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Wednesday, May 03, 2017

Most people who commented on the Addiction Approval blog yesterday think that they've "grown out of it" over time: that it doesn't affect them now as much as it used to. (Incidentally, I watched again Siebold's introductory video clip for the www.fatlosers.com 21 day series: still free, and still as beguiling as ever!! Maybe I'll reboot that series again soon: just a little revaccination for myself to boost my addiction approval immunity!!!)

Susan Pinker's new book, The Village Effect, is kinda interesting in light of Siebold's approval addiction theory: because Susan Pinker tells us that the ONE single most important factor in predicting longevity is a person's close relationships and social interactions. NOT whether they smoke, drink, exercise or even have a heart condition. Human interactions have the biggest effect on our emotional and physical health. And: the health impact of social interactions is triggered only face-to-face in the personal contacts triggering the cascading neurotransmitters which just don't happen by text or email. Shaking hands, eye contact: these simple and relatively non-intimate activities are enough to lower cortisone levels and release dopamine, reducing stress immediately in the present with significant long-range consequences.

We need social interaction IRL for optimum health. For many of us, beyond our families (and people increasingly are living solo or with only one or two family members) work provides that: through interaction with colleagues and clients.

And people generally only want to hang out with ya if they approve of ya, at least at some level . . . . .

So: are there some biological benefits to being addicted to the approval of others? Wouldn't it be interesting to hear Susan Pinker and Steve Siebold debate the approval addiction/village effect connection or disconnection?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • IMEMINE1
    emoticon
    1127 days ago
  • SUSIEMT
    Interesting! emoticon
    1127 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
    I'll never forget an experience when a group of my peers took bets about whether or not they could control my behavior by the end of a trip. I was in a school band and we'd taken a trip to perform in Southern California. Guess which group won? The group that bet I could not be bent to their whims.

    I also say to folks that I do not expect to live long enough to reach the average life expectancy for women either. So, perhaps, Pinker has something in her Village Effect. I've not lived my life feeling like an accepted member of a village and, honestly, I don't care to conform to fit in.

    And, for those that may be wondering, I have very few friends. emoticon ... and, it's okay. There will always be outliers. I accept that I'm an outlier.
    1129 days ago
  • _LINDA
    I have read that you need no less than five close friends, especially for older adults for longevity. They did not mean casual contacts.
    I never got into online bridge and refuse to play it that way. I met far more interesting people at the table, way more interesting than fleeting, faceless people (why I have this thing wanting to see Sparkies at least post their photos once somewhere even if its only one time in a blog). Indeed a gentleman I had played with 12 years ago recently told a Saskatoon player attending a US tourney to say hi to me, that he misses me!
    I am not good in the social department. When my last few bridge partners die off (the oldest turning 89 this year) and my Mom, I will essentially have no friends left. Haven't had a close friend to hang with since elementary school. Don't seem to be able to connect with anyone who wants to see me outside of organized activities. With paintball, it was of course almost all male dominated activity, so most married or with girlfriends so no chance for friendship there (played for 10 years and watched it grow). Then did nothing but hermit until the bridge club, and now the Probus Club. May try the Red Hat Society next as they look like they have lots of fun. But as always transportation, especially at night, is an issue for me getting out to activities. So many is the time I wanted to attend concerts, both popular music and the symphony (they recently featured John Williams music (two loves music and movies *sigh*)
    This is such a car province that bus service sucks so bad losing so much money they recently shut provincial bus transportation here. Technically, the city bus is losing so much money any business would have shut it down long ago. Lack of use equals lack of service. Life in sprawling city where the car is king.
    So I have really learned to entertain myself and do my own thing without needing the approval of others. I actually had one stranger driving by tell me I had a walk that told people to (insert bad word) off. So maybe I have this leave me alone vibe going on. So it was not important if I made a friend or not so long as I enjoyed whatever activity I was engaged in and that included fitness classes for most of my life. It was the activity that drove me. I honestly still don't know how people who claim to be introverts can possibly marry, talk about invasion of space and face!!
    1129 days ago
  • THOMS1
    Interesting! emoticon
    1129 days ago
  • BROOKLYN_BORN
    You always make me think honestly about who I am, what I'm doing and where I'm going
    1129 days ago
  • BUTTONPOPPER1
    What a thought-provoking blog! I'm looking forward to looking into this more deeply. Been feeling kind of isolated, and just being online is indeed not enough, I've noticed.

    Thank you for promoting health. You are very generous to share your helpful thoughts.
    emoticon
    1129 days ago
  • CTYONIT
    I think the need for approval (or not) is individual. DS1 never needed the "atta boy" even when very young. DS2 appreciates the "atta boy" and from a young age has said to us "Thank you for noticing" so much so that we say it the same time he does sometimes and chuckle with him.

    I guess it could be a problem if the reason you do things is purely for the accolades.

    emoticon
    1129 days ago
  • ONEKIDSMOM
    Now that's a ticket I'd like to hold!
    1129 days ago
  • BJAEGER307
    Not exactly sure where I stand on this. Will give it some thought. Thanks for sharing.
    1129 days ago
  • NANASUEH
    Interesting points from all. You do generate the thought-provoking conversations.

    emoticon
    1129 days ago
  • MARTHA324
    Interesting. Think I stopped worrying about others' approval when I went in to the Human Resources field.
    Don't want or need others to approve me. That said, I do my best and hope for the best.


