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Day 135/ Anxiety Overload and Homeschool.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

I barely made it through church service this morning. Seriously it took everything I had not to bolt out the door and hyperventilate. I took my meds, clung to my husbands arm, and tried to concentrate on the pastor's words. The music was too much in the beginning of the service, so I left before the end music started.

Now I could blame it on the triple grande latte I had before/during church, but honestly, I don't think that was it, I think it was the week finally catching up with me. Oh, sure, I've had some anxiety attacks this week, but this one was monstrous. A lot has gone on this week, and now a lot of pressure is one me. I don't handle pressure well. A lot of it is self inflicted. *pulls out meds, takes one* let me explain and see if I can do so without an anxiety attack.

I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to get more involved. If I'm going to homeschool any longer, and we have decided that we want to keep homeschooling, I have to get the girls out to more social events where they can make more permanent friends, people to hang out with. Oh, we know people we see on different days of the week according to what group we are doing, but as far as someone to have a sleepover with? We need more of those kinds of friends. So I've been looking and going oooooh, I want to join that group! Nope, wait, they meet inside the perimeter of Atlanta, can't do that. I have pretty bad driving anxiety, I can't get on an interstate in Atlanta. So DH is like maybe you could take Marta (public transportation) Um, short little me and two beautiful girls? Uh, no. Not going to happen either. I looked for days, making myself feel horrible about the places we can't go because I can't drive there. Then I remembered the homeschool group my friend is a part of. They are pretty strict, you have to volunteer and do all kinds of things, but as long as they don't put me in charge of anything major, I can do that, I think. So I'm going to message them and explain my situation. I have anxiety, blah, blah, blah, and see if they could find like, background rolls for me to be in. I want to be involved, but not too much pressure on me. We'll see how that works out. In the meanwhile, the library is perfect. They have some homeschool stuff, and story time for my youngest and game night, and all kinds of stuff that other kids like my kiddos would go to. So After I get in touch with that group and check out the library I will have my bases covered as far as that goes. I hope. I hope the group is understanding...

Then there is the home-homeschool stuff. Oldest DD is behind in some subjects (not because anyone says she is behing, but she is behind where I want her to be at by now). We are doing assessments to see how far behind. In reading she is phenomenal, high-school to college level reading. Not bragging (okay maybe a little) but she's reading at that high a level. Youngest DD has no problem, just need to catch her up to speed in math a little and she will be good. She's at a high school reading level and doing great. We did a certain curriculum for 2 and a 1/2 years and it just was not ODD's way of learning. Not her fault we should have noticed earlier. But now she's kinda given up. It's her inner perfectionist, "If I can't do it 'right' (aka perfect) then why do it at all?" I know that voice all too well! So I'm going to be her study buddy, she's going to come sit by me and I'm going to help her along in the areas she needs help in. We are getting curriculum that walks you through, explains things well, and taking it back to the basics, then we can speed through what we know and get to the stuff we don't know. But it is making me anxious, that voice of "what if I can't do it and I fail her?" So we are seeing what we can accomplish in this semester and if she doesn't respond well to me we will put her in a hybrid school, I think. Plus we are going to get them extra tutoring, like a Sylvan Learning Center or something. Just to give them an extra edge.

*breathing deeply* There is more, but I won't ramble on forever about it. I'm having a really hard time with this and I don't meet with my therapist til next month (had to cancel all of this month due to DH's work). I just feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I'm lacking because of the things I can't do. Living with a disability like this is hard, especially when people don't understand I can't just hop on the interstate and go meet you at glassblowing. I'd love to, I really would. But I can't. People just don't understand, that yes there are a lot of things going on... in places you have to get on the interstate to drive to. I can't do that. I simply can not. It is not a will not, but a can not. I have anxiety attacks as a passenger on interstates. Driving on one is out of the question.

So add to it, I'm not sleeping well, having horrible nightmares. I'm awake most of the night anyway... I'm a mess.

