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2 AM Ramblings

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

I worked out twice yesterday, breaking my workout into two segments makes it easier on my time. I have two boisterous girls who demand my constant attention, especially in the morning getting ready for school, so breaking my workout into two makes things so much easier on me.

I'm up at 2:47 AM (0247) wide awake. I think I got 4 hours of sleep and that is pretty good compared to 2-3 hours I was getting. Yes, I'm going to try to go back to sleep, it probably won't work, but I'm going to try. You should see all of the spelling mistakes I'm making right now, LOL. But getting this little sleep every night is wearing me thin. I make mistakes, I spill stuff, I drop stuff, my brain stops working at odd times. I need sleep. Desperately. DH gets frustrated at me and I'm like, I can't help it, you go with this little sleep and see how your performance is! He's now being more understanding, but I can't help it if my body won't sleep. We are going camping this summer with a bunch of his friends and I'm like, 'Oh no, what if I'm still sleeping like this, what am I going to do at 3 AM!?

Saw this pic and loved it. I'm not feeling particularly loved right now and I should. It's the depression speaking, not reality. I was hoping I was getting over the depression and then it hits me full force again. I wanted all my work to get done yesterday, I really did, I just didn't feel like doing it myself. I felt so apathetic. I didn't really care. I'm trying, I am. I just have times when the depression hits me harder than other times and it gets really hard to care or have the want to do things. I think the not sleeping makes it worse.

This is really how I try to live. I'm a gentle-spirited person and always try to be kind. I was raised to always think first, how would I feel if that were done to me? The problem is, most of the world was not raised this way and does not care. So I get my feelings hurt a lot. I wear my heart of my sleeve and I can't seem to not to. But I still really believe in what my Mom taught me: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I think kindness is becoming a thing of the past, and that makes me sad. People are all about 'me' and not about being kind to others, just to themselves. They don't realize you can be both. One is not mutually exclusive of the other. I say that, but I have some examples of where people were kind to me. The 5th grade Bible study group at my church did a fundraiser for me to help me get my service dog. They raised $180. That will go in my GoFundMe account for my dog. Things like that warm my heart. It doesn't have to be toward me, I love seeing kindness wherever I go. Mom used to buy homeless people food, never giving them money, but buying them a meal off the dollar menu at McD's because that is all she could afford. In reality she couldn't afford that, but if the homeless person really needed food, she would buy it for them. She was an amazing woman.

Ever get like that? I do. I'm not right now, but I wish I was. I love when I get in my awesome bubble! LOL.

When I can look beyond my apathy and my depression, this life IS pretty amazing. I have a wonderful family who loves me dearly. I have my dream job, a stay at home Mom. Yeah, this life is pretty amazing. Doesn't matter if it was when I was a factory worker or when I was slinging fries, or wearing combat boots and BDU's, there is always something amazing about this life, you just have to look for it.

Sorry about my blog being so disjointed, but it is 3 AM now.

Wishing you a fantastic Tuesday and thank you for reading my blog!

Oh, and for those of you wondering about my friend C, I am going to say something to her, I'm not going to continue to just ignore her. I'm waiting till my therapy appointment Wednesday to figure out what to say. I don't want to be rude, but I want to make it clear that I will not accept that kind of behavior. As to whether or not we will still be friends... I hate to lose 5 years of friendship, but I think it is time to let go. She is always like this and I put up with a lot from her and I'm tired of being her doormat. If I don't agree with her then I am wrong, no matter what the issue. She has been there a lot for me, as long as I don't ask too much. You know, like watching my kids while I was in the hospital; too much. I think I'm done. Real friends don't walk all over each other. I think I was afraid to lose her because she is my only friend in this area. But it's okay to not have local friends. I have my BFF in TN and I have you guys on SP. I'll find a local friend eventually, but maybe it is not in the cards for right now. As for her kids and my kids being friends. Her oldest (8) is so used to being in charge of her younger siblings (making them breakfast, making sure they get dressed, you know all the things Mom should be doing) that she is a bully to my kids because my kids are independant. So I don't think that is a healthy relationship. I kept them as friends so my kids would know how to deal with people like that... I think they know by now. Enough is enough. Sorry to have rambled like that. 3 AM will make you do that.

Hugs! emoticon and hope you get a good night's sleep!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    No need to apologize! Ramblings are always interesting!!
    1041 days ago
  • no profile photo CD14651201
    I call 3 straight hours of sleep a good night! So, I understand what you're going through. I have always had to run on only a little sleep since my early teens. I don't really remember struggling with sleep until then. I now have a separate room from my husband because he needs his sleep for work and I go stir crazy if I just try to lay in bed and be quiet. It really has worked out better even though it seems kind of strange for a husband and wife not to sleep together I guess. Between my MS issues and his former stroke we had to do what works for us. Now he gets a good nights sleep and I can watch tv, turn the light on and off read, pray etc and sleep when I can. We meet up though. Wink, wink. emoticon
    1041 days ago
  • LPORTER2015
    If a person does not show themselves friendly then they are not a friend. Just a thought.
    1041 days ago
    I suffer from insomnia and my doctor was able to prescribe some great sleeping pills. I only take them when needed - they are not habit forming. You should check and see if you can get some. A great night sleep can do wonders! Have a great day!
    1041 days ago
    The middle of the night! Yes it does cause us to ramble. I am up in middle of the night way to often!
    1041 days ago
    You get one shot at life. Grab it and take control of your destiny starting today!
    1042 days ago
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