    1129 days ago
  • SLENDERELLA61
    We need social interaction. That's significant. Virtual friends don't count -- not for longevity. Hmmmm. Part of the reason I love running is I love the people I run with and I love that there are people from 10 years old to 81! Hubby loves the dancing and the dance people. So your blog makes me glad we are doing these activities. I've often thought about moving to a retirement community in order to have more social activities. Hubby needs space and a shed and so much junk he isn't interested. Oh, well. Wonder if social interaction with dog counts?

    Approval. Well, I guess if we are too outrageous we won't have people to hang around with. It's a balance. Don't want to compromise my values or bend my personality too much to fit in. I do like wearing things I feel good in and that probably has to do with approval, doesn't it? But mostly I want my approval. Hubby could not care less. Even stained and torn clothes do not affect the way he feels about himself and it would never occur to him that it might interfere with someone's acceptance of him. Yep, I see balance as the key. I mean, why not fit in when it doesn't matter to me, but stick to things I think are important. Balance.
    1129 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/3/2017 12:55:09 PM
  • PRNCSCUP1-2FULL
    Provocative. Thinking again that approval may be more subjective.... I don't feel any outward disapproval from the general population that I encounter along the way, but I don't seek to have people like me either! Maybe it is all again like weight loss and maintenance and all about moderation and balance! I can tell you from personal experience that I miss the social interactions I once had when teaching on campus compared to now only teaching online! Glad I have my WW meetings and Curves and a few other interactions with real, live people!
    1129 days ago
  • PHEBESS
    Hmmm, interesting concept!

    Makes me think of Argentina - even in the workplace, even when I went to my first tango class - people kiss each other on the cheek, maybe only one side, maybe both sides. We'd see people come to work at a cafe, or at the end of the workday before going home - go around and do the cheek press air kiss thing to EVERYONE. Boss, co-worker, barista, custodian. EVERYONE. My first time in tango class, a kiss from both teachers. Last class saying goodbye, kiss from each teacher. It was odd in a North American context, but I wondered at the time if it makes for a friendlier work environment!
    1129 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    I can only speak for myself, but I do find the older that I get, the less I care what someone thinks of me. I have to say, my friends IRL are a diverse group. They are in my age group, and I think it's fair to say that we do not change ourselves to be accepted. I guess our "philosophy" is on certain things we juust agree to disagree.

    For sure we are a complex entity, us humans!
    1129 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    You make me think way too early in the morning...... emoticon
    Bess brought up a good point.....are we doing this weight loss thing for how it makes us feel or for what others think of us.

    1129 days ago
  • DAWNDMOORE40
    emoticon blog! Interesting information. I do think that social interaction is important because I have noticed since I've been home and out of work that it's ok for a few days but then you start to get really lonely! I love my Spark People community, but nothing compares to being around friends and other loved ones! Have a great day Watermelon! God bless you! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1129 days ago
  • PATRICIA-CR
    Not among my interests, but if you'd like that, emoticon
    1129 days ago
  • 2BDYNAMIC
    Very interesting indeed.
    1129 days ago
  • DSHONEYC
    Let me know if and when you are going to hit FatLoser again...I think I should get mentally tough again!
    1129 days ago
  • JANTHEBLONDE
    Very interesting! Happy Wednesday Watermelon! I hope you have a wonderful day!
    Hugs and love, xoxo
    emoticon
    1129 days ago
  • QUEENOTHEFOREST
    So this does not bode well for me. Unless I can count face to face with a big hound dawg.Then I am good to thrive.
    1129 days ago
  • WBERRY57
    Thought provoking, thanks
    1129 days ago
  • GABY1948
    This is SO interesting each time I read it....I come and go for the approval addiction but find it is NOT as important as it once was and I guess that's a good thing or am I fooling myself? emoticon emoticon
    1130 days ago
  • DOVESEYES
    Everyone has something to offer, that doesn't mean people will give them a chance to to it though :)
    1130 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15520036
    This is all so interesting! I also noticed many saying they have at least partially grown out of it, and I was dismayed when I noticed an increase in myself.
    I love Siebold, but I only encountered his stuff after losing the weight. I think I would have hated him before LOL!
    1130 days ago
  • PLCHAPPELL
    Interesting and thought provoking points made
    1130 days ago
  • BESSHAILE
    I wonder, too, if as we grow older, we stop caring about what people thing because there are fewer of them senior enough in either age or rank, to make us feel uncomfortable (or even fire us) for being who we are. If you're not being chased by the bad guy - of course you don't care what others think.

    Still and all - makes me ask myself why I want to be slender. How many of my reasons such a goal have to do with how I look to the world vs. how I just plain old look.

    Humans are certainly complex creatures.
    1130 days ago
  • HMBROWN1
    Very interesting! I had no idea, thanks for sharing!
    1130 days ago
  • NEWNANCY2012
    I know I'm addicted to the approval of others. I enjoy interacting with people when I go to Curves and to the pool everyday. emoticon
    1130 days ago
  • BBEAGAN
    Interesting... I wonder if it feels like we 'grow out of' approval seeking as we get older in part because we settle into those things we are relatively good at?

    I also wonder about the prevalence of the "I have never cared what anyone thinks of me" stance. In North America I would say the absolute dominant ethos is "I am an individual." I see it and hear it everywhere. We deny the effect of peer pressure. The idea of being other than 'individual' is abhorrent to most of us. Whereas in many cultures fitting in with the group is far more important, and more readily acknowledged. When I teach I hear repeatedly from the 21-25 yr old students how individual they are, yet they all seem to me to dress, look, behave the same! And I see anxiety sky-rocketing, in part (I think) because of fear of peer DISapproval on social media. I think the village effect is still there, just well disguised...
    1130 days ago
  • RO2BENT
    Interesting points
    1130 days ago
  • EMGERBER
    emoticon
    1130 days ago
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