I barely made it through church service this morning. Seriously it took everything I had not to bolt out the door and hyperventilate. I took my meds, clung to my husbands arm, and tried to concentrate on the pastor's words. The music was too much in the beginning of the service, so I left before the end music started.
Now I could blame it on the triple grande latte I had before/during church, but honestly, I don't think that was it, I think it was the week finally catching up with me. Oh, sure, I've had some anxiety attacks this week, but this one was monstrous. A lot has gone on this week, and now a lot of pressure is one me. I don't handle pressure well. A lot of it is self inflicted. *pulls out meds, takes one* let me explain and see if I can do so without an anxiety attack.
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to get more involved. If I'm going to homeschool any longer, and we have decided that we want to keep homeschooling, I have to get the girls out to more social events where they can make more permanent friends, people to hang out with. Oh, we know people we see on different days of the week according to what group we are doing, but as far as someone to have a sleepover with? We need more of those kinds of friends. So I've been looking and going oooooh, I want to join that group! Nope, wait, they meet inside the perimeter of Atlanta, can't do that. I have pretty bad driving anxiety, I can't get on an interstate in Atlanta. So DH is like maybe you could take Marta (public transportation) Um, short little me and two beautiful girls? Uh, no. Not going to happen either. I looked for days, making myself feel horrible about the places we can't go because I can't drive there. Then I remembered the homeschool group my friend is a part of. They are pretty strict, you have to volunteer and do all kinds of things, but as long as they don't put me in charge of anything major, I can do that, I think. So I'm going to message them and explain my situation. I have anxiety, blah, blah, blah, and see if they could find like, background rolls for me to be in. I want to be involved, but not too much pressure on me. We'll see how that works out. In the meanwhile, the library is perfect. They have some homeschool stuff, and story time for my youngest and game night, and all kinds of stuff that other kids like my kiddos would go to. So After I get in touch with that group and check out the library I will have my bases covered as far as that goes. I hope. I hope the group is understanding...
Then there is the home-homeschool stuff. Oldest DD is behind in some subjects (not because anyone says she is behing, but she is behind where I want her to be at by now). We are doing assessments to see how far behind. In reading she is phenomenal, high-school to college level reading. Not bragging (okay maybe a little) but she's reading at that high a level. Youngest DD has no problem, just need to catch her up to speed in math a little and she will be good. She's at a high school reading level and doing great. We did a certain curriculum for 2 and a 1/2 years and it just was not ODD's way of learning. Not her fault we should have noticed earlier. But now she's kinda given up. It's her inner perfectionist, "If I can't do it 'right' (aka perfect) then why do it at all?" I know that voice all too well! So I'm going to be her study buddy, she's going to come sit by me and I'm going to help her along in the areas she needs help in. We are getting curriculum that walks you through, explains things well, and taking it back to the basics, then we can speed through what we know and get to the stuff we don't know. But it is making me anxious, that voice of "what if I can't do it and I fail her?" So we are seeing what we can accomplish in this semester and if she doesn't respond well to me we will put her in a hybrid school, I think. Plus we are going to get them extra tutoring, like a Sylvan Learning Center or something. Just to give them an extra edge.
*breathing deeply* There is more, but I won't ramble on forever about it. I'm having a really hard time with this and I don't meet with my therapist til next month (had to cancel all of this month due to DH's work). I just feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I'm lacking because of the things I can't do. Living with a disability like this is hard, especially when people don't understand I can't just hop on the interstate and go meet you at glassblowing. I'd love to, I really would. But I can't. People just don't understand, that yes there are a lot of things going on... in places you have to get on the interstate to drive to. I can't do that. I simply can not. It is not a will not, but a can not. I have anxiety attacks as a passenger on interstates. Driving on one is out of the question.
So add to it, I'm not sleeping well, having horrible nightmares. I'm awake most of the night anyway... I'm a mess.
Time to untangle these knots I've gotten myself into and get back in my groove. We will find a place that we will fit in and be able to be a part of a group, there are several options, I just have to keep looking and not let what I can't do get to me. As long as I keep positive with ODD she will responds beautifully, I just can't let a grumpy morning on my part bleed over onto her. Must stay upbeat and keep the positivity flowing!
Just keep swimming