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Kindness and Valentine's Day

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Read a recent article about infidelity and marriage breakdown and the potential for recovery: that is, possibly infidelity isn't a "deal breaker" (and given the very high percentage of marriages in which infidelity occurs . . . . differing for men and women, as you'd expect: but still).
OK then: how to recover from infidelity? Recognizing that what "causes" infidelity is, say researchers, unkindness.
People look elsewhere when their partners stop being kind to them.
And marriages can recover from infidelity if people ask themselves, why did my wandering spouse look elsewhere? Can we repair this relationship by being kind to one another again?
Possibly not, of course. But it was an angle new to me.
Nancy Lamott: We can be kind.
And if there's going to be a split, it may be an easier split anyhow if we resume being kind.
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  • HOLLYM48
    Kindness, so hard to achieve for some people. The other day, I said to my husband, thank you for this wonderful dinner, he said, "you haven't even tried it yet, how do you know it is wonderful?" I responded, because you made it and regardless of whether it is good or not, I am thankful that you made dinner and we are here together..
    Kindness can go so far in life, I wish some people I worked with could understand the word kindness!
    Have a wonderful evening!
    1605 days ago
    Am just thankful so for I've had 38 years I have a blissful marriage in which we treat each other like our best friends because we are best friends to one another..... We treat each other with kindness and mutual respect but we also have a lot of fun and I think that's one of the keys to staying happily married. emoticon
    1605 days ago
    It can be so difficult when you are hurt by another person's infidelity, to stop and try to be kind. It is so much easier to lash out at the person who hurt you. Yes, the other person may have gone outside of the relationship because their partner was unkind. But what if they are just being selfish, impulsive and immature? I was married to someone a long time ago, who was unfaithful. When I asked him why, he said he liked the excitement and danger of possibly being caught and he liked to drink and party all night. He always felt guilty and wanted to tell me the gory details after every occurrence but my being kind only encouraged him to continue. There is a fine line between being kind and accepting unacceptable behavior. I was kind in the relationship, I know because he told me. The whole thing was just so bizarre.
    1605 days ago
    Kindness helps in so many ways. Taking care of my grandkids takes a lot of kindness and trying to teach them to be kind is not always easy. And I must admit I haven't always been kind to my hubby. Returning unkindness with unkindness is kind of like adding fire to fire, too.
    1605 days ago
    We CAN be kind indeed!
    1606 days ago
    Practicing kindness unpicks anger and resentment, it is good for both parties.
    1607 days ago
    I have to agree almost whole heartedly with PHOENIX1949!! I would almost have to believe that the cheater is the woman in the case of feeling that she is being treated unkindly and therefore strays.... But, I suppose it can swing both ways. Kindness in trying to fix the relationship is key! Hmmmm.....
    1607 days ago
    1608 days ago
    I've been spending a lot of time in the kindness department lately; giver and receiver. We get so busy in our lives we forget that simple acts of kindness being recognized make a world of difference.
    1608 days ago
    it is true, I learned it the hard way years ago.
    The difficult part is returning to kindness when both parties are filled with anger, resentment and self righteous indignation... but it is possible.
    1608 days ago
  • _LINDA
    An interesting thought to be sure. It does make sense. Unfortunately, men's needs are quite often more strongly felt than women's and perhaps excess testosterone could also be blamed for some of the wandering eye. After menopause, women's desire for sex decreases while a man's remains the same. What other explanation for so many older women being dumped for a much younger model or why so many older men marry much younger women? So not fair really. But kindness all around would go a long way for a relationship to remain solid.
    1608 days ago
    I feel the need to think more on this one. Sounds like an interesting study. It leaves me wondering how the researchers determined a lack of kindness causes infidelity.

    Thanks for once again giving me something to ponder.
    1608 days ago
    I'd have to think about this one. Trust to me is so highly important, but I think this DOES make me stop and take pause about the role kindness has in the situation where infidelity has occurred.
    1609 days ago
  • GABY1948
    I do agree with ALL of this in this article. Of course, IF one can recover from such, it has to be because THEY are forgiving, non-grudge holding kind of people. If not, I don't see how it would EVER work.

    Thee is so much of this kind of thinking nowadays...it's so SAD. Either way, marriage always takes a lot of WORK...but SO worth it. GREAT article/blog as always! emoticon
    1609 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    "People look elsewhere when their partners stop being kind to them." To me this sort of statement is victim blaming when perhaps the wandering spouse basically does not have good moral character. Broken trust is not always a deal breaker BUT trying to fix this is like trying to smooth out a piece of paper that was crumpled up. Kindness indeed comes in handy in the resolution process BUT may not always be simple to muster, especially if one of the two persons doesn't communicate openly and honestly.

    Time to listen to Glen Campbell's 'Try a Little Kindness' -- here's one of many YouTube links for this song:

    1609 days ago
    I think kindness is one of the increasingly missing values from our society. Gotta try to make my contribution constantly.

    1609 days ago
    Thanks for sharing! Wishing you a Beautiful Saturday and a Wonderful Valentines Day Weekend!
    Hugs and love, xoxo
    1609 days ago
    Interesting thought. And yes, we need to be kind to our spouses. So easy to fall into routines and forget this.
    1609 days ago
    Thank you for the possitive outlook on a very difficult and negative situation.
    1609 days ago
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