friend was going in for WLS, and I realized that unless I could change, she'd be going on her journey without my fullest support.
I've been beyond sad these past few days, nearly depressed, once I realized what I was doing. To realize that yes, that was a hole that I was digging. Before I can do anything else, I need to stop digging.
I started to take an honest look at myself and didn't like what I saw.
I had put off running as my exercise for so long, because I couldn't find an indoor track. I told myself that I couldn't run outside, because it was 90+ degrees. Bull. I had first started this journey at over 275, running in this SAME heat. It can be done. I've done it and I know what I need to do it safely.
So, it's not the most comfortable thing to do in the world. So what? It's a little heat. With proper hydration and good timing, it's not an obstacle. Stopping myself from doing what I love because it's not as comfortable as I want it to be, is what is making this hole even bigger. It's an excuse.
So.. I pulled my running shoes out of the closet for the first time since we left China. I started Day 1 of the couch 2 5k, in the hopes that my best friend and I will be able to run a 5k together when she's recovered. And in hopes of getting back that athlete inside of me that I was three years ago. And I decided to put my weight down here. Not as a dirty secret I hoped to be able to brush over, but in honesty of this journey ahead. We start where we start.