Things were going so well, I was so committed. But now I need help.
Since Aug 15, when I began this journey, I have walked over 300 miles and lost 15 pounds. I have taken my medications religiously. This past Tuesday I had a doctor's follow-up appointment to check how my blood pressure medication was doing and to re-new a prescription. No big deal, I had this in the bag and was proud of how well I had done.
I love my doctor. He has brought me through some dark times and is so caring and compassionate. As he took my blood pressure we chatted easily about our families and life in general. I told him about my latest renovation I was tackling on my old house. He smiled and sympathized. I also told him all about the lifestyle changes I had made and he was so encouraging and proud of me.
Then I knew from the look on his face this was not going to end up being a good day.
After all my hard work my blood pressure was UP! What was up with THAT?!?
He explained to me that diet and exercise were only about 15% of the solution and there was no fighting genetics. I do not have a good family history in the heart disease department. He added another blood pressure medication to work with the one I was already on. Plus I'm on a medication to control my cholesterol. Plus I'm on a medication to stimulate a sluggish thyroid. He also suggested a medication to help with my "restless legs" because that was affecting my sleep, which affects how I cope during the day, which affects my blood pressure.
He knew I was disappointed. He said to keep doing what I was doing, I was on the right track. If I hadn't been watching what I eat and had not been exercising my blood pressure might have been much higher.
Then he asked me how school was going? I vented a bit about report cards coming up, and how I was worried about how my students just don't seem to read as well as they should, how handwriting is only enforced in my classroom because I think it is important, along with homework and parent contact and how I had too many useless forms to fill out that took away from my teaching time.... He just smiled and commented on how that all seemed pretty stressful and maybe sometimes I cared too much? He knows me well. He helped me through almost two years of dealing with clinical depression.
So, here I am at that pivotal point I have hit before. There is that voice inside my head that is saying "What is the point? Why push yourself to to avoid the bad foods, to get off of the couch, to keep trying to finds ways to reach my students at school? You've never succeeded at this before, what makes this time any different? You've lost the battle again.Have a chocolate bar"
It's drowning out that voice that was so strong in August. That voice that told me "It's not too late, you're worth it, you can do this, you just need to put yourself first and PUSH"
The weather outside is gloomy, I know winter is coming. It's going to get harder to make myself walk in -20 weather. I live alone but thank goodness for my dog Mabel. She's laying beside me as I type this. She just seems to know when I'm struggling.
I'm tired. I know I need to dig deep, to keep that motivation going, to squelch that nasty negative voice in my head. How am I ever going to do this?
Come on Mabel, let's go for a long walk. That always seems to help. And while we walk I'll listen to that Dave Koz song, the one about how it's never too late to start again. One step at a time. Because somehow I have to convince myself, one more time, that I am worth it.