Healing myself from past memories.. starts with sharing my past.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Here are a few personal memories that I wish to share with my Spark Sisters and Brothers which have made it mentally difficult for me to lose weight.
I must have been about 6 or 7 years old way chubbier then all my neighborhood friends. On the weekends after lunch I would wait outside on my front stoop that was about 10 feet from the house for my friends to get done with lunch so we could play. I started doing some weird acrobatic moves on the stoop. My back was covering the entire stoop and I moved my head down to the ground like I was about to do a head stand but as soon as the blood reached my brain I sprung up as a male stranger approached me. He was a very tall, skinny, semi long dark hair man with a beard. He touched my face and kissed my check as he whispered in my ear, “If you weren’t so fat I would take you because you have a beautiful face,” and he walked passed me. My heart raced so fast, I ran into the house to my Mom not knowing what to do. That afternoon I phoned my friends and told them to be aware of the man that looked like most New Yorkers, and I wasn’t going outside to play because I wasn’t feeling well. As I got older I realized this man could have kidnapped me, but because of my weight he decided I wasn’t worth his time. Thank God!
A few years had passed and we were on a field trip to Rockefeller Center., NY around Christmas time. It was cold and we were all bundled up. I was standing in line and I saw out the corner of my eye a clown performing little funny acts to my classmates/friends. I wasn’t sure about clowns because they are masked and I didn’t like anything I couldn’t see but I was interested so I watched. As he came up the class line the teacher and the assistants of hers where trying to get us into a building and the clown grabbed a hold of me and my friend/classmate by our tiny arms. I pulled away and grabbed her and pulled her away too. He then took off down the street. I think my friend/classmate was very confused as I to why he would grab us so hard and violent if he was suppose to make people laugh and happy. I told the teacher and she kept a close watch on everyone that day. I saw my father reading the newspaper a few weeks after and the clown that tried to grab me and my friend/classmate. I told my Dad that he looked familiar. As my Dad read the article he said, “He was charged with kidnapping and raping children in the city.” I asked him what was rape but I don’t remember if him really gave me the correct answer. He said this person did awful horrible things. This started my fear of clowns. When I would go to a circus I was very protective of myself and made sure they would stay far away from me as possible. Although there was an incident in my teen years where a clown came too close to my face and bad words came out of my mouth. Needless to say he stayed away.
I think as a child I wanted to stay chubby because I felt no stranger would want me. I started to eat chocolate or any sweets I could get to make me happy and chubby. I think this stayed with me until I was in High School. I actually quit eating sweets and lost a lot of weight. My senior pictures were half decent. Then my weight went up and down like a yo yo.
My Mom never taught me how to cook. If I wanted to try to cook I was told by my Dad to make sure I knew what I was doing because he didn’t want me to waste money or food. The pressure and stress prevented me from trying things so instead I collected recipes that were in the coupons of the Sunday newspaper. If I got a recipe in the mail I would keep that too. I had so many recipes I started to put them in a binder. I told myself that when I moved out of my parent’s house I would make these recipes. I have made several of the recipes but most of them are not healthy. They are mostly baking desserts and sweets. When I find healthy recipes (especially from Sparkpeople recipes) I have to make sure that DH and I both like the ingredients before I print them and try it. I have gotten much better at finding good recipes but I still don’t like cooking. I am not a good at cutting veggies and making sure meats are cooked perfectly. I have thought about going to cooking classes but it is hard to find a cooking class that only cooks healthy meals without fish. I am not a fan of fish. Ewww. Smelly and tastes too fishy. Yes as I have aged, my tastes have become extremely picky.
It is amazing that our childhood memories affect us in our adulthood life.
I sure hope I get the desire to cook healthy and not be afraid if I mess up. Practice makes perfect.
It is okay to be healthy (thin) and not fear people that have sick minds (kidnappers or rapists.) I plan on taking a form of defense classes once I get my weight under control. In the meantime, I will forgive those in my past to make my future happier, peaceful, and stronger.
No one is going to take my health away from me again!