I had a lot of comments about not concentrating on losing weight right now but on taking care of me and it took me a while of thinking to realize you all are right. If I add weight loss to the already considerable stack of things I have going on, I'm going to have too much pressure on myself, so I wanted to thank you guys for pointing that out to me. I am still going to be working out, but the concentration is going to be on relaxation and getting rid of the considerable amount on tension I have. I may be one of the only people who don't enjoy massages. I'm so tense that they end up hurting and I don't enjoy them at all. DH asked if I'd consider a chiropractor. Yes I would. I'd at least give it a try. But no massages unless it it DH massaging my shoulders or feet. I think if I could go just get a foot massage, that would be fine, lol.
I've got a lot of stuff coming up right now and I want to talk to my therapist ASAP!!! Appointment is Wednesday. I talked to DH some about a little of it, but he was like, I wish I could help, but I don't know how. I told him just listening and helping me thresh some of it out helped, and it did. I've got so much pent up.... My therapist suggested a punching bag, we've been wanting to get one for ages, so I finally told DH that as part of my therapy she suggested one, so he is researching punching bags trying to find one like the one he used to work with in the AF. I've journaled it to death, I don't have anything new to add. I just want to talk to my therapist about it and see if what I'm thinking and the path of thought I have about a certain subject is the right one.
We are (DH and I) talking about getting me into anger therapy - because I don't get angry. Anger was not an okay emotion to have when I was growing up so I shoved it all down. Now I don't get angry at anything, I turn it into other emotions. Not good. My old friend used to have rages and I just found out that a lady that I'm trying to make friends with has rages too. I'm afraid if I let all this pent up anger out, I'll have rages too. DH said, you know, one of the most important stages of grief is anger, if that is a stage we have to go through, then so be it. That was profound to me. I've not had anger when grieving my Mom, my Sister, or Myself. I'm going to check with my therapist and see if she thinks I'm ready for anger management yet, but I think I will be soon. It's a scary thought to me.
Have to go to the doctor asap, but it will have to wait till next week, we have things going on every day this week with school starting on Thursday (meet the teacher day). I have sores on my feet that hurt when I walk (anything with feet when you are diabetic is red flag). I'm having what feels like nerve problems when I use my left arm in my elbow. It feels really strange, like I've pulled something. (anything with nerves is a red flag when diabetic too) And I have to get a optometry appointment, I can't see, it's been slowly getting worse but this week suddenly I can't see to type with both eyes!! I have to close my left eye to see to type. It's really weird, so next week doctor appointment and optometry appointment.. In the meanwhile I'm keeping antibiotic ointment (not the cream) on my boo-boos on my feet and keeping socks on and using my slippers or shoes. I'm trying not to favor my left arm, just in case it is muscular and needs to be worked out, and not much I can do about the eye thing, lol.
I'm doing a lot of journaling, trying t put into words what I'm feeling, and i am trying to make what I write into something that makes sense to give to my therapist. I wish I was seeing her twice a week. I'm a wreck. I'm literally can't make it through a full day without taking a break because all the stimuli and all the PTSD and panic attacks are too much.
Training our little dog helps distract me, we got him a collar that beeps for positive reinforcement. The idea is he associates the beep on his collar with getting a treat so he comes to you. My dog is more interested in finding where the beeping is coming from. I think it's going to take a while to train him, LOL, but I have the patience to do so. When I run out of treats, I have a turkey leg that no one wants to eat that is still good that I'm going to have DH chop up for me into small bites (the meat, not the bone). That will really get his attention, he loves turkey. Also bought him a brontosaurus to play with. I LOVE brontosauruses. I collect them. I have three. I had one as a child that my parents gave away on accident that I still miss dearly. So I started collecting them this year. There is a necklace that I want dearly. So we got the dog one too. Love it! And he loves it too, yay!
Thank you for all your help, kind words, prayers and encouragements, I really do appreciate it. I'm looking at going ahead and signing up for a sewing class at the end of the month. Wow. I get to take a sewing class. Yay! I'm nervous and excited. I want to see if they do individual sewing classes as well.
Hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!