No matter what the scale says, today I will be happy. No matter how little sleep I got, today I will be happy.
I'm back up in the 240's
and it makes me so sad.
But it makes me realize a few other things too:
I must work out. No matter what. Except for migraines, I'm not going to work out through one of those (had someone tell me to do just that, um, that would be a NOPE) If I don't work out, I lose all my progress and I feel awful. Working out also helps with my mood, I just feel better when I work out.
If I eat it, I will crave it. If I crave it, I will eat it. This is a vicious cycle. And when you're running on little to no sleep you don't really care what you eat at 2 AM, you just eat.
I must eat healthy. All. The. Time. Even when we go out to eat. Even when it is 2 AM, even when I just want something quick and filling.
Portion control, portion control, portion control!!!! I'm eating too much! I bought some slim fast, and that is what I will have for breakfast. I bought some apples and Larabars and that will be my snack. Still deciding on lunch and dinner, but healthy is the main
I'm running on little to no sleep most days. Some days I have just laid in bed and let my mind wander, hoping for sleep. But sleep does not come and I wasted half a day in bed. No more. If I can't fall asleep in 30 minutes (that is how long it usually takes me to fall asleep), then I get out of bed and don't get back in it. Not that I'm getting in bed, I curl up on my bean bag.
I'm feeling pretty crappy about gaining all that weight back. I feel like a loser, but in the bad sense, not the good one. I just want to curl up in a ball and eat something. But I'm not going to do that. I was, don't get me wrong. I gave up there for a second (or a few weeks...). But then I broke the toilet seat. That is right, all this weight, I leaned to the side and heard 'crack!' One side broke because of my weight. Never again. I'm getting this weight off and keeping it off. I barely have any clothes that fit me because I lost the weight and said never again. And I meant it. And I mean it now. I'm not buying more clothes so that I don't look fat in them. I'm losing the weight. All of it. I'm getting back on that treadmill, I'm going to put in practice all of the stuff I learned about portion control and eating right. I'm going to get out the measuring cups and the scales and the small plates (gulp!).
I eat healthy most of the time. But I eat a lot. I eat so many brussel sprouts at one time... and people will say, well, it's brussel sprouts! Eat as many as you want! But even brussel sprouts have calories. I ate like two bananas yesterday. Two. I've been drinking smoothies for breakfast, sneaking spinach and Juice Plus (stuff I had leftover when I quit taking it). But do you know how much sugar is in those smoothies?! I can't eat all that fruit and juice. If I do it needs to be a small serving, not the extra large I was slurping down. Just because it is healthy food, doesn't mean you can eat as much as you like.
This is part of my transformation. I need to learn to not care what people think. I mean, I'm going to have a service dog in a little under a year (one way or another!!) and I need to learn to get over it. With the dog it will be easier because the attention will be focused on the dog, not me. But I want to not care what people think. It's going to be hard with social anxiety, but I'm over caring what other people think
This is the style I want to wear. Mori girl or shabby chic. I want to not care about what people think enough to wear the style that I want. To learn to sew well enough that I can sew the styles that I want and wear them. I want to be more me than I have ever been. And part of that is losing the weight, learning to sew, getting out into nature, doing the things I love...Not eating myself into an early grave.