I had to cancel everything yesterday. My anxiety was so bad, there was no way I could have driven, and DH was working so could not drive me. No way I could have taught crochet class. When I get extreme anxiety like this I stutter and can't hold on to a complete thought so I have a hard time talking or holding conversations. Or doing anything, really. It's very hard to do anything, including type. Thank goodness for spell check and backspace!
Our Bible study of the book of Job started last night and DH took it upon himself to tell everyone that I have anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD and am having a hard time with panic attacks right now. I was not there. Great. I don't mind open honesty, if I'm the one doing it, or I'm there. Now I get to walk into a group of people (who I don't know!) and the whole time I will think they are silently judging me. Did I mention I have social anxiety too?
So here is my thought. I need a mental health service dog (PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks). I've been trying to save for one, wanting one since 2014. My mental health care providers are the ones who suggested it and are behind me 100% in doing so. I'm pretty sure it is not going to happen at this rate with our finances. So my choices are, start a gofundme account and see if I can't get people to help with my cause, OR quit the medical weight loss program I'm on and use the money saved to get the dog and training. What do you think? DH does not want me to stop the medical weight loss program, but I'd rather be fat and have the service dog and have a partner to help me in the rough times, than be skinny and so anxious I can't do anything. I'm at a loss. I want to lose the weight. But I want a service dog more. DH will be upset with me if I stop the weight loss program. I guess I'll try the gofundme account and see if I can get any support? I don't know, I just know I can't keep going like this. I want a German Shepherd, but the guy says that they are nervous dogs and working dogs and having a nervous handler would not be good for the dog. Pooey. He wants me to get a golden doodle, those things just scream come pet me though. And I bet they are expensive. Anyway, I guess trying a gofundme account wouldn't hurt, to try it at first and see what happens. I'll get DH to help me with it.
So my psych doc says I need to let the hurt/scared/hiding/little girl part of me have some air time. That she feels invisible. I don't know how I'm supposed to do that. I'm going to paint some more (paint by number) but that doesn't feel right for letting a hurt little girls speak, so I'm going to get out the chalk pastels and my big pad of paper and see what comes out. YDD is sick, so unless she gets feeling better she may not have school today so it will be just me and oldest DD. We will do art. And a few other subjects. But I'm thinking I may do what I did before. I made a pallet on my bed (so the chalk would not get on my actual bed) and just relaxed in bed and drew and colored. I made an awesome looking pheonix. Don't know how, I can't draw for crap, but it looks beautiful. I'll have to post some of my drawings. They are not professional by any means, but some of them are pretty good for someone who can't draw.
I didn't start the VLCD on Monday like I was supposed to (the more strict program) so I'm starting it today. I was just going to go grocery shopping today, but I don't think I can drive, or rather, should drive, til this episode calms down. I hate that DH has to pick up the slack with the stuff I can't do, but what else can I do? I should not be driving like this and the grocery store will give me a panic attack (even though it is the only one I go to) and the parking lot will give me a panic attack... I'm just a mess right now. DH had me order some presents for YDD (her birthdy is very soon) online yesterday and I was freaking out that I'd do something wrong. Even though it's Amazon and I've done it a bazillion times.
To top things off, financially we can't afford to buy the new curriculum I picked out. So that means I have to get what we don't have from the internet and from the library. You know, make my own from scratch. That is so much work! And gives me anxiety just thinking about it.
But, I'm about to go get dressed, go work out and see if that helps some. I'll drink my shake and have some more coffee and get out my art supplies and do whatever seems like the best way to express myself. *sigh* I wish there was a group around here that I could go to for people with what I have. I want to meet more people like me, so I don't feel so all alone. I've met some here on SP and some of you have commented on my blog and I thank you for that. It makes me feel a little less like I'm strange. Ha, funny thing. I found a site for people with anxiety... to anxious to post on it or join it.
I don't know why I'm more comfortable on SP, maybe since I've been with it since like 2004 (under different user names and accounts).
Well, I'm off to go get out my art supplies. I'm going to wait to work out til the house warms up a bit, I woke up to it being freezing and my hands are like ice blocks!
Don't forget it's Thirsty Thursday, hydrate!