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Emotional Health

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

It is my emotional pain and suffering that have brought me every tiny step of the way to admit defeat and throw in the towel and thus become willing to admit that I am powerless over myself, people, places and things and giving myself to a Power Greater than myself.

Others may find the One that many call God more easily. I grew up in a cult like environment. Guilt and Fear were what motivated me from as far back as I can remember. I became what appeared to be a loving and kind person, a servant of God. It was only when I became honest enough and willing to look at my true buried motives, I discovered the source of what really motivated me. Fear of hellfire and damnation and eternal torment, were my true motivators. It is only since looking up the definition of a cult in more than one dictionary with an open mind that I actually came to understand what the word really means and the source of my toxic shame and fear.

The good news for me is that once my pain became great enough, I did become willing to use the steps of recovery in the amazing 12 step programmes to which I belong. I have several addictions and mental/emotional conditions. I now have a Higher Power of love, compassion, mercy and forgivness who seems more than willing and very able to help me in every situation in which I ask for help.

Looking back I would not change a single thing in my life. The pain, although impossible to realise, or understand at the time, has become the biggest blessing in my life. Without all I have gone through I would never have reached a place of being willing not only to admit, but know deep down in my heart that of myself I am powerless over my physical and emotional obsessions of thought, action and feeling.

I now realise that without admitting personal defeat I could not even have started the journey to recovery with the first physical addiction I became aware of. My Higher Power was there to meet me when I was ready to quit drinking. Wherever there has been the slightest chink in my armour, that One has offered me the way out of my pain. Just admitting my powerlessness and doing what was asked, was enough to keep me sober one day at a time.

My personal fear and hate for what I knew of God prevented me from ever thinking of Him as a being to love and trust. And yet even so, my Higher Power took me gently by the hand and led me, or rather allowed me, to show the only way I could be reached. To this day I am so grateful that in 12 step programmes there are no Musts, only suggestions and that the whole programmes are based on a Higher Power, a God of one's own understanding.
That was the miracle that allowed me to stay. No one was telling me their God was the only right God, no one was telling me I would go to eternal Hellfire and Damnation if I did not believe in the same way they did. I found true love and compassion and understanding for the suffering person I was.

Through this experience I was finally able to find a Higher Power of my own understanding who has never failed me for an instant and is always there when I am desperate enough to ask for help. Because I have many addictions it has been a slow process in my life but my Higher Power has led me every step of the way. Hindsight is a great thing. I had no idea when I was going through so many years of mental and emotional anguish that I would ever find what I have been looking for all my life.

Things really began to change for me shortly after I learned about a thing called Toxic Shame. I checked it out and as I discovered, it was the core of my personal pain, depression and 'feeling of strangeness' as far back as I can remember. That allowed me to see clearly that it was nothing I had done that caused me everything I have been through. I came to see through hearing another member share at a meeting about themselves, that the problem for me was that I was emotionally stuck in childhood. My emotional growth had been arrested quite literally since birth. Due to circumstances beyond any human control, I had never grown up emotionally. Just like a physical body that might have physical defects, nothing to do with being good or bad at all, just the way that things were. This emotional journey from child to adulthood which started when I got sober has begun to blossom in my seventies. I am actually growing up emotionally. Total powerlessness to change anything of myself and throwing myself into the loving arms of my Higher Power is finally what seems to be working when nothing else did.

I tried every avenue in all my physical obsessions and addictions, and in each one of those it was only when I realised that I was beyond human aid and finally had to admit defeat that my Higher Power was able to help me.

In another 12 step programme I belong to they talk of the two surrenders, throwing in the towel, quit fighting. Surrender and admit defeat, the addiction has you beat. Turns out that was the easy surrender. The second surrender - to life. Life on life's terms. Quit fighting. Ego deflation at depth is another matter altogether and for me much more difficult.

Gratitude and love to everyone who shares this journey to emotional and spiritual health.

Wispy

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BECCABOO127
    You are a survivor, Wispy! Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1592 days ago
  • GIMPSTER
    I needed this today Wispy..... I made a go of SP a few years ago.... life took me other directions (or perhaps I took myself in another direction).... I needed this post to remind me I have a path to follow and I can do it the easy way or the hard way.... For those familiar with 12 stepping (regardless of your particular issue) I do have a plan.... I just need to stay on it, one day at a time. 2nd I don't have to do it alone, I can choose to allow others to help or a Higher Power.. and finally ... Progress not Perfection...

    My only job is to keep on moving forward!!
    1616 days ago
  • AKA_GAMERMOM
    Thank you for your heartfelt writing. You are a lovely lady with a beautiful heart! ♡♡
    1788 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13562405
    An absolutely beautiful blog, Wispy. I t really speaks to me. The Twelve Step program if followed is the key to recovery from any addiction. Thanks for sharing.

