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Healing myself from past memories.. starts with sharing my past.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Here are a few personal memories that I wish to share with my Spark Sisters and Brothers which have made it mentally difficult for me to lose weight.

I must have been about 6 or 7 years old way chubbier then all my neighborhood friends. On the weekends after lunch I would wait outside on my front stoop that was about 10 feet from the house for my friends to get done with lunch so we could play. I started doing some weird acrobatic moves on the stoop. My back was covering the entire stoop and I moved my head down to the ground like I was about to do a head stand but as soon as the blood reached my brain I sprung up as a male stranger approached me. He was a very tall, skinny, semi long dark hair man with a beard. He touched my face and kissed my check as he whispered in my ear, “If you weren’t so fat I would take you because you have a beautiful face,” and he walked passed me. My heart raced so fast, I ran into the house to my Mom not knowing what to do. That afternoon I phoned my friends and told them to be aware of the man that looked like most New Yorkers, and I wasn’t going outside to play because I wasn’t feeling well. As I got older I realized this man could have kidnapped me, but because of my weight he decided I wasn’t worth his time. Thank God!

A few years had passed and we were on a field trip to Rockefeller Center., NY around Christmas time. It was cold and we were all bundled up. I was standing in line and I saw out the corner of my eye a clown performing little funny acts to my classmates/friends. I wasn’t sure about clowns because they are masked and I didn’t like anything I couldn’t see but I was interested so I watched. As he came up the class line the teacher and the assistants of hers where trying to get us into a building and the clown grabbed a hold of me and my friend/classmate by our tiny arms. I pulled away and grabbed her and pulled her away too. He then took off down the street. I think my friend/classmate was very confused as I to why he would grab us so hard and violent if he was suppose to make people laugh and happy. I told the teacher and she kept a close watch on everyone that day. I saw my father reading the newspaper a few weeks after and the clown that tried to grab me and my friend/classmate. I told my Dad that he looked familiar. As my Dad read the article he said, “He was charged with kidnapping and raping children in the city.” I asked him what was rape but I don’t remember if him really gave me the correct answer. He said this person did awful horrible things. This started my fear of clowns. When I would go to a circus I was very protective of myself and made sure they would stay far away from me as possible. Although there was an incident in my teen years where a clown came too close to my face and bad words came out of my mouth. Needless to say he stayed away.

I think as a child I wanted to stay chubby because I felt no stranger would want me. I started to eat chocolate or any sweets I could get to make me happy and chubby. I think this stayed with me until I was in High School. I actually quit eating sweets and lost a lot of weight. My senior pictures were half decent. Then my weight went up and down like a yo yo.

My Mom never taught me how to cook. If I wanted to try to cook I was told by my Dad to make sure I knew what I was doing because he didn’t want me to waste money or food. The pressure and stress prevented me from trying things so instead I collected recipes that were in the coupons of the Sunday newspaper. If I got a recipe in the mail I would keep that too. I had so many recipes I started to put them in a binder. I told myself that when I moved out of my parent’s house I would make these recipes. I have made several of the recipes but most of them are not healthy. They are mostly baking desserts and sweets. When I find healthy recipes (especially from Sparkpeople recipes) I have to make sure that DH and I both like the ingredients before I print them and try it. I have gotten much better at finding good recipes but I still don’t like cooking. I am not a good at cutting veggies and making sure meats are cooked perfectly. I have thought about going to cooking classes but it is hard to find a cooking class that only cooks healthy meals without fish. I am not a fan of fish. Ewww. Smelly and tastes too fishy. Yes as I have aged, my tastes have become extremely picky.

It is amazing that our childhood memories affect us in our adulthood life.
I sure hope I get the desire to cook healthy and not be afraid if I mess up. Practice makes perfect.
It is okay to be healthy (thin) and not fear people that have sick minds (kidnappers or rapists.) I plan on taking a form of defense classes once I get my weight under control. In the meantime, I will forgive those in my past to make my future happier, peaceful, and stronger.
No one is going to take my health away from me again!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So glad God protected you. Blessings and hope my friend.
    1568 days ago
    In regards to my precious heartwarming comments...

    @ Tricia- I never realized that I was a victim until I shared my story. Odd right? I don't think I blamed myself but I think I had so much fear from it I kept a defense going. emoticon for your encouragement as always.

    @ Jen- emoticon too for sharing your Mom's story. It is such a scary thing to go through because you don't know what the outcome can be. Self defense courses are taught at police departments now and I am so thankful because when I am ready I am going to sign up. Hearing your story made me feel not alone in my defense, thank you again for sharing; mentally it is exhausting. I feel free now and by the way you made me blush. emoticon

    @ Liz-Okay now my face is totally lobster red from blushing!!! emoticon You are awesome too! You know I am here for any one who needs my poor jokes. That is what Sparksisterfriends do for one another we give each other that extra Spark to keep us on track and send extra love.

    I want to help people heal and make this world a HAPPY emoticon and PEACEFUL emoticon place.

    I believe I have good light around me and I want everyone to have the same.
    1571 days ago
  • B-N-ME
    Jennifer, you already know how amazing I think you are! You are a ray of sunshine and always ready to encourage someone else, thank you for being there for me. I know first hand how memories and people's rudeness, crudeness and meanness can impact one's life. It is hard to move forward from that place, but opening it up like you are have been doing and realizing it can't hurt anymore and that despite the things that happened to us then, we are still here and are productive thriving adults! You have many years ahead of you. Embrace the wonderful person you are and know that loving yourself is the best gift you will ever give.
    I hope you continue to try new recipes and ingredients, you may just learn from that to love cooking!
    Thanks for sharing a part of yourself with us! You never know just who you have helped open up their door of healing!! emoticon emoticon
    1572 days ago
  • FITJEN48
    My mom told me she has used her weight as "insulation" from harm in her life. She had some men who approached her inappropriately and so she felt safer carrying some extra weight. You're really so blessed to be learning all this while still so young. How empowering! Making the decision to try new recipes and learn things to empower yourself, like Tricia said, that is so AWESOME!!! Thanks for sharing this and opening up. It's so wonderful to learn more about where our sparkfriends are coming from. YAY you! I am so proud of you Jennifer. Sooo soo proud.
    1572 days ago
    Oh my, Jennifer, your story is so scary! What a blessing that you were safe. It sounds like even though you weren't taken by a stranger, you were victimized none the less - resulting in using weight as a self defense. Now you are recognizing that, you can empower yourself to choose differently for your health's sake! emoticon
    I hope you find lots of healthy recipes that you and your DH both enjoy! emoticon
    1572 days ago
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