I wrote my new week stuff out yesterday hoping it would help me to really feel it and be motivated to do it. And I do, I want to make this stuff work, but, to quote Shinedown; "There's a monkey on my back and he don't know how to act, got me climbing up and down the walls." That would be anxiety.
It started really on Saturday, just elevated anxiety, fidgety, nothing settling me. So I took some naps. Yes plural, I took two. And I had the most bizarre awful dreams (which now has happened every time I have laid down) I've had in a long time! Sunday, oh Sunday, I barely, by the skin of my teeth, made it through service. Snuck out before the end music started. Didn't say hi to anyone on my way out, eyes forward on my goal: the doors. I was too afraid I would break down right then and there. DH left with me, he said all the goodbye's. Get home. I can't do anything. I tried painting (paint by number) and I made myself find and do all the 7's that I could see. And it helped a touch to concentrate on it. But I could not breathe. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, go crazy, implode, hyperventilate... doom of some kind! I checked my blood sugar, my blood pressure, everything normal, except my heart rate at 106. I took my meds, I took naps (more bizarre, scary dreams) and I tossed and turned. And I ate. I eat when I'm anxious.
So monday, I wake up and on a scale of one to ten I'm about a 5 or 6. Okay, I can handle that in comparison to the 9.5 I was at the day before in church. So we do our thing, and we head into town and go to (cue scary music) Hobby Lobby. I have a love/hate relationship with this place. It gives me anxiety, but I love the craft stuff. Maybe because the store is so big, I don't know. So we make it out of there, and I don't make it to the next stop. We had two more places to go, and I had to pull over (thankfully at an Atlanta Bread Company restaurant) and calm down. Only I didn't calm down and my avocado sandwich didn't help at all. I was like an 8-8.5 by the time we left. I don't know how we made it home because driving makes it worse. I should have called my husband, but Monday is his meeting day, so his phone was probably on vibrate or he would not have been able to answer. Anyway, I'm a trembling mess when we get home and I had to sit the kids down and explain that Mommy is not doing well and we don't need to be making loud noises (they are 10 and 9 so they understand) why don't we just sit down and fill out our Valentine cards? I put on ocean waves (no sea gulls, great site, a soft murmur .com)
But I could find no comfort. No matter what I tried concentrating on, or just meditating and not concentrating, anxiety was screaming doom and fear at me. No specific thing. I have two types of anxiety. One is Social Anxiety, the other is GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Means there is no specific thing that is causing the anxiety, it just is. It has no bearing on reality at all. I have little things I can do that help, like checking the door locks, the shades are down (or up depending on the window) the garage door is closed, the deep freeze door is closed... you get the idea. The routine calms me usually. Nothing is calming me this time. Nothing is helping at all. By the time DH got home last night I was at a 9.5 again. (the kids were doing great, watching TV and making valentines). He's so awesome. He went and got chinese for me and had me take something to help me sleep. I'm very lucky to have someone as understanding as he is.
Again today I wake up at about 6 - 6.5. Higher than yesterday but I'm hoping I can start off with some painting, ocean waves going in the background, doing school with the kids till my appointment time. I hope today will be better. My therapist says I need what is called a rescue med for when things get this bad, it is something you have on hand that you only take when needed for extreme cases like this. My psych doc has no clue what that is. I'm hoping he will look it up.
I had to cancel today's Valentine's party with my friend and tell her I was taking a mental health day. Love that she understands that and sometimes we both take 'mental health days.' But she asks what triggered me. So many people ask what triggered you? I have GAD. Generalized, there doesn't have to be a trigger, my amygdala just decides we are going for a roller coaster ride on the Anxiety Express and here we go! In all seriousness though, there probably was a trigger. Could have been something so small that I may never know what it was. Could have been the rough week I had last week and when things calmed down my brain decided now that the stress was over, now would be an okay time to panic. My life was a battlefield. If you panicked during the battle it was all over, so you pushed and you made it through and you fell apart later, you couldn't during the battle.
So I'm doing what I can. I may or may not be on SP. It is part of my routine, so I'll probably try to keep doing it just to stay on routine. Sorry my blog was on a not so happy note today.
Hope your day is going better than mine