Mercy toward Myself
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Lately I am very reluctant to weigh myself, believing that I will have gained weight. But lately, when curiosity gets the best of me and I weigh myself there have been good amounts of weight lost. But since I have been tracking my food, I am appalled by some of the high calorie foods I have been sucking down. NOW I am really REALLY scared to weigh myself....I look in the mirror and I see that "pregnant" belly and despair. But to be honest, my belly is smaller than it was. I've lost 30 lbs so logically i know it must be smaller. But I don't see it. I just see a very fat lady who needs to pay more attention to what she puts in her mouth.
Probably it is just those old anorexic tapes playing endlessly their message of self hatred.
I am intrigued and I admit, bemused, by people who love their bodies no matter what size. Is that even possible? My body is an intricate machine built by a loving Creator who knew me when I was still a baby en utero. He doesn't make junk - I know that. I also know that the responsibility for my unhealthy weight lands squarely on my lap. Well, no, steroids and AP medications have been responsible for much of my weight gain. Is it right to hate myself for being sick and needing these medicines? How is that fair? Would I blame a friend if they were in my shoes? No. I would be kind...and encouraging.
I tried eating what Spark People's meal plans say --and I found that with a Vegan food preference, you will find yourself eating the same two meals ad infinitum. I am going to try to switch it to a vegetarian plan and see if that improves things. And I have been eating out a lot. At least this week i have. And that is just a recipe for disaster. Who knew that Wendy''s pecan, cranberry, chicken salad was over 700 calories? granted I don't eat it with chicken but that is just insane. And today, 6 garlic knots...another 700. It is things like this that have been sabotaging my efforts to eat well. My problem is that I cannot walk far or be out too long so my entire social contact is with people as we eat out.. It is lonely being stuck in this house on this recliner 24/7.
I am not sure what else I could do. Maybe I could make tea and some veggies and dip and socialize here at home. That is only good when my DH isn't home. And he gets home around 1:30 PM so it makes it hard. Now that summer is approaching , we can sit on my deck and drink sun tea made with mint from my garden. That would work with my women friends....but several of the people who drive me to errands, are men. I couldn't very well entertain them in my house without igniting the fires of gossip --even though I am innocent.
But back to the topic of self acceptance. Maybe I need to stand in front of my full length mirror and have some conversation with myself. I need to have some mercy in my dealings with myself. I can only try.