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Day 133/Driving Anxiety, my Gilded Cage

Friday, February 10, 2017

So, I made green juice yesterday, had two glasses. I should be having some right now, but... coffee. I love the flavor of this green juice, I didn't use much parsley the middle of the bunch was completely bad. I'll drink two glasses again today etc., til it is all gone. Hopefully it will give my immune system the kick it needs to get over whatever is left of the sinus/ear infection.

I'm looking at all of the homeschool groups to join and be a part of and... they all do things in Atlanta. All of them. They don't do things locally. One does glass blowing and I SO wanted to get DD into that (for tweens) but it is literally in the middle of Atlanta. So I'm gonna keep looking and maybe there will be a group that does things locally. There is one that I'd like to join, it requires you to be involved and volunteer and all that jazz, but i think it does some stuff locally, plus it does a father-daughter dance and we have not been to one in years. So I'm overwhelming myself with all these different things we could get involved with but most include a lot of driving and I'm trying to talk myself into it but I just can't. NONE of the local groups stay and do local things. I'm going to start looking in the groups further North and see if I can't join one of them, surely they don't drive all the way to Atlanta for stuff!

You may be thinking 'what is wrong with Atlanta?' I'll tell you: traffic. Interstates. Crazy drivers. I have pretty bad driving anxiety. I have panic attacks when a passenger in Atlanta traffic, no way would I actually be able to drive in it. Having driving anxiety is very much like being trapped. I want to go to all of these wonderful places, but then I look on the map where they are and how many interstates I'd have to go on to get there and no. Just no. I have a hard enough time with the traffic in my local area. I only go certain areas. I'm trying to broaden my horizons, make my world a little bigger, and go other areas. I really am trying. Yes, I have maps and GPS on my phone, no it does not help at all. I'm terrified of getting lost. Which is funny because when I was younger, getting to know a new place, or heck just driving around where I grew up, we'd go get lost and see how long it took to find our way back or if we had to ask for directions or not. I used to love it! The sight seeing, the thrill of not really knowing where you were at, all that. Large amounts of traffic scare me too. This from the girl who drove through Dallas Tx by herself to San Antonio Tx by herself. Before phones had GPS on them. I had no GPS, I had a huge printed map and my printed directions from mapquest and a CB radio so I could chat with truckers. I wish I could go back to being unafraid. And one day I will get there. But for now, I'm doing what I can and I'll slowly push my boundaries as I'm able. Anxiety sucks. I feel like a bird in a gilded cage. It's nice here, comfy and safe, but I want to fly!

Every time I think my anxiety is getting better, I'm reminded that I'm still pretty bad. I was making what I thought were great strides, then I was asked to drive somewhere I'd never been before. Oh no! I could not bring myself to do it, I had to decline. I'm done declining. I'm not ready for Atlanta and interstates, but if it is somewhere with reasonable traffic, I'm going to try it. Please pray for me. This is going to be difficult. My new friend lives a county away and wants me to go to the play dates with her group at a park that is local to her. I want to go, but that is a lot of driving! I'm going to pray on it and we may go next week! Next week we will be going to the Library for story time, I don't care if it is raining or I'm feeling bad, I'm going to do it!

But, I'm going to strive to not let that keep me down. So I'm limited in places I can go.. surely there are things to do in the places that I can go? We haven't been going to parks... I think that we need to. I want to go somewhere at least once a week for the kids, whether it is the Library or park or some new art place we've managed to find. I just want to be able to slowly stretch where I can go. Slowly do new things. And by summer when we join the tween activities, maybe I'll be able to drive to some of them.
One of my problems is that I don't drive at night. I can't see as well as most at night and I freak out. I had a few nights of barely making it home by the grace of God and I have not driven at night since. I need to start trying again. Maybe taking DH with me so that if I need to I can pull over and have him drive us home. My eye appointment is in March, so we'll see if there is anything they can do. One, a few years ago suggested amber glasses. They make my eyes feel weird, I can't explain it, but it makes driving impossible.

Ending on a happy note, I'm going to be able to buy some of my curriculum today! I was hoping to be able to buy all of it, but finances, you know. So I'm getting history and probably science. I'm excited to get started, can't wait til they get here! In the meanwhile I think we'll do some unit studies. Going to the library to see what I can find that we can do :)

I'm going to get better at this. It may take a while, but I know I can. I used to be fine at this. I can do this. Just breathe!

Oh! I lost my oldest DD in the supermarket yesterday!! She lost her hat and so I was at the deli and I pointed the the aisle we had just been and said go look over there and see if you dropped it... and she disappeared! I searched the whole store, no DD! On the way back to talk to the check out lady, M, we know her pretty well, DD came flouncing down one of the aisles, like, there you are! I told her she was grounded. I had a panic attack, thought I'd lost my DD (its a small store and we know almost everyone there, so I figured she'd be okay, but still!). She thought I meant for her to go find her hat, so she went clear across the store to the produce section! Talk about a scare! But better in that small store where we know everyone than in like W-mart or something! So we learned a valuable lesson, both of us. She learned not to go off on her own (the check out ladies overheard my getting onto her and piped in as well, so I was reinforced, they are such nice ladies!) and I must be more clear in my instruction to DD when we are out. What a relief that she was okay!!

So, I hope you have a nice Friday, relax some and hug your kiddos if you have some, they are precious, precious gifts and need to know you love them! emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD17316788
    I'm scared of driving too. I live in NJ & have known ppl who refuse to drive out here. Hope you find a homeschool group soon! I know that struggle as well!!
    1249 days ago
    I can relate about not wanting to drive in Atlanta. I have been there but my friend did the driving. There are parts of Cincinnati that I do not like to drive in either. I am having cataract surgery in March so night driving is nit fun fir me right now either. I wonder if your Chamber of Commerce and/or AAA gave local sites if interest to visit.
    1249 days ago
  • JAJABEE1717
    I haven't driven in 46 years -- I automatically close my eyes in merging traffic, seeing the merging cars coming straight at me. So I don't even make a good passenger. (hugs to my DH for putting up with me). Don't give up, though. Have you thought of meditation/medication to help with the anxiety? Hope you keep happy thoughts and a positive attitude.
    1249 days ago
  • SILVER1369
    1249 days ago
  • LPORTER2015
    Good luck on your home schooling adventures. Sounds like you have a lot of logistics to figure out.
    1249 days ago
    I have a lot of anxiety around driving, too.
    1249 days ago
    1250 days ago
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