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Mercy toward Myself

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Lately I am very reluctant to weigh myself, believing that I will have gained weight. But lately, when curiosity gets the best of me and I weigh myself there have been good amounts of weight lost. But since I have been tracking my food, I am appalled by some of the high calorie foods I have been sucking down. NOW I am really REALLY scared to weigh myself....I look in the mirror and I see that "pregnant" belly and despair. But to be honest, my belly is smaller than it was. I've lost 30 lbs so logically i know it must be smaller. But I don't see it. I just see a very fat lady who needs to pay more attention to what she puts in her mouth.

Probably it is just those old anorexic tapes playing endlessly their message of self hatred.
I am intrigued and I admit, bemused, by people who love their bodies no matter what size. Is that even possible? My body is an intricate machine built by a loving Creator who knew me when I was still a baby en utero. He doesn't make junk - I know that. I also know that the responsibility for my unhealthy weight lands squarely on my lap. Well, no, steroids and AP medications have been responsible for much of my weight gain. Is it right to hate myself for being sick and needing these medicines? How is that fair? Would I blame a friend if they were in my shoes? No. I would be kind...and encouraging.

I tried eating what Spark People's meal plans say --and I found that with a Vegan food preference, you will find yourself eating the same two meals ad infinitum. I am going to try to switch it to a vegetarian plan and see if that improves things. And I have been eating out a lot. At least this week i have. And that is just a recipe for disaster. Who knew that Wendy''s pecan, cranberry, chicken salad was over 700 calories? granted I don't eat it with chicken but that is just insane. And today, 6 garlic knots...another 700. It is things like this that have been sabotaging my efforts to eat well. My problem is that I cannot walk far or be out too long so my entire social contact is with people as we eat out.. It is lonely being stuck in this house on this recliner 24/7.

I am not sure what else I could do. Maybe I could make tea and some veggies and dip and socialize here at home. That is only good when my DH isn't home. And he gets home around 1:30 PM so it makes it hard. Now that summer is approaching , we can sit on my deck and drink sun tea made with mint from my garden. That would work with my women friends....but several of the people who drive me to errands, are men. I couldn't very well entertain them in my house without igniting the fires of gossip --even though I am innocent.

But back to the topic of self acceptance. Maybe I need to stand in front of my full length mirror and have some conversation with myself. I need to have some mercy in my dealings with myself. I can only try.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RAMONA1954
    When you think how far you've come, you've come a long way. When you have medical issues and the meds and all can hinder you in so many ways. So yes, you've come a long way.
    Love our bodies? Well, I know I say we should love ourselves each and every step of the way but darn if it isn't all but impossible at times. We all get frustrated. Some days we all see the person we were in the mirror.
    Dealing with chronic issues wears you down. Unfortunately we're here and have to deal with multiple issues and problems of varying degrees. You can only do your best.
    I know it's frustrating to go out to eat because salads have so many darn calories you just want to throw in the towel sometimes. Good luck on finding your path on good healthy eating.
    1744 days ago
  • no profile photo CD16110307
    I can well understand your feelings. emoticon
    1745 days ago
  • _LINDA
    You need to stop thinking about the things you have no control over like your disease and medication. The more negative thoughts the more stress, the more stress the more it affects your condition :-( I really like the foods I have and its a narrow selection of things. Fresh choices are limited here until the local farmers start bringing in produce. Otherwise its dealing with things shipped at least 2,000 miles away and even farther as there are lots from Mexico and Chili. None of it tastes any good so I don't buy it often. Frozen is the only way to go in the winter, but again choices are very limited. Why can't North Americans see beyond their starchy veggies peas, corn and carrots?? I am thankful for Costco, who brings in a lot of organic food. That is where I spend the most money. Love this cold pressed beet, apple, lemon and ginger juice, a real perk for cold mornings and a healthy boost. Are you doing the SAD diet? Bread, potato, peas and corn? You can make a more interesting salad by adding exotic ingredients like Yu choy, diakon or bok choy. Sprinkling ginger on it would perk it up. I put an apple in it to give a sweet spicy contrast. There are so many fruits and veggies out there its hard to imagine getting bored with it. I am guessing you get things fresher sooner than I do. I put walnuts in it for crunch and I love to add bean sprouts as well. All you need to think of is are you giving your poor body optimal fuel? It will respond better if so. You need to love yourself, never mind your body...
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1745 days ago
    If You are doing Your best (which losing 30 pounds in My book is great) that is all You or anyone can ask from You! I am sure We all need to be more careful of what We eat. We should check out online menus before We go out to eat! I am the worlds worst for self sabotage! But all of Us together can DO THIS!! Let's all do better at positive Self talk!! (((((HUGS)))))

    1745 days ago
    No I do not believe there is one Woman whom can truly say she loves her
    body,no matter how thin she is.We humans are NEVER satisfied no matter
    how we look,it is our skin tone,hair color or texture,to short,to tall,don't like
    the color of their eyes,don't like their teeth etc....You nailed it is truly how
    that we accept our selves.Thank you for a emoticon blog emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1745 days ago
    wow! 30# lost. That is awesome. If you were to carry around a 30# bag of softener salt all day, you would be so impressed with yourself. Keep up the good work.
    1745 days ago
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