Friday, December 16, 2016
For most of my life I've been incredibly insecure about myself, especially my appearance. It started in middle school after my parents separated and my father remarried. At first, my step mother was very nice to me. Then she got pregnant and everything changed. She started making comments about my appearance. Little things that just stuck with me. My father was very critical of me too. Once making me let him inspect my teeth to see if I was brushing well enough. After their son was born I was pretty much cast to the side. For Christmas that year I got some of her sisters old clothes that she was getting rid of. I stopped wanting to go to my father's house so my mom stopped making me and now I don't even talk to my father anymore.
My mother got remarried right after the separation. Thankfully I get along well with my step father. But he's an alcoholic and has been since before they got married. Having a new husband my mom wanted to spend time with him so I was often left alone while they went to the bar. It got really bad in high school. They would come home at the wee hours of the morning. My mom would blast music and keep me awake when I had school in the morning. So I was left to deal with my hormones and high school girl problems myself.
I had only a few friends in high school. I wasn't made fun, I was a nobody. I was so socially insecure and had major anxiety about talking to new people. So I stayed quiet and to myself. Talking only with my few close friends. I was a ghost basically. If you asked people from my class today, they'd probably have no idea who I was.
All of these things combined made for a very self conscious young girl. I was so afraid of what people thought of me. I was also very anxious and that affected my stomach. I would often feel sick when I ate. I became obsessed with losing weight. I didn't eat much. At 5'5" I got down to 110 pounds. I still thought I was fat. I dreamt of running away, disappearing. I wanted to be anywhere else.
Then, the summer before my junior year of high school I met my knight in shining armor. We started dating in the fall and we fell in love, FAST. We spent every moment that I wasn't in school and he wasn't at work together. The winter of my senior year he decided to join the military and, not wanting to be apart, he proposed that spring. We got married shortly after I graduated and he went to boot camp a couple weeks later. I was lost without him. I lost more weight. When he came home it was like he never left. He got stationed in a different state and I went with him. Moving hours away from our family. The stresses of trying to figure out how to be a wife and living in a new place had me seeing some weight gain. Add in new jobs and my husband not being happy in the military and you get a lot of fighting. Things got pretty bad for a while and the word divorce was brought up. I was terrified. I didn't want to lose the best thing to ever happen to me. So I made an effort to change my attitude and things got a little better. Then his contract was up and he got out of the military and got the job he's always wanted and we were happy again.
We got comfortable in our lives and I started eating more. Which turned into weight gain. Then I got pregnant. My #1 pregnancy symptom was extreme hunger. I couldn't control it. I was CONSTANTLY hungry. And it wasn't the eating for 2 mentality. I was legitimately always hungry. And I gained 75 pounds because of it. I topped out at 225. The weight came off pretty fast after our son was born but stopped at 175. I've been stuck there ever since. I developed some pretty bad eating habits trying to figure out motherhood and paying more attention to taking care of my son than myself.
Recently I've started feeling pretty bad about myself again. My husband has mentioned that my self esteem has gotten worse. I was feeling very depressed for a while. About 3 weeks ago I was laying in bed thinking about how skinny I used to be and how I want to do better for my family. I decided it was time to make a change. My husband works with all of these skinny pretty girls and has to come home to his fat wife. What if one day he decides he wants one of those skinny girls instead of me?
Our 10 year anniversary is this summer and I want to be my pre pregnancy weight of 150 pounds by our anniversary. He says he loves me just the way I am but I'm sure he wouldn't complain if I took better care of myself. We've been through so many ups and downs together and helped me through the worst times in my life. He saved me. I'm a better person because of him. He helped me overcome my anxiety and get past my father and some other things not mentioned. I want to be better for him and me. It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing something about it. I'm already down to 168 pounds because of SparkPeople. I CAN DO THIS! WE CAN DO THIS!
Sorry this is so long. Thank you for taking the time to read it! 😊