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    1862 days ago
  • DONNALEE-53
    emoticon
    1871 days ago
  • GGMOM06
    emoticon emoticon and i agree with kick ss ;)
    1872 days ago
  • HLTHAPPINESS4C
    Wispy~ you are BEAUTIFUL!! Inside and out. You are special and I believe that Hp is bringing you to a place that you can see that. I am so thankful you are feeling the true love of Hp. It brings joy to my heart to see you blogging and sharing what's on your heart. I hope you realize how much you mean to me. Thank you for being you. emoticon emoticon emoticon Blessings, Mattie

    1874 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15469344
    It seems almost counterintuitive to cease fighting, doesn't it, in the face of addiction of any sort. And yet admitting powerlessness paradoxically opens the door to real power...or so I've found with what had been a 5+ decade addiction to overeating, or binge-eating. It gives one so much hope to realize that these challenges really can be approached and ultimately, even tackled, by facing them just one day at a time...

    I see my life unfolding in 24-hr. "packets" of opportunity, that is, a day at a time. Challenges and obstacles have seemed so much less daunting when I've faced them that way! More power to you, Wispy! - Mary emoticon
    1874 days ago
  • SHERRY666
    THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR LIFE WITH US WISPY......... WE ARE TODAY WHO WE ARE BECAUSE OF OUR PAST..... I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING EITHER....... FOR SOME OF US IT TAKES LEARNING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER.......... BUT SOONER OR LATER WHEN WE REACH DOWN DEEP WE FIND WHAT WORKS AND THAT'S WHEN LIFE IS AT IT'S BEST..... IT HAS BEEN WONDERFUL TAKING THIS JOURNEY WITH YOU AND REALLY GETTING TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE.... I LOVE READING YOUR BLOGS. emoticon ......
    1874 days ago
  • KICK-SS
    Wispy, I've so often wondered about you and thought about you. Everytime I hear or read something about NZ, I think about you and wonder how things are with you, hoping that you were well and just maybe moving into a different phase of your life.

    I've missed your cheery and reassuring words of wisdom on the different teams, with your delightful way of expressing yourself. I hope you're still able to have your holidays with your son, I know you enjoyed going places and getting around.

    I hope you keep in touch now and then. Take care of yourself.
    emoticon emoticon Betty
    1875 days ago
  • LESLIESENIOR
    You said so well what so many of us can relate to so intimately. Thank you Wispy!!!!
    1875 days ago
  • ICECUB
    THANK YOU FOR SHARING. WISHING YOU WELL.
    1875 days ago
  • -WISPY-
    Thanks everyone for your kind comments.

    Wispy emoticon
    1875 days ago
  • AJDOVER1
    It's always such a joy to read your heartfelt blogs.

    Be well, my dear friend emoticon
    1875 days ago
  • MARUKI52
    Thank you so much for posting this. It was an interesting read. I have not heard of the 12 Steps Programme before but it sounds like a lot of good has come out of it for you. I wonder how many on SP would find this Programme helpful.

    I am so pleased that you have found a way forward and may you continue to make progress.
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    1875 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    Thank you for such a well-spoken blog from your heart. Have you considered writing a book(let) of your life experiences? There is much wisdom in your life that benefits others.
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    1875 days ago
  • LOTADOTTIE2
    Oh Wispy, how happy I am to see that you are still on Spark and doing so well. I haven't seen your words of encouragement for over a year ~ and here you are with even a photo of yourself on here ~ you are so beautiful !! How happy I am to be back and know that you are still here and doing so well. I can't wait to go back and read all your blogs ~ you have been thru so much and come out of it such an angel helping all those that read your words. I am grateful for the time you took to share with us. I am doing well, and going to start again :-) Thank you for all you have given us.
    Dottie from Northern Florida USA

    1875 days ago
  • KALIGIRL
    How wonderful that your journey is taking you to find yourself and your Higher Power.
    I hope you are able to see this quote - it sums up 'where' (I think) you are'

    www.values.com/inspirat
    ional-quotes/7394-true-forgiven
    ess-is-when-you-can-say-thank

    emoticon emoticon
    1875 days ago
  • JUST-ELIZ
    So good to see you my precious friend. Thank you for sharing. Not a week goes by that I don't think of you! I have missed your beautiful blogs! emoticon
    1875 days ago
  • CAMOGIE3
    thank you for sharing! When the "squirrels" are acting up I feel like I'm pre-teen emotionally.
    1875 days ago
  • WISLNDR
    emoticon for this wonderful blog! You've traveled many important paths on your journey.
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    1875 days ago
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