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the year: Just journalling it out.

Saturday, December 02, 2017

I've been away so long. Every time I've come back or started to, things have changed *including myself*. I look again, now. The feed, oh my...it looks like a facebook scrolling thing LOL. Clearly I've been MIA. ;)

This past year, 2017 has been a quiet year. Mandatory so emoticon I didn't choose to get sick. But I did. In May I had a severe allergic reaction to Ty. 3, (slipping in & to unconsciousness etc) and also around that time (end of April) I started chiropractic treatments for headpain.

After the allergic reaction episode, I never regained physical strength. It took me MONTHS to have strength to walk for 5-10 minutes in a row! :( I went from being a very fit person, a runner to...that. When I look back NOW, I can see YES I've improved! I used to to walk a few minutes, and then have to stop and sit down before I could have strength to walk again! Or simply end my walk. at 5 minutes. I worked out how far I could walk in the park from my car....not that far!

From doing 10KM workouts, (and working out usually 4-6x a week, plus hard core cleaning for work!) to barely mangaing a 5 minute walk...well, that was a real hit to my ego (ha!) and my being.

I SO hoped by the end of this summer I would be up for jogging, but I was only actually up for walking, and at a slow pace. None of this brisk walking! But there was improvement. Gradually the chronic fatigue feeling (a heavy weightedness) in my legs started to go away. Currently it comes and goes, but its not every day, so I know I'm on the mend. :)

In all this time of a crazy switch of lifestyle/exercise, I still got outside. Nature is like my oxygen has been. So I still got outside. I think that was important for me though.

Last summer/fall and this spring even, I clocked SO many miles on my shoes ;) in nature just as stress relieve--well over the top. It *was* my life oxygen. I think (having a "time out"--being forced to) has been important. It made me realize I can still find *peace* without having exercise as my outlet. Peace is not found within exercise its already within me. My faith, my hope.

Last summer when I was intensely RUNING, RUNNING...(almost every day!) trying to get just that bit of peace, like a gulp of oxygen. I probably wore myself out! (along with WHY I was running--life crisis)

But life is a journey right? We KEEP learning...or keep receiving opportunities TO learn.

Its been important, needful for me to slow these past..7 months. Because I was running from a lot. I needed a chance to rest holistically.
Everyone has there addiction. There go to. Last summer I know running was that for me...it was an unhealthy go to. I didn't realize it at the time. Well, I did and I didn't. I knew I needed it to feel "alive", it literally felt like I could "breathe" for awhile after a run... but I didn't realize it was unhealthy means of coping. I was just doing what I could do, the only thing I knew to do to relieve the pain inside from life at the time.

I think running always hold a bit of that. It can turn into an unhealthy coping mechanism. But I love running. I LOVE the thrill of it. The feel goods. I love pushing myself. I love the FEEL of my body. However, what I don't love is avoiding things I should be facing, and looking for it to FILL a greater need than it can EVER possible fill!!!

Obviously my body knew I needed to stop, and rest, and so it made me stop. After I had the Ty3 scare, my body never fully recovered and I HAD to rest. I didn't have the strength to run never mind walk. It took time to accept this, but I told myself to have a low key summer and I did. And it was a good one. :)

When I think back earlier...to Jan-March this year, I was struggling with depression, namely because my head pain was SO terrible. I was being more and more secluded in life, to manage my pain. I think was that THIS year?!) yes, this year.
And then April I got a beacon of hope for a new headpain treatment (which has DEFintely has been helping!) And then, of course as I just wen through, I got stuck with the chronic fatigue...and a few other funky hormonal issues that sent me through a ton of blood work, tests etc. and gave a slight scare...but ended up a medication interference. So my body was just having an interesting time I guess ;) So around September I'd say things were beginning to calm down, the fatigue, the hormone issue, and head pain is much better..(hello I want to live!)

I have just pushed myself like crazy though the past 3 weeks, because I literally found out & moved locations in less than 3 weeks! That was a LOT of work! I'm moved, but still have lots of boxes to unpack, but the major work is done :)
So I'm feeling some more of the chronic fatigue from that burst of pushing myself, and I'm a little scared its going to come back more. But I *know* I just need to LISTEN to my body. And respect it. Keep unpacking slowly, do life at a gentle pace, and my body will appreciate & thrive from that...and eventually things will level out again (thats the game plan anyways ;) )

So I've been here in my city more than 3 years...and now I'm in a new place. Its cheaper, nicer living space, but I'm sharing. That part I have to remind myself is temporary and just be here till I find, or buy my *own* place! What a thought!

So its been a quiet year in some ways, but alot going on health wise I guess. But quiet in the sense, I have to keep things low key BECAUSE of my health, so I could/can recover.

Anyways, I've no idea if I still want to keep on here. I feel in a funny place right now. And will have to save that for another blog I guess haha which means I have to stay for another blog. ;) Jk.

Anyways, its just good for myself to review, even if its rather scattered thoughts, to remind myself of some elements. Writing always seems to unveil some things, and bring clarity at the end (to myself) not necessary the reader..lol.

Anyways, thats all for now :) It was good to write :)

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