So I'm feeling a little better today, I'm still really stuffy but I got up on time no problem. So I'm going to work out today, just a little, Just to get back in the habit. I know I'm not well enough to do one of my usual workouts, but I feel like if I don't work out soon I'm going to just turn into a sloth and be in slo-mo. I'm not going to push, just 10 minutes of light walking, just to get me back in my groove. I'm going to pick up some more mucinex today as well. The doc had me taking one twice a day, but I read the directions, you can take two twice a day... I think I'll do that for a while. Must drink lots of water!
So, as I said in yesterday's blog, I way overdid it on food this last week. I just didn't care. I was tired and sick and didn't feel like counting calories or portion sizes or anything. I think I need to go back on the VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) to recalibrate. I barely drank any of my shakes. I just did awful over all. So recalibrate time. Give me a week of this and I'll be happy to portion control my meals, lol. I'm not going to beat myself up for it, I'm going to try to catch back up to where I was (I know I gained weight) and get back to losing again. No more thinking I can eat whatever I want. I got to really thinking about it and along with eating healthy, my liver function came down to almost normal, my A1C is that of a person without diabetes, my kidneys are fine, everything is doing great, all thanks to eating right over the past several months. So here i am getting sick and instead of eating right I eat whatever (lots of chinese food) BAD FOR ME! I have to look at it like this; I can never go back to the way I was eating before. Never. I'll gain all of the weight back and I'll lose my health. And the Fatty liver disease, mess up my diabetes... I could go on. I have to look at it like this, food is my medicine, it's healing me. And if I stop and take 'bad medicine' for a while, it's going to make me sick. I can't do that to myself. I just can't. I have to take the long view. The short view would be "this tastes good, omnomnomnom". The long view is; "this is bad for me, I'll have some veggie sushi instead." I have not tried veggie sushi before but it looks yummy.
We are changing up our homeschool. I've known for a while know, or at least been pretty certain, that oldest DD does not learn the way we are teaching, with CC (Classical Conversations). It's just not how she learns. It's a great program, it really is, but I'm trying to fit a round peg in a square hole and it's not working. So we are completely, as of yesterday, dropping CC. Youngest DD wants to continue doing CC because she loves it and does well with it. There are pieces of it I will keep, but most of it will go. Youngest DD has even offered to do it on her own time, so I've agreed, but next year we will not, it's too much to do all of it. So I find myself at a loss. And I've found the program lacking. Grammar is one place where the program is seriously lacking, we were doing some extra on the side, but I don't think it was enough. I need to figure out where oldest DD is at and go from there. Youngest DD I can probably just get the third grade books and go from there. Oldest is in 5th but I may need to put her in 4th when it comes to grammar. Oh boy. And she (oldest DD) got so burnt out trying to do the CC and failing she's lost her excitement for school. I was going to let her pick what science we do, and she just didn't care. So I let youngest pick and we are going to do botany. Should be fun. I hope to do a lot out in nature and experiments at home growing things. We have an Aerogarden that we are going to transfer some of the plants to pots, so this could be really great. Most subjects I have covered now, but Grammar is a hard one. Any and all suggestions welcome! For now I think we will look at Rod and Staff. I've heard it is good, and I love their math and social studies. Nothing like changing curriculum mid-year!
As far as my anxiety and depression go, I'm trying to muscle through it. I know that if I just let it go and go hide in my room it will only get worse. I didn't start my painting yesterday, so I'm going to start it this morning while the kids are doing the less hands on parts of school. I'm going to get out the sewing machines tonight and DD and I are going to sew! I don't know what yet, but I'm going to figure something out. Or maybe I'll just let her sew (she's got projects to do) and I'll watch my classes I bought. Just watching TV is not good, it makes me feel more depressed. This is the time of year that is the hardest for me when it comes to depression. I don't know if part of it is S.A.D. or what, but I have a really hard time this season. The anxiety, could be anything. I think part of it is my family trying to get back in contact with me (why every time this time of year!!??) and part of it is I'm trying to do more, go more places, do more things for the kids. One of the things the doctor said was that it is better to not make plans, then to make plans and then not go. It trains the brain that avoidance is a way to get away from the anxiety.
But, I'm not going to let any of that stop me! I was doing great before and I can do great again! I can do this! I just need to push through, somehow, I know that doesn't always work, but I can try darnit! I'm going to paint and I'm going to sew, or learn to sew, and I'm going to pull my way out of this depression. I'm going to work out and get those dopamines going. No naps, not this week. No eating off plan, no matter how depressed or anxious I feel or how good the food looks, and absolutely no going to hide from the world in my room. That may sound silly or childish, but when you have depression, it does not.
My theme for the year is 'bloom'. I've never had a theme for a year, but I like this one. I was coloring a coloring page in a new coloring book i was given and it said "Bloom" and I was like, that is it, that is what I want to do this year! I want to bloom.
That is the page, it is taped to my wall in my room so I see it every day. I also have the Knots Prayer up where I can see it every day and am going to try to say it every day. At the end of saying it my prayer is this: "Lord, please unravel me." What a scary prayer! Unravel all the knots and nots and tangled mess that I am. Weave me as you would have me woven. Leaves me scared of what He will do, but I know it will be with my best interest at heart, so here is to being unraveled from the knots/nots I am in and being woven anew.
God Bless and have a wonderful day!