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Hard knocks

Friday, February 09, 2018

People on my teams know how I have been struggling lately with work, and trying to figure out what diet works best with my diabetes since the traditional American diabetic diet is not working for me. My life is stable, and I am a creature of habit. I occasionally step out of my comfort zone, like when I rode the terror-dactyl ride in Colorado. OMG, thought my heart would stop and I am not ashamed to say, I cried. But... I DID IT.

Sometimes, just sometimes, depression sneaks in and I have to deal with it. I have to show myself how strong, confident, unwavering, stubborn?, capable I really am. That takes work, that takes time. It takes believing in myself and LOVING myself.

I speak of this because work has been a challenge for the past 3 months. I do not consider myself old but I am 57, just a little older than what my mind thinks at times. I have been working 5 am to 9:30 or 10 pm 3-4 days a week and I come home exhausted. I get 1 day off with no energy, then back to the grind. This is normal life for many but today it has caught up with me and I can not for the life of me, quit crying.

Crying... to me is a weakness. My dad never cried. My mom rarely cried and she had plenty of reasons to in her rough life. So, you see, when I feel out of control, not able to change things or adapt is when depression sneaks in. This is when I need to be the momma and not the child. I am mature enough to recognize that sometimes I just need to go with the flow of emotions but I CAN NOT STAY THERE. Life gets uglier, harder when I wallow in self pity. I invite that in when i wallow and and i know from the past, it does not help. So, i am slamming that door closed today with the help of my

So, saying all that, I AM GRATEFUL. I have a job that is usually fulfilling, pays well, i have a wonderful family that supports me, I have good health, I am capable of doing many things like fixing things, singing (although off key many times.. LOL), donating my time, blood, or money to charities. I help people sometimes without even realizing it until i get the Daisy award at work or a thank you. I think i am just totally exhausted and just need to recharge. I know life gets better but i am impatient.

I will continue to experiment with my diet, i will keep moving my body because the commercial is right about a body in motion, stays in motion. I see that in my patients. Blogging about this has helped. My spark friends support is always a blessing and reminds me i am loved and reinforces to me that i will be missed when the good Lord finally calls me home, which will be many years down the road.

I will keep plugging along. Sometimes we gets hills, mountains, curves, & straight areas but we are always on that road to health, even when maintaining. This struggle for me, is life long. I occasionally get tired just like everyone else but i will not give up. BTDT and that was not good for my mind, body or health. Onward to better... better everything !!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PICKIE98
    Lack of rest, discontent, and poor nutrition may cause those symptoms. One thing feeds the next in a vicious cycle. I hated my last job that I worked at for 27 years: I have not been sick since I retired.
    480 days ago
  • 1965KAREN
    Hi, I hope that things will get easier for you. Don't worry about crying. You are anything but weak. You may be exhausted, but not weak. I think you show great courage by putting it out there. I think you show great strength by sharing a story that may affect others as well. I am having a hard time finding a plan that works as well. So let's stay positive and be sure and share what we find that may help each other! emoticon
    907 days ago
    Oh dear, I had tears just reading your blog. You have chosen a profession that can be so difficult yet fulfilling as well. You are such a strong lady (to me) that it breaks my heart to see you feel emotionally and physically drained. And being a single lady shouldering everything is challenging in itself. I am glad you were able to cry and get it out. Holding it in can lead to more physical problems. We are all here whenever you need to vent. When you are feeling down, focus on our Rally coming up in August at Mackinaw City. We will all give you lots of hugs!
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    1025 days ago
  • N260SNFIT
    just the stress from your job is enough to throw off your diet/A1C I would think....gratitude can carry your along-exhaustion can bring on those tears, so rest when you can & be good to yourself...thanks for sharing your life
    1026 days ago
    I'm not a crier, either - I'm more of a passive-aggressive, snarky, mumble-and-curse-under-my-breath type ;)

    Looks like you're dealing quite well - you just need to make sure you take adequate time for yourself (and that includes *rest* and "me time").......you got this!

    1026 days ago
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    Here are all your Spark friends with you, TC!
    1026 days ago
    TC...I love you my wee cyber daughter~~ and my heart is aching for you right now ~~Wishing it was August so I could just hug you to bits!!
    Eileen is right enough that health carers no matter what level of trade...tend to build up emotions big time!

    I am sending as many cyber hugs as I can.....and we will have them all for real in August~~

    Until then my wee girl~~YOU look after YOU....( and I know that is easier said than done esp when you get the pressures you do at work~) BUT try and remember how many people love you and need you~~
    Take those bathroom breaks and sit taking deep slow breaths and think of all of us rooting for you~~
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    1027 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/9/2018 10:13:18 PM
  • UNICORN212
    Tears of exhaustion. You need a break in your work hours, like a real weekend after a 40 hour week. Is there any chance your work hours will get better?
    1027 days ago
  • JAMER123
    TC, you have the support of so many as you know. Use that support and lean on us when you need to. Your blog is telling me it's now. I am glad you wrote it. And I seriously have said to be careful or you will end up like I have, with more issues. God loves you and so do we. Now go and love your body and soul! Sending prayers your way. Let the tears flow!! Caregivers tend to hold all that emotion inside of us. It can kill. Many blessings and hope the spring and then the rally will live your depression.
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    1027 days ago
    Congrats to You! You are so wise! You are doing what works for You!! That is wonderful! Just always remember You are loved and supported!! ((HUGS))
    1027 days ago
    1027 days ago
    Oh Tc I am sorry you are having a tough time but you know it is best to let the river flow with tears to get all your frustrations out , not good to hold in your feeling. it will only do more harm .as i have learned over the years .

    As your work goes I think it is unfair of your employer to expect this crazy hours not a healthy situation .So please take care of your self with me time meditation and just alone time even for a few minutes.

    Winter is almost over and just think we can go outside and enjoy the sun & warmth real soon and the biggie Camping !

    You are such a inspiration and a very strong women . Think positive. & take care my friend Hugs , Brenda emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1027 days ago
    1027 days ago
    It breaks my heart to see you struggle so much with your job. I wish things would improve on that front. You are a wonderful person and we love you. I sent a prayer for you. emoticon
    1027 days ago
    sometimes just wallowing for awhile gives us a rest then we realize we do not want to be "there" anymore and we get up and move on....... find thing s that will lift you up or make you smile or just be mind numbing to give yourself a rest. Perhaps a picture or thing that will bring a smile to your face and a happy thought to get you to the next step. I have been in this place more times than I care to acknowledge, so I understand. emoticon emoticon
    1027 days ago
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