I am determined.
Though I feel weak a lot, and overwhelmed, I am determined to beat this anxiety and stuff that has been plaguing me.It's going to take time and a whole lot of effort, I may never beat it completely, you can't fight brain chemicals (I have bipolar as well) but I will fight for every scrap of independence I can gain from it, every ounce of peace I can obtain. Some of it will take the opposite, not fighting it but acceptance. But you have to fight to gain that too sometimes, just a different kind of fighting.It's not easy, but I'm told it's worth it.
But it's hard, it is oh, so difficult. And I am a weary soldier. It would be easy to give up. But I won't.
I'm thinking, from chatting with people (Thanks for listening to me TQ!!) and reading my book (The Complex PTSD Workbook), from your comments on my blog (Thank you), and journaling... maybe I do need to go inpatient again, but this time for longer? A program to teach me how to do all the coping skills that no therapist has ever taught me, even my wonderful lady I see now (I think she assumed I knew how) Things like grounding and containment, there are a few others but those are the two I'm most interested in. Even an outpatient daily program might work, if I could get done in time to pick up my girls from school.
I'm tired of being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. The book briefly described what these things are but i need help and practice, something more in depth. And I resist. I don't mean to, it's a learned practice from when I was having to constantly be in fight or flight mode, anything like this was ... a trick to make me let down my guard, or something to soften me so I would not be able to defend myself as well next time. I'm sad to say it, but it's true.So I am going to have to fight even harder - to gently fight myself. I don't mean fight as going in guns blazing, I mean try to do the opposite of what my defenses have had me doing my whole life because of bad coping mechanisms I learned when I was in the heat of the battle as a child and young adult. If you don't understand, then I am happy for you, because that means you had a much better childhood than me and I praise God for that and am very happy for you. I don't begrudge other people their happiness, rather I am thankful that you didn't have to go through what I did. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Sorry, got off track there.
I want for this to not happen again, where I get so overwhelmed with flashbacks and panic attacks that I can't function properly. I'm, paralyzed with the fear I felt back then. Sorry, I don't mean to go into so much, just keeping it real. A lot of people don't understand. A study was done on memories. For those of us with PTSD, the memories of the events that happened are just as clear as if they were happening right now, you get body sensations, smells, tastes, you can see it, hear it, and often the feelings of fear or whatever are more sharp, worse in ways than when it was actually happening because it can be so acute... sorry, there I go again rambling.
This week is overwhelming already and it's not even 7 AM. Oh man. So much to do and I don't know when to do what and how to get it all done and I'm just... *breathes out slowly* I'm going to trust God to get me through it, and my husband to help me. I see my new psychiatrist tomorrow and my therapist Wednesday. I can do this.
I have been keeping an eye on my blood sugar, it has been a little high, but has not gone over 160 till this morning, it was 183... and that was fasting... I have to stay away from the sugar! I'm worried because i have what feels like nerve pain in my elbow, my eyes are doing this funny stuff and I have sores on my feet. ACK!! I don't have time to see a doctor this week except on Wednesday afternoon, so I'm going to try for then. I'm not too worried, I've been trying to remember my slipper and am going to insist on getting more, better slippers and I've been putting antibiotic ointment on the sores and then putting on my lotion socks. They are looking much better. The eye thing worries me the most. Like I can see with both eyes now, but my left eye hurts and it's better if I just close my left eye.
"Do your best and leave the rest, twill all come right, some day, or night" - Black Beauty
I've always remembered that quote, I love it for some reason. I read the book when I was 9 or 10, then we got the cartoon. I liked the book better.
Thank you for stopping by my blog, sorry if I got a little too 'real' but that is how I'm trying to be, no more hiding, just real, just me.