No more driving/ Grounding/ PTSD
Tuesday, August 01, 2017
I wasn't feeling to great yesterday morning, anxiety high and just feeling 'off' but I needed my diabetes meds (I was out) and we kept forgetting to pick it up so I was determined to go get it. Loaded the kids and the dog in the car cranked up some tunes and off we went. Then my anxiety shot up like you would not believe. I managed to make it to the pharmacy (about 15 minutes away). On the way home I started having flashbacks that were trying to intrude on reality, like it was overlapping what I was actually seeing which was the road. Did I pull over and call for help? No, I muscled my way through it and somehow got us home. Which was really dumb of me but I was stuck in the moment and thinking of nothing but making it through.
I immediatly messaged my husband, hoping I wasn't interrupting his meeting. He says till further notice and I'm okayed from my therapist and psychiatrist, I don't need to be driving. So he came home to take us to DD's dental appointment a few hours later. I am frustrated, but mostly that I didn't even think to pull over to recover at least, i just dug in and pushed through it. I don't remember how I made it home!
I agree with DH I should not be driving. That was scary and I don't want it to happen again. I'm afraid I'm getting worse instead of better with the flashbacks and panic attacks. I have panic attacks while driving all the time, sometimes I can find a place to pull over, sometimes I can't, but I've never had a super bad one, like one where I can't breathe in the car. Very lucky about that.
There is one method called 'containment' where you imagine a container of any sort that will hold the bad memories until you are ready to deal with them on your own terms and pull them out. My problem is that I will forget them, my brain knows this, so this does not help me. But yesterday I spray painted a mason jar black (only color I had), got it all over my hands too, and that is now my containment jar. I write it down on an index card, fold it twice and put it in the jar till I have time and the know how on how to deal with that memory. It seals tight, It's not see-through any more, I keep it in my bedroom, I keep index cards in my purse....I think this will work. I hope it does.
Grounding, the way I was taught, never worked for me. So my substitute is that I learned how to count to 10 or 20 in as many languages as I could. I only remember spanish, Japanese and German. I'd go through them over and over, something about the memorization, numbers and concentration helped... sometimes. I learned how to count to 100 in Japanese. I don't remember it now, but it took concentration. I just remember at the time I was in the military and they didn't appreciate me not paying attention and counting to 100 in Japanese, no matter how cool it sounded, LOL. I guess maybe I could revisit that. I want to learn to count to 10 or 20 in Navajo, Danish, French, and many more. Mainly Japanese because that is the language the kids want to learn and I think it would be cool if we could all speak the same language to each other and no one would know what we were saying!!
I'm trying to do my coping skills, I'm crocheting a red, white and blue granny shawl that is actually really pretty. I want to do a cowl/infinity scarf next. I think I'll get back into crocheting like I did last year only for selling, not for gifts, since no one appreciated my gifts last year.But we won't think of that because that makes me sad and I'm trying to cheer up.
I'm trying my best. I see my new psychiatrist today and I'm nervous, but can't wait. I'm so. anxious. Maybe that is why I woke up earlier than usual tonight.. I can't wait to see my therapist, I'm going to need more than an hour, I need to either go inpatient or go see her twice a week, so much is coming up it's not even funny. And while DH is glad to listen his response is that he doesn't know what to do with that information, I need to talk to my therapist..
I don't mean to sound like such downer but this is what is happening in my life right now, this is me, real and raw. I'm trying my best to make things better, one day at a time, which is all I can do.
Thanks y'all for stopping by my blog, i love y'alls feedback. By the way, by blood sugar was 178 this morning... before breakfast. Not good. I've got to keep a better eye on what I'm eating and keep those numbers down! Thank you for suggesting I check it!