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I had to call 911 - I was about to do it again

Friday, March 04, 2016

I've been overweight all my life. The only time I got to a reasonable weight was in 1978 or so when I lost 60 pounds with Weight Watchers. I went from 220 to 160. I literally stayed that weight for about a week and immediately quit WW and gained back my 60 pounds in about a year. Two weeks ago I reached 170 pounds with a 100 pound loss from my 2009 weight of 270. I felt wonderful, proud, strong and ready to maintain. However, it didn't go quite like that..... Two days later, I binged and gained about 6 pounds, got back on track for about 4 or 5 days then binged again, bringing me up to 178 pounds. That's when I called 911, a dear friend who has been with me on my journey this last year. We talked Beck, we talked self-esteem, we talked tough love and she agreed to be my lifeline. I plan, prepare, eat and track my 3 meals a day just fine. What I do, though, is eat one "extra" thing after supper which leads to another and another until I am binging. I haven't even tried to read my Beck Advantage Response Cards most of the time ... I just start eating. Now, I have committed to her to text her before I eat when I want "something extra". I haven't had to do it yet but just committing to her has made a difference. Today I weighed 172, 3 pounds below my goal weight. I don't know why I would start sabotaging myself when I finally hit goal and even go below goal, but in my thinking about it, I have come to think that I just don't believe that I deserve to be at a healthy weight and that I have a distorted body image. I don't believe I really look like I'm a "normal" weight. So.....I am going to work on taking pictures of myself, looking at a photo journal of my Beck Advantages that I made for my phone, with pictures of me looking happy and doing fun things. I am also going to look in the mirror regularly and tell myself "You look healthy and happy and "good". " It may sound cheesy to do this but I'm going to do it because when the people in my life tell me that I look good, I don't believe them. Even my doctor has told me that I am at a healthy weight and don't need to lose any more weight. I don't believe her! I am going to tell it to myself and see if I can finally believe those words: "I am healthy, happy and I look good!"
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