Sunday, March 20, 2016
I have discovered something about myself. If I have lost weight-- and i weigh myself and see the weight loss this is the most dangerous time for me. ONce I get complacent and self congratulatory I usually very quickly regain the weight I had lost.
Lately I have been feeling "fat" and hating my body. I postpone weighing and am so afraid of what that scale would say. HOwever I'm at the lowest weight I've been since 2011. Thus far I have lost 36 lbs. But I cannot think about that. I cannot feel proud or even own that victory. And this self hatred has been "working for me"....Is it because I am re-treading those tracks left in my soul by anorexia? I spent 15 years at 85 pounds. And the vestiges of this disease have made obesity a pure hell for me. The self-hate talk, that running dialogue in my head has been running non-stop.
It is this that makes it so hard to be proud of or even to acknowledge to myself my accomplishment thus far. In the past, I lost 70 lbs and got into the best shape of my life. And even then, my weight loss was dreamlike, Unreal and Un-possessable. Will i ever be free to enjoy my thinner body? Will I ever be able to eat a meal without the inner dialogue of criticism and self hatred? Will I ever look at myself in a mirror and not see a bloated, fat image staring back at me? Will I be thin and FEEL thin? Feel proud of how far I've come? --without immediately sabotaging myself?
I know people will say i need therapy...and maybe I do, but it is not feasible now. (finances and transportation) ....It seems like i should be able to work my way through the land mines and come out safely on the other side.
I have never ever had a realistic view of my body. And that includes when i was at my heaviest. Well take it a day at a time, a meal at a time. A pound at a time. Maybe my brain will catch up with my body and regain health.