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Saturday, April 08, 2017

I started out reading this quote on Pinterest while looking at Mori Girl Fashion (It's the style I want to wear!). I love it! Many may not understand it, but it is me, so me.

Well, that got me looking at quotes and the more I looked the more inspired I got (mind you, this is at 2 AM). So I posted this on FB:

Followed by, in the comments:

And the more fun quotes I read, the more inspired I became. I've been waiting to feel better to do the things I want to do and... why not do them now? I don't know when I'm going to feel better or get more sleep or any of that. I pray this is not my new normal, I don't like getting this little sleep, but why wait to start when I'm back to 'normal'? What is 'normal'? I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting on something to happen that may not happen for quite some time.

On the bright side, I got 5 hours of sleep last night!! I slept from 9 PM till 2 AM, go me! I tried to go back to bed, buy my body was restless, and my mind still so inspired I could not just lay there! So here I am at 3-ish AM with my workout clothes about to go work out for the first time in 2 months! (well, I may wait till 5, don't want to accidentally wake up the kids too early, lol) Okay, not the first time, I've worked out a few times, but my heart was not in it. It is now. I'm waiting on my kindle to charge some so I can watch some of my favorite shows while I work out.

I really have been holding my breath waiting for things to happen that may not happen for a while. I know on some things, I must wait. My mental health is not at it's greatest right now. I'm not sleeping much, I'm fluctuating between extremes... But what if part of that is because I'm not working out? What if part of that is because I'm not eating my best? Oh sure I'm eating pretty good, but I could do better. What if my brain is waiting on my heart to decide it's all okay? I don't know, the mind is a funny thing...

... what if all I need to do is start creating my new normal with what I have now and that will set things in motion for my new 'normal'? I don't know, the mind is a funny thing.

But when I found that first pic, it just felt so right. The adventure starts now. If not now, then when? Today is the day. So what if it is 4 AM (that took a while to write, had to take a coffee break!) I used to get up at 4 AM to go work out when I was in the military, so why not now?

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but do any of us? I just know that this feeling of being inspired, happy, content... I want to keep that. I love my life, I really do. But I've been miserable and drudging through the days because of things out of my control. I can't help if I have anxiety, depression, panic attacks, PTSD, bad days, good days, all that jazz. What I can help is my attitude toward them. It's hard with the mental illnesses I have, it really is. Your brain tells you one thing when reality is a different thing. But one thing I'm making my mind up to be is inspired.

Anxiety is hard, but the fear of anxiety is harder. The fear of having a PTSD flashback can be almost as debilitating as the actual flashback. I don't go places and do things and talk to people because I'm afraid of anxiety and PTSD. I know that will take a while to work on. I think having a service dog will go a long way toward helping that. But right now, in this moment, I don't have that. So I have to do the best I can with just me. And just me is anxious. But what would I rather be, a little anxious now, or dissappointed later?

I'll tell you a secret. It's hard to actually say/write this. I've gained over 20 pounds since I got out of the hospital. Part of it is the medication, but part of it is me stuffing my emotions with food. No more. Oh, I'm still going to eat yummy foods. But you know what I've discovered? Yummy can be healthy too. I had raw vegan sushi the other day (just veggies and tofu and nori and soy sauce, no rice or fish or anything else) and it was just as yummy. Bull, you may say, but the avocado and the tofu made up for the other stuff that wasn't there. It was SO good. I've made brussel sprouts that are so yummy I crave them. For a sweet treat I drizzle a little honey on carrots and bake them. Or make Chia seed pudding, no sugar just a tablespoon of honey (okay that is a type of sugar, but it's local and it's more natural and it helps with allergies).

But those 20 pounds? I can feel them. I can see them. And I want them gone. I'm not waiting till I feel better any more. Who knows, I may feel better once I get them off!

Okay, enough rambling, my coffee is settled, so I'm off to work out. How long? I don't know. I'll watch my show and keep in check with my body and see how long I can work out now without overdoing it. It probably won't be as much as before, and I have to be okay with that. I have to remember to stretch, I want my flexibility back. I'll add in strength training starting Monday (we have company coming for the weekend). And I'll do my best to stay inspired, to enjoy it and not feel like it is drudgery. I GET to work out, I GET to try for a better... well, me! I GET to keep going on this adventure called life, and that is pretty special when you think about it.

Well, my beautiful Spark Friends, that was kind of long. I know my posts of late have not been inspiring, they've been more like whining (don't like to admit that, but truth is truth). No more. I'm going to remember my Mom and how she always saw the best in life no matter what. I want to be that too. I want to be inspired, and maybe I can inspire others.

Just keep swimming!

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