Time to untangle these knots I've gotten myself into and get back in my groove. We will find a place that we will fit in and be able to be a part of a group, there are several options, I just have to keep looking and not let what I can't do get to me. As long as I keep positive with ODD she will responds beautifully, I just can't let a grumpy morning on my part bleed over onto her. Must stay upbeat and keep the positivity flowing!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUNEAU2010
    1139 days ago
    You go to church, why not get the kids involved there? How about sports or camps or groups around your area that aren't homeschooling groups? There's other things that the kids can be put in other than something with homeschool attached in the title. Have you looked into Homeschooling Co-ops? We have those around here. different classes that the kids can do.

    I'd look into things that are just for homeschooled kids and think about what they are into and put them in something like that. I'm going to be putting jake into Science camps this spring, and probably swimming lessons. Miranda does online social groups though her school and we go to the homeschool days at the trampoline park. (autism and anxiety herself makes it VERY hard for her to be cool trying new things. If we meet up with people anywhere, I have to pretend we're just going by ourselves until we get there or I won't get her out of the house) They have Homeschool days at the Aquatic center as well, but it conflicts with picking up the other two from school. I'd love to do that one though, but I'm afraid it might be a bit young for her. (she's 12 and I'm thinking she won't be cool with hanging out with all the 8 year olds. lol I think the age range is 6-12 or something)

    So maybe look outside the homeschool groups a bit to find something? I wish you luck on being able to overcome the anxiety so you can travel outside of your comfort area. My mom is like that, he hates freeways and doesn't go outside of a 10m area. I go all over and it drives her nuts. lol
    1140 days ago
  • SILVER1369
    1140 days ago
  • no profile photo L_DROUIN
    I wish that I lived nearer because I can understand a little of what you are going through. I am 64 years old now and my son is grown up and married. I homeschooled him from 2nd through 8th grade and put him into high school in a Christian school at our church. During this time I also babysit for a nephew and did housecleaning job on the side. I am a perfectionist and so we completed every single thing in a book. For example, in math we did every exercise and than corrected every single mistake...Do they try to do anything like that in a classroom situation? NO, but I felt like I had to over do it to prove that we had done a great job of homeschooling,etc. I drove him hard because I wanted to get it finished. We also attended church activities and had him in sports...What he needed was to be a kid and not Einstein. Anxiety is something I lived. Sometimes when I couldn't sleep I would think of a Psalm and pray and try to lay there long enough before I had to get up. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. My dad got sick and so I was on call 24/7 with a phone right next to my bed because my brother and sister were both working...Did I say that they were living right near to my parents and that I lived in town 5 minutes drive away? We also did my folks grocery shopping, my hubby cut my father's hair and bathed him,I took them to appointments,etc,
    Do you take time to read the Bible just yourself alone? I claimed the verse "He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on HIM." Depression runs (gallops) in my family so this was the most important thing that I did.
    I would never attempt to take on all responsibility like I did, afterall my folks were their folks too.
    I am finding that SP is helping me to learn how to make small changes in many areas of my life. Try to prioritize your responsibilities. Can you assign some homeschool assignments for them and than let your husband look the work over and correct it? It doesn't have to be the same subject every day, but some subject assignment that they need to be accountable to your hubby. How old are the girls? Can you work up a household weekly assignment schedule and give them tasks to do? Help them make habits like making their beds, putting their cloths and toys away, helping cook or set the table..Make a chart and tell them that either you or your hubby will be checking their work and scoring it accordingly. Make it fun. Have them work towards a long term goal, like pizza night or movie night or family outing,etc. Remember that you are teaching them life skills. Some of my favorite activities as a child growing up were music lessons and sewing, helping Dad on the farm or canning and freezing vegetables...

    1140 days ago
    PS great job! And keep up the good work! I know saying that might not make you feel better but as an outsider who fits in know where and has the same problems great job!
    1140 days ago
    Wow! Not cuz it sounds crazy but because it sounds like me! And my mom! If there was a group out there meant for people like us I would be the happiest.....And might not feel so crazy insane myself. You sound like your doing amazingly well!
    1140 days ago
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