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Day 84/The Scale Don't Lie/ Anxiety

Thursday, December 22, 2016

219. That is where I was. Now I'm at 224. emoticon All that eating caught up with me. I'm so over it. I thought to myself, "I may not eat for Christmas." But that would be punishing myself and I don't want to do that. I'm looking forward to my Christmas meal very much (mostly the the veggies and hummus, oh my goodness do I miss hummus!). And I can't punish myself for this. What I can do is stick to my program now and work out and pray that gets me out of this.

My blood sugar was 118 this morning, and for a lot with type 2 diabetes, that is wonderful, but mine has not been over 100 in 11 weeks till the cheating began. I'm sure I don't even want to know what it was when I binged on chocolates. I'm back to the point, though not to the extreme it was, where I'm killing myself with food. Don't brush me off and say 118 is no big deal, it is to me because it is a downward trend. I'm going to stop that trend now. No more candy treats, no more 'just one slice of ham, I'm on a protein diet anyway', no more any of it! This is my test. Does food conquer me, or do I conquer food?

My anxiety has been worse and what do I do when I get bad anxiety? I eat. And it is worse right now because I've not been taking my anxiety meds, and being on a very low calorie diet I need a lower dose, so I've just not been taking anything because I'm too anxious about taking it. So I'm miserable with anxiety and eating because I'm anxious about taking my anxiety meds. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. But I've put my meds out front and center where I can see them and I may even get back on a regimented schedule of taking them 3-4 times a day while this is bad again. Going to have to talk to my doctor. He's such a boob (not meaning to insult boobs there, lol). I'm trying to get in with a new doctor that my therapist recommends, we'll see if I can get in to see her or not.

It didn't help that first I got really depressed. first time I've gotten depressed on this program, and I did not handle it well. Then I got my medical problem so I was depressed and in pain. Then my anxiety slowly started getting worse. And I used it as an excuse to eat. No more. I will talk to my doctors, We will work out a plan and get me back on track. In the meanwhile (I doubt they can see me before the New Year) I'm going to try my best to take my meds when I need them, whether I feel anxious about it or not. I can do this.

I have not been telling DH about my anxiety getting worse again. It's like the tide. The water is always there but sometimes it's closer to shore and sometimes it's not. It comes and goes, but it is always, always there. I feel bad when it gets worse again, when my tide comes it. I'll have been doing pretty good, for me anyway, then I'll start worrying that the stove is one when no one has touched it all day. Or worse things. It's an awful thing to have. Sometimes DH forgets and tells me not to worry. It's like, um, you're talking to Anxiety Girl, telling me not to worry is like telling me not to breath. I can't help it, it's just something I do.

Sorry, didn't mean to go on about anxiety so much. It's just so predominate in my life right now.


I'm off to work out, I want to get another hour in today and then some strength training, though I really need to get a new strength training program.

Hope y'all have a terrific Thirsty Thursday! emoticon
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