Keep Moving: When you’re going through hell
Monday, January 15, 2018
This journey toward health encompasses so many things in my life. Basically, it’s connected to everything – my emotions, relationships, mental health, life circumstances… It’s all tied together. Especially when I’m falling apart.
As some have noted from reading my other posts this month, my plate is full.
There are many moments on many days when I feel the full weight of it all. All I want to do is eat my anger, fear, frustration, resentment, uncertainty, and a myriad of other emotions triggered by the situations and circumstances of my life.
Numbing myself with food has been my pattern since adolescence.
After years of chaotic living and trauma, my mother’s undiagnosed, unacknowledged mental illness took her life via suicide. I was 12 years old and under her brother’s guardianship.
I was dissociated from my emotions by then and didn’t realize or acknowledge the effects it had on me. There was no discussion, no Memorial Service, and no grief counseling.
Just. Move. On.
I disappeared into books…and eating even more than I’d already been overeating.
Fast forward nearly 37 years later and here I am. Working hard to get healthy in the midst of trigger after trigger for eating my feelings.
I have been doing a phenomenal job, if I do say so myself, of staying conscious and present of my eating. Using the app to keep a record of my food and staying with the recommended guidelines has felt good, but also made me make better choices, because I didn’t want to see bad ones.
Last night I lost the battle.
True confession: Two Wendy’s chicken tenders w/honey mustard, small fry, & “small” coke.
Emotions: frustration, anger
Outcome: feeling bloated & sick
The win that I’m taking away from this is that I caught myself almost immediately and didn’t shove the rest of the food into my face. I faced my feelings. Most importantly, I’m being honest with myself…and you.
I’m continuing to advance. I’m going to keep